Monday, January 6, 2014

Here's to New Things...

This year I have made a number of goals for myself that I would like to see through. I would rather not call them resolutions since I will abandon them by end of February.

I want to learn from the mistakes that I made this year, and learn from them. Make new ones in 2014.

I want to learn to balance my life, as a mother, a wife, person and working full time.

I want to go to grad school.

Be healthy, be active, eat better, losing weight should not be my ultimate goal, I want to challenge myself to love me and be comfortable with me at any size - as healthy as possible.

Be kinder to myself as I age.

Be grateful for all my blessings.

Forgive all those who have hurt me and let go.

Write more.

Inspire my child and husband.

Listen more and talk less.

I want to be good enough and aim for excellence, not strive for perfection. 

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Dear Body

I've known you for almost 30 years and we've had some serious ups and downs haven't we?

I'm sorry for all the times I told you that you were ugly and that no one would want me because of you, I'm sorry for starving you those times and I'm sorry for making myself sick those other times. All in the hope of making you smaller.
I apologize for hurting you, the cutting, the burning and the pinching.
It's been a long time coming, but I should have loved you all along. You're what makes me, me. You have been amazing in the journey of growing us a baby (she is fabulous and loves me regardless)! So many people are giving me hell for not bouncing back to pre-pregnancy weight, ( and no, I am not pregnant, and yes I do exercise, no I don't eat chips all, no, I wont diet because I am breastfeeding, and yes I work full time) you've given me my big hips, my "more-than-a-handful" breasts, my thunder thighs and my tummy. All of which, at one point or another, I hated you for.

Please forgive me, it's hard growing up and everything I said and did to you was out of spite and fear.
It's ingrained in us to hate ourselves unless we look how society wants us to, I'm sure you understand.
When my hips came in, I thought it was the beginning of the end. Small, transparent scars appeared on my skin where it stretched to accommodate my new growth, but now I embrace these big hips of mine (even though they sometimes get me stuck between the seats on the bus...)
When my breasts didn't get bigger, I felt like less of a woman, I was a big girl, big girls are meant to have big boobs! Why didn't I have big boobs?!

Then I learned to accept that all bodies are different and that not all bigger girls have bigger breasts. I've also come to realise that they aren't as small as I make out. They're mine and I love them.
I'm sorry I let other people's opinion of you change how I saw you, and I'm sorry for letting those opinions get to me and upset me. I have put you through sleepless nights lately.

It's my opinion of you that counts. You're my body, and how I care for you, and what I give you for nourishment, is the business of no one, but myself.

My mother grew and nurtured me for nine long months, as you grew inside, she grew and changed outside, just so that I could be. I am loved, by my family, by my friends, by my partner, I am loved. And if I cannot love myself, if I close myself off to that love, that's just like telling those people who matter that their love for me means nothing.

That is another reason why I have grown to love my body. I surrounded myself with the love of others, and closed my ears to complaints on my size, shape, eating habits etc and only listened to what really mattered, and to who really mattered.
I want to thank you for being so strong.
I want to thank my chubby little legs for all the miles they've walked.
My wide hips because one day they are"child-bearing."
My scars for reminding me that the past is behind me.
My "more-than-a-handful" breasts because, they are more than a handful.
I want to thank my whole body for making me who I am, for never faltering and staying strong and healthy for these 27 years.
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