Monday, October 15, 2012
As a society we are obsessed with "thin" and "skinny" to such a point that we have equated it with perfection. I have traveled so long on the wrong side of the tracks I thought I was immune to pointless judgmental societal bullshit. But once in awhile...i slip and get sucked into the black hole of criticism and nagging stuff. Of-course let us not forget the double standard, its perfectly okay for a man to be as fat as he can be, because he is man. If he has a protruding belly then it shows that he has money!!! duh Yet a woman doesn't get a break, even a pregnant one. So some of us go through depression because we have gained that extra weight and forget the little distinction that we are carrying a new life.
So, it begs the question what level of thin is beautiful enough??? Because weirdly enough even skinny girls are feeling the pressure to be skinny. When you are too skinny, its not considered beautiful, and if there are one curves too many, then its too fat. The perfect balance is always elusive.
Funny thing is we are not born with innate knowledge on body image. Kids don't care. Yet we are not satisfied with our flawed insecurities that we are planting them on our kids, it is becoming common practice to goad a child about weight in as young as four years old. Fat = ugly. Skinny = pretty. By the time the kids are tweens, they already want to look sexy and have an enhanced idea of fashion and whats hot. The journey to the Elusive Thin begins early nowadays.
Am I really such a bad friend to warrant this behaviour from you??? What have I done that is so so wrong? Where have I gone such off course to deserve condemnation of this level...maybe condemnation is a strong word, but more like contempt. Having been so used to a close bond that we shared I cannot understand the sudden withdrawal...I can guess, I can try to understand, but I would much rather just hear my charges to deserve this sentence...its amazing how much can be deemed irrelevant, the efforts, the love, the dedications, the undying support, the loyalty all are meaningless – because of one small little thing.
You know what they say, “enjoy the little things, for one day you might look back and realise that they were the big things” But this little thing is tearing me apart, what if one day, like today I am looking back and I am seeing how it is influencing things in a big way. But we can still fix this, we can still make it better, we can still change, we can still grow. The big question is HOW? In the end we regret the chances we didn’t take. The relationships we were scared to have, and the decisions we waited so long to make. There comes a time in your life when you realise who matters, who doesn’t, who never did and who always will.
I don’t exactly know where I am right now in that score. Yet I am rendered mute by a thousand words flitting in my mind, my voice cannot find the pathway to my lips. I want to scream, I want shout, I want you to stop, I want you to see the pain, I want you to hear my cries, I want you to heed my plea...but you remain silent. Your silence is cementing my cage of uncertainty. Your silence, indifference and neglect do much more damage than outright dislike. How I wish I had known sooner how this feels, so I would not have done the same thing to another old friend.
Monday, October 1, 2012
For the first time in my life I am homesick. Don't get me wrong, I have travelled to different places in different amounts of time yet I have never ever missed home like how I miss it now when I have only been away for one week. It doesn't even compare to that time that I was in Beijing for a month...I didn't miss home like this. I am a weird walking contradiction. When i am home, all I want to do is leave, flex my wings, travel experience different places. Zanzibar is seriously clausterphobic for us locals and it should never be taken more than three months at a time dosage. (well that's my personal policy, ofcourse if its possible a lower dosage of that place is always advisable) So far, any time I have ever been homesick when I am away from home I know that it is cured by landing in that place, see some familiar faces and I am ready to jet off to another place.
Yet this time its different, this time I really really really miss home. Don't get me wrong I love SA, I love going out, the place, the shopping, the braai, so much of this place is appealing to me but I am craving for my home. Maybe its this life growing inside me so restless with being in a foreign land, maybe because this wonderful country cannot cater for my weird cravings that I am counting the days, hours and minutes until I am home.
If I am honest, what i miss most about home is You. I miss knowing that you are there. I know you are just a phonecall, whatsapp, facebook away but you are not here next to me. You are not here to hold me. You are not here for me to hog the sheets from, you are not here for me to annoy, I miss you more than I have ever missed you before. I realise so much of what I take for granted just because that you are always there at home for me. Imagine this I even miss your snoring. So for the first time in my life, I am homesick for real. I am homesick for you, because when I am in your arms, I am home. So my home is where you are.
I have been in Pretoria South-Africa for more than a week now and i cannot believe that I do not even have a single picture to remind me of this place. I did carry my camera with me and i just seem to never be able to take it with me and capture the memories that i am making.
Maybe my initial disappointment has not been completely wiped from my memory when the airline lost my luggage and i had to struggle for a few days with the only clothes i have on my body, better still it gave an even better inclination to go shopping, to replenish my wardrobe while i prayed for my bag to be found and delivered to me as soon as possible.
It was on such a note that i decided to go to a shopping mall the next day and spoil myself, because thank God, I kept my roll of dollars close at heart. After a wonderful dinner at my favourite restaurant here, i went around shops and as usual i bought things that i did not need but oooh the prices were totally irresistable. Back at the hotel i browsed through my dinner quickly had a glass of milk and went to rest...
...only to wake up in the morning feeling sick all over the place...they told me it was food poisoning...what a damped start to my fabulous two weeks getaway...