Again

 A couple of years later, having left this space for a while I find myself wondering here again. Again misunderstood, again with judgements, again with confusion. But it’s for different reasons. It’s not a problem but rather having no blue print for moving forward. 

No one tells you what to do after you reach all the new goals, what do you do when everything is seemingly done. Why doesn’t the so called success feel as good? When you have smashed all the goals? When you have achieved a near impossible feat? When you have climbed a mountain so high and the view as much as it’s beautiful is extra lonely. 

How do you then move forward? What is the meaning of things? How do you get direction? When you are trapped in your own mind and no one can hear the loud screams in your mind because you haven’t opened your mouth. 

What do you do after all the boxes are ticked? Dotted all i and crossed all the t ? What comes next? 

Unsure

The only certain thing about life is that it keeps changing. So much happens in life and it feels surreal as if its not really happening to me. How have I forgotten to be grateful for this amazing life? How have I achieved so much and yet that achievements feel empty? 

Personal Mission Statement

I will continue to be a practicing Muslim no matter how difficult it becomes.
I will seek to balance career and family as best as I can as both are important to me.
My home will be a place where my family, friends, and guests find joy, comfort, peace and happiness,
Still I will seek to have a clean and orderly environment, yet livable and comfortable.
I especially want to teach my children to love, to learn and to laugh - and to work to develop their unique talents.
I will be a self-starting individual who exercises initiative in accomplishing my life's goals/
I will act on situations and opportunities rather than be acted upon.
I will always try to keep myself from addictive and destructive habits.
I will develop habits that will free me from my old labels and limits and expand my capabilities and choices.
My money will be my servant, not my master.
I will seek financial independence over time,
My wants will be subject to my needs and my means.
I will spend less than I earn and regularly save or invest part of my income.
Moreover, I will use what money and talents I have to make life more enjoyable for others through service and charitable giving.

May Allah guide me and Help me.

Hope

As long as you have days above the ground there is still some hope for you. 

No matter how hopeless your situation is, it will eventually change.

But you have to keep the mindset. 

You have to rekindle hope so that it can rage into a burning fire 

and Hope will consume all your doubts, worries, uncertainty and fear.

Hope. Faith. Believe. 

The D Word.

Divorced.

The dreaded D word. 

How did this happen? As she sits crying and going through every detail of what happened until she is in this position, crouched on the floor. Crying. Hurting. It has been bad for a while. They were always fighting. It was one thing after another. She felt that the love had changed. He did not respect her. He cheated on her repeatedly. Every time she touched his phone, she ended up crying. The kids were like hers alone, he didn't want to deal with it. The in-laws, that is another constant raging war. It was like the only time she caught a break was to go off and cry alone. Be in her own feelings and then she makes up the perfect retort that she cannot hold back so the fighting starts again. 

He feels suffocated with the constant nagging and questions. He cannot use his phone in peace without accusations that he is chasing hoes. She is so absorbed in the kids and he doesn't know who she is any more other than a home maker and a mother. The woman has not only gained weight but has been lost completely. After a long day at work, it gets even more draining thinking of going home and he couldn't take it anymore. She never listened. 

They were always fighting and each person could not compromise and each one didn't want to change. Each blamed the other for the state of things. its not that they loved each other less, but love left a bitter taste in the mouth. It suddenly seemed clear that there is no other way around it...the only way to get out of the black hole that sucked everything into it....was to stop wondering about what went wrong and how to make it better but rather to leave the broken pieces on the floor and move on. 

He filed for a divorce. 

She felt shattered. 

Its scary sometimes because you just don't know what its about. Is it learning how to love or learning how to fly again? How do they figure out the next steps? Perhaps its  just to understand how to survive the fall.  

Pain

We continue to hurt one another and ruining each other. Being together hurts a lot while being apart will hurt even more. Perhaps I will never find another man to love me like you do but you will never find another woman to understand you like I do. So why are ripping our souls apart when the answer is so simple. Why this excruciating pain by being together...yet we are a million miles apart.

Can you not hear the echo of my screams through my silence? Through the words I say everyday? Through the tears running down my face? Through the smile on my face that you have not seen- in how long? Do you remember? Are you aware?

I am tired of masking all my pain to please you. To make love to you. To keep your home inviting and warm. To keep remembering the good times...that are fast becoming the only place I can exist happily. Why do you lie to me in my face? Look me straight in the eyes...and tell your lies. I know you are lying, deep inside my gut but I do not have the proof..yet. So I do my best to believe you. To believe in your words even though your actions speak differently. You take me for a fool. Just because you feel that you won this round because of lack of proof, you walk away on a high feeling indestructible.

Nothing we feel entitled to ever comes to us in sufficient abundance to make us happy. Happiness is a feeling of being blessed. As I choose to be happy in the face of everything, I am happy that God is trusting me this much to deal with the enormity and the profound hurt that is allowing me to see cracks in my soul. The pain, having felt it, I redirect it now to nourish and care for my withering heart. The pain is helping my journey inward. The pain is making me question many choices. If I can be wrong about you, what else could I wrong about.

I am choosing to feel the pain and get above it so that it will not continually pull me in depths of despair. Me believing the lies you tell me doesn't make me a fool. I judge you on my own value system, and I mean what I say. I expect the same from you. Love should not hurt this much. Love should not make me lose sleep. Love should not be leaving me here questioning whether or not I truly matter. I do not need that kind of love.

I only want the love that hurts when you plunge in deep into the deep creases of my woman hood, the kind of pain that feels so good, like a climax; will kill you kinda good if you stop. I want a love so deep it pushes me to fly even higher than what I believe I can become. I need a love that prompts me to work out, because being healthy is sexy...and flexible and you can then be able to put me in any imagined position you want. I want great loving, sweet and seductive, like I will drop everything in the world without you having to ask. Because I know it is reciprocated. Because I know you love me on the same bandwidth...that it hurts to not be where you are. That is the pain that is welcomed in my life.