When Trust is Broken

How can I ever trust you again? And without trust how can our marriage ever survive? An affair is the ultimate betrayal...you are fully aware of the suffering the affair will inflict on me...yet you are daring enough to do it anyway. You claim to love me, perhaps now you love seeing tears imprint my face. You say you respect me but you don't want me to walk this place with my head held high. It reflects a total disregard for my feelings, someone whom you promised to cherish, love and protect for life.

And then there are the lies. Looking right onto my face and denying it all, getting angry that I would even think such a thing, shocked that I had the audacity to invade your privacy...and I caught you creeping. How dare I accuse you? How dare I be mad? When you still came home every night? All the things everyone used to tell me about but I vehemently denied, oh what a fool I am. She must be quite a woman that you give so much power to that she dares to call you to tell you good morning when you have not even left our bed. The same bed you leave cold to assure her sweet nothings so she can sleep well.

This is the man that you have become. Reckless, thoughtless, uncaring of anyone else except your own damned needs. The children looking at your expectantly to be help are left with cold stares and how busy you are. They come crying to me not understanding why daddy doesn't love them anymore. This man I cannot fight for. I will not fight to be lied to, to be taken for granted, fighting to be dissappointed, and fighting to be hurt again so slowly I starting for acceptance and to let go.

How can I ever trust you again? After everything how can we ever heal?

How can you be the unfaithful one and yet demand that I should trust you now. That now you claim to know that without trust our marriage cannot thrive. You say without doing much to rebuild the broken pieces that you left me with but rather to avoid to have to change and do things to regain my trust. You keep claiming that you have changed...you don't want to say what you are doing in secret, yet you insist that its nothing to harm me...or our marriage. I see you, demanding trust is simply a tactic to get away with further thoughtlessness and dishonesty.

I love how you had the audacity to throw everything in my face. Keep it all there. Perhaps she was that amazing that I somehow cannot compare or understand. The childishness of fighting her for you is beneath me, you never understood our endless fights, dishes smashed, and all hell break loose yet I wouldn't confront her even though I knew her name and number. Oh I did feel insecure at some point asking myself over and over what am I lacking? What do I need to improve. And you had the balls to tell me. As if it was me who looked for someone else to fill the gaps in our relationship.

Trust is not something I am required to do for you just because we are married. I know I have to trust you but its not a requirement for marriage, its a reaction to experience. It grows a each spouse shows that they are trustworthy. For trust to ever exist in our marriage again, we should begin with a commitment to be thoughtful and honest. Without that commitment its foolish to trust you again. And you should follow through with thoughtful and honest behaviour. Yet continuing to require that from you seems to be utter foolishness. So now I move forward with acceptance. Accepting that I may not be what you need anymore. Accepting that in this threesome I want out. Accepting that people change and grow and I hate the person you have become. Accept my part in this, I was too occupied to make sure that the house was well cared for, the kids not to lack anything, and instead of you reminding of how you also need me, look at all I do and lend a helping hand so that I may feeling I may have something more to give to you, but you looked for it else where.

The future is always uncertain. Can I forgive you? Yes. Will you not have another affair? I have no idea and frankly you are pushing to dangerously freeing ledge of I don't give a shit.  How can I ever trust you again? It will take a looong time. Can you be honest about all the details of your life? Not quite, you still have much to say and do...still creeping. Will you take my feelings into consideration with every decision you make? Only time will tell. I sit here patiently watching your every move, pretending I see nothing, my heart is now cold. The broken pieces are now jaded, unfitting to a whole again. 

How to do you let go...

As I listen to my friend tell me the lows in her relationship that she is even afraid to admit to herself, my brain runs in a million different directions on what I should say, how to comfort her, to empathise. I tell her I understand what she is telling me, but in reality I can only imagine. I have no idea what is going on or the circumstances that led her to this position in her life. 

How does one feel when you are eight months pregnant, and 2 year old toddler driving her crazy with a husband that decides that he no longer loves you and wants you to leave, after you gave up everything for him and the faith in your love? Me, like you had no idea what to say to possibly make this any easier for her or help her make sense of it. So all I do is tell her I love her so much and I am here for her, for whatever she needs. 

Typically of me I start imagining this situation and what I would do if it were me. I found it easy to tell her that if the man wanted you to leave, just go. Go back home to your loved ones who always have no choice but to take you back. But how is that possible? If you fought the whole family who didn't think he was good for you but you decided you knew him better, decided your parents, cousins and everyone were just jealous and didn't want to see you happy. How do you then face them again to tell them they were right and you were sorry? Not easy but its the only way. It reminds me of the Indian movie Yaadein, when the father tells his orphaned daughters that they can marry whomever they please, but they will afford the part in choosing the family they marry into. Why? They ask? He replies that when you get married, wife is not the only title you get, you become the daughter in law, aunt, sister in law et al. All these relationships will at one point or another affect your life. 

My question becomes, how do you get to this place? It cannot be just one thing. It has to be a million little things. The little digs. The unsaid things. The thoughts you secretly keep. The others outside showing that you can do better. It is the marriage. It is the kids. It is money. Responsibility. It's all the things you say and don't say to each other. Is it fair to say that he has changed, that the money he is making is going to his head yet you held him down when he had nothing? What is her play in this? She assures me that she is not to blame and that she has remained the same person she has always been, the woman he fell in love with. Yet I try to make her see her part in this mess something she cannot see at all. We are always blinded by what we do and unaware how our actions affect others. How do you let someone go at the time in your life when you need them the most, someone that you would give your soul to keep?

7 Things Your Wife Won't Tell You

Most men have a hard time understanding women...even a woman they've been married to for years. One minute she is perfectly fine, the next she is an atomic bomb. She complains about something but when you offer advice on how to fix it, she still wont be satisfied. Let me tell you secret about women...don't worry so much about what she says, instead you should worry at what she doesn't stay.  So here is a couple of things is my short time as a married woman have taught me...and we will never say this to you...

1. All we want is YOUR LOVE!!!

When a wife shows her husband less respect, he in turn shows her less love. And when a husband shows his wife less love, she in turn shows him less respect and the vicious cycle continues over and over again. 

So if you want to make your life better, and stop this vicious cycle to become your ever ending reality, show her some love. That's all she wants. Love your wife despite her quirks, and she will overlook yours. And this woman will love you so much...and this woman will love you deep. Your wife will love you for keeps...she will love you until lemons become sweet!! 

2. She's BORED!!!

It's the same monotonous thing everyday, day in day out, week in week out. Its boring. Not only is she bored she is also tired. Tired from having to take care for the kids, running the household for you, and then pampering you - and she works too, just like you. Imagine if you had to do that all the time - full time. 

So my dear brothers, I implore you, make your wife feel special - give her a break. Take her out sometimes. Surprise her by cooking dinner or doing the dishes sometimes. Bring her favorite dessert home sometimes. Just do something, anything every now and then to break the monotony. 

3. She want's to be COMPLIMENTED!!!

Appreciation. Everybody craves to be appreciated. No one wants to feel as if the hard work they do goes unnoticed or even worse, taken for granted. It is not a woman's requirement in a marriage to clean your dirty clothes, to cook your meals, to heal you, to make you whole - but she does. And she does that on top of everything else she has to do in her life. Caring for the kids, working or going to school, striving to be a better Muslim....to mention but a few.

Show your wife that you appreciate and are thankful for the things she does to maintain you and your family. We often take our spouses for granted so much that we never let them know that we appreciate them. A simple "thank you" is a good start. 

4. She is insanely JEALOUS!!!!

There is a reason women don't care for polygamy even though it is decreed by Allah. Be very careful how you talk about other women around your wife. Don't ever compare your wife to another woman. Don't compare her to some movie star. and please DON'T compare her to your mother...and never ever compare her to your ex-wife or the other wife.

She wants to know and to believe that she is the center of your universe. So make her feel that way. Expect and respect, some jealousy from your wife. 

5. She wants you to take the lead. 

She cannot stress enough the importance of men taking the role of the leader within their families. And that is a problem with a lot of Muslim men nowadays. Not only are they not being good leaders, they are being led by their wives, (or mothers, or other women in their lives.) When will you understand that its the man who sets the tone, when you are not around we smell your cologne. 

Your wife desires and wants you to be her leader. And what better way to lead than to show her how to be a better person? A better Muslim? But you can't show her how to become better if you are not that great either...remember God made Adam before He made Eve. Therefore, you have to upgrade your Iman. You have to improve yourself and improve her in a gentle and respectful way. 

6. Surprise surprise!!! She doesn't like to NAG 

It's a common myth that women like to nag their husbands. that is not entirely true. She doesn't like to have to nag you but you make it very very hard. But even so, as women we should be grateful of the things our husbands do for us. But very often, men make it so hard for women to hold their tongue.  We want to respect you never want to hurt you. We give your our bodies but we'd rather give you our virtues. Perhaps you are always finding faults in her in she looks for things in your character to get even, perhaps you are not working, or not working hard enough and she has to take up the slack. Or perhaps you are just not that great of a guy but she loves you anyway. We give up on our dreams trying to break your walls. We bend over backwards to show you how much we care.  So dude, upgrade yourself and give her less reasons to complain or nag. 

7. More than anything, she wants a stable and HAPPY relationship with you. 

Women don't get married because they don't think it it's gonna be fun. They get married because they want a happy family life and they believe that you're gonna give it to them. Outside her religious duties, that's the most important thing in a Muslim woman's life. Raising a happy, stable family. and guess what? it's very easy for you to give it to her.

1. Stop acting like a jerk, Be a good husband to her. Be kind to her. Show her you love her.
2. Don't threaten her with divorce or taking a second wife. Yes, you have the right to do both, but using them as threats in inappropriate and detrimental to your marriage.
3. Trust in Allah, watch out for the tricks of Shaytan, and be patient with her. There's nothing Shaytan would love more than to destroy your marriage. 

See that isn't all hard. Is it now?

Don't Get Married If...

Today I am appreciating the work of another author, I really connected with this great piece and I wished I was eloquent enough to write such a piece. I think this is a great piece, a must read, fresh reasonable outlook ...and I loved it. What do you guys think?

-------------

IF you are not ready to delay gratification when you are angry. To hold your tongue, lower your voice and sometimes wait till the appropriate time, day or even month before you can deal with an issue thoroughly...don't get married. Immaturity is the inability to delay gratification. Marriage is for the mature.

If you're not ready to leave center stage and allow someone else to become your focus, your study, you muse...don't get married. Selfish people make very bad spouses. In marriage you don't lose yourself - but your heart has to be big enough to gain someone else. And soon, with God's blessing, little, crying, diaper soiling, demanding little ones are coming! 

If you are not ready, to stand up and calmly deal with meddling in laws as a united front: The opinionated sister, the insensitive uncle, the domineering father, the manner less brother, the nosy aunt...don't get married. Boundaries do not exist automatically, they must be created. A good spouse is committed to respectfully stand up for and protect their marriage from meddling relatives. Don't abandon your spouse to your relatives. It's betrayal. 

If you are not ready to pay bills...don't get married. Love does not pay bills. Kenya power will not give a waiver because your love is O so strong and you gaze at each other, O so romantic.  

If you are not ready to let go of your opposite sex "best friends" and invest that into your spouse; to like, to laugh, to play, to be silly and to enjoy life with them above anyone else..don't get married. Affairs happen because people did not marry their best friends. Someone else holds their heart. Someone else gets them better. Someone else inspires them more. Marry your best friend and cultivate your friendship so that you remain best friends.

If you are not ready to stop competing with the Joneses...don't get married. Let the Joneses buy their yacht when you are still walking; and enjoy the walk. Your journeys are different. They may have to cross oceans but you may be going through a road route. A boat might not do you any good on your journey. You must be ready to pace yourselves: stop competing, stop spending your future before you get there, stop the debt, stop trying to impress people. You must be able to be content. To enjoy your journey without deciding your happiness simply by measuring your progress against other people. 

If you are not ready to be an open book; to tell the whole story of your past, deal with the memories, expose the failures and risk rejection...don't get married. It is fraud to have someone sign off their life to you without the full details. The past is a touchy and demanding friend. It always shows up in a marriage. It doesn't enjoy being ignored and the more you snob it, the bolder it becomes and the more tantrums it throws. It will mess up the "neat" and "all together lovely" image that you are struggling to maintain.

If you are not ready to let go of your philandering and wild oats farming...don't get married. Don't take somebody's son or daughter and subject them to your germs, your indiscretions and your chips fungaz. It never ends well. It's romanticized in the movies, it's being fronted as the only "realistic" way to stay married and keep the fire burning. But truth be told, the only thing that the fire will burn will be you, your spouse, and your children. That family will burn for generations in bitterness, disease, fear, failure, hatred, broken hearts and broken dreams. 

Finally, if you are not ready to let go of the adrenalin rush of a risque life and to settle down...don't get married. The great Colombus (who we are told "discovered" America, have you ever wondered if the Native Indians who were in it knew that it existed?) had a diary that was long sought for. People wanted to read about wild journeys, the sea tempest, the reckless pirates they fought, the deaths, and the danger they must have encountered. When it was found there was great disappointment  Majority of the pages simply had 5 words: "This day, we sailed on."

Marriage, like life in general, has many "we sail on" days. You have to learn to find the thrill in the normal everydayness of it. If you depend in wild romance, all night sex (Ha!), romantic cruises, wild parties, compulsive moves across continents, tempestuous fights and make up sessions to be happy, you may be disappointed. You have to learn to thrill in gentle smiles, loving hugs, knowing looks, cozy moments, shared chores, cute babies, everyday work, dreaming together, praying together and simply living together. If these things are not thrilling, exciting and satisfying, you will look for a way out. The "boom twaff" moments are still there, but they are normally punctuations to the usualness of living. They cannot be your reason for getting married. They are unsustainable on an everyday basis. The one you choose must be thrilling to you even in the most mundane of moments. 

I pray this helps someone. Remember singles, YOU HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF CHOICE. Never let anyone pressure you into marriage. You are either ready of you're not: You decide! But please don't marry somebody and then punish them to live with your childish ways for the rest of their lives. A childish baby is cute but a childish adult is extremely frustrating. 

Marriage is for the mature and in many ways, we the married, are still being confronted with the demand to grow up everyday. If you are not ready for that demand...don't get married.

by 

Judy Karanja

Another First....

This was then - at our family wedding dinner

A whole year has gone by, a horde of memories, some I am eager to hold on to while others I try too hard to forget. The start of this incredible journey of our life together as a married couple has been bumpy and totally worthwhile. It was the 22nd April 2011 when we said our "I do".

I used to dream of a wedding of elaborate elegance, filled with family and friends; he said he dreamt of a wedding that would make me his wife - turns out we both got our wishes. Oh my, what a journey it has been, many years have gone on, we started off as friends, and then something more into it, then love, and now husband and wife. On this incredible journey I have learnt so much about myself.

Remember how I used to drive you soo crazy with my infinite random outbursts when we were friends? Or how I had such great difficulty saying "I love you" to you even though we both knew I felt it deeply enough? Or how I was one crazy-perfectionist-incessantly worrying- stressing-nagging-and still loving bridezilla? 

Sometimes we meet certain people in our lives without realizing how much they would mean to us later. I remember how I was so sure that I would never ever ever go out with you, my friend!!!! Yikes, I knew too much about you - and you swore to prove me wrong. 

I love being married, its wonderful to find that one person to annoy for the rest of my life. Kidding, but you know that is soo true. Thank you for finally helping me uncover that one of the secrets of a successful marriage is that it requires you to fall in love many times, and always with the same person. It also means that sometimes, I have to put on a smile on my face, even if inside I feel like dying for the sake of supporting you, which is painful process of learning about my strength, our strength.

This is now, one year later, celebrated with an Ethiopian dinner

And if that is not enough, marriage is teaching me to stop at nothing for the sake of our happiness, and doing what is in our hearts when we know we are right - our determination always wins in the end, and it comes with a sweet addition of proving others wrong. 

Most importantly, marriage is about doing more than what is expected, to make another's life a little bit more bearable, without complaining too much, and appreciating so much more all the little things, the little efforts, which in the end form a habit, a ritual. I now understand that Love is appreciation of everything in the other person. I love you. 

I pray to Allah that we will have this little celebration of gratitude in finding solace in our love, in each coming year inshallah. And should He choose to bless us with a little life as a testament of what greater miracle we can create, I will be forever indebted. I am happy alhamdulilah to have reached this milestone. Who knew?? How many people still don't believe that I am the "marriagable" type, but you don't care, you just love me. How many sermons do I get about how I don't act like how a married woman is supposed to, you just don't care. How many times have I been called fat, and I get all depressed and you just remind that it doesn't matter, that it isn't about them.

So on this very auspicious occasion I want to remind you two things only: Thank you and I love you. I could not have asked for a better man to have as a husband than you. I know I am quite alot to handle, Thank you for not changing me too much and loving me back just the way I am. 

Anniversary Coming Up

I will be damned!! A year has almost passed since we said our "I do" April is a special month this year, because it holds our first anniversary my dear. I am overwhelmed that we managed to make it this far, we got lost here and there but we always seem to come through thus far. A reason to celebrate is upon us, what can we possibly do to show each other how much we fully appreciate one another, that it has not always been easy, it has been difficult, but with trust, love and understanding we are finally standing here. We have only gotten started, we have yet to be tested some more, in our love, in our resolve. I hope that no matter what gets thrown our way, we will always make it through in someway. 19 days left only...

..marriage from kids perspectives...

...too funny...and had to share...

Wedding VS. Marriage

What is this disease that is plaguing our young women of Zanzibar? Why is the only main ambition they have is getting married before they reach 20??? Have you gone to Forodhani and see teenage girls and how they are acting? Have you gone to the schools and listen to what they talk about? Indeed this is an era whereby virginity is not dignity, it is just a lack of opportunity. It angers me to have a young girl who has barely finished form II or IV and they want to get married, to an older man or her sweetheart. If they marry within the same age gap the chances are the divorce will come through in six months or less. If they get married as second wives, the chances of staying married are a bit higher. 

As I contemplate about what makes them choose this road, I would like to conclude that most of them think that marriage and wedding are synonymous; or that a husband and a boyfriend are the same thing - and these two notions couldn't be more different. Ah! The beauty of puppy-love, of lying to parents to get a pretext to go out and meet that special guy for a few moments, both of you hungry for each-other, leave with a mistaken idea that is how it will always be. Thus basking in the euphoria of the honeymoon phase of the relationship, the youngsters decide that they want nothing more than to get married. 

Marriage is not a word- its a sentence. Living together with any person requires high degree of tolerance and patience, yet the children think they know all the answers, they are sure of their love, they don't want to listen to anyone else other than the sound of their own voices. The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality but must live with the character. The result is as you see it everywhere, single parents who are children themselves, newly divorced couples who are still madly in love with each other, divorced kids who are given free reign and they wreck havoc in other people's marriages. Someone should sit these kids down from the get-go and let them know that a marriage is not all the glitz and glamour that is depicted on the wedding day. The mundane reality of living together tests your love in more ways than you can imagine. When you have children, that bond gets tested even more. I feel helpless when I see kids who are soo keen to be grownup- they don't act their age, when you get here, you will see that it is not at all how you imagined it will be.

Yet, back in the bygone days when our parents got married, things were totally different. It was common for a 15 year old to get married. Parents arrange everything, and the girl may come back from school or from playing and get told that they are getting married the next day. The notion of love, drama and relationships did not exist back then as they do now - and marriages lasted for 30 or 50 years. It begs the question on why it hold to be true for marriages nowadays.One can argue that the situation is totally different, as a friend aptly summed it that we "live in an era where losing an iPhone has a huge impact in your life than losing your virginity".

I believe that what counts in making a happy marriage is not how compatible you are - but how you deal with incompatibility. Finally I want to add that all marriages are happy, its the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble. 

Marriage...

I recently received a request from a friend who is getting married very soon and asked me to share with her my experience since i was married very recently. Here is what I have to say:

1. Marriage day is one of the biggest day in anyone's life. Growing up, my mum always use to say that each person has three big days in our lives where the whole world stops for us. Those days are: the days you were born, the day you get married and the day you die. I think she is right.

2. Like any bride, I urge you to prepare, prepare and prepare - but when the day comes, go with the flow. Don't worry if everything is not going exactly as you planned, if it is going then it is meant to be that way.

3. Marriage and the wedding day are two very different things. We can plan and prepare to the T, for the wedding day - it can be perfect. But marriage, the journey, the process, the good, the bad and everything in between is something that you can only live to experience, and keep your wits about you while enjoy the ride.

4. Cry, its very important - do it with someone who matters, it is more healing than crying alone. Before, during, or after the wedding. The pent up emotions of anger, frustration, sadness, happyness - feel them. Don't keep them all in. Once you let all that energy out, fill every pore with positive energy, envigorate with laughter and dress yourself with a smile. Always. (You will be thankful you did especially wen the wedding videos and pictures come out. )

5. Honeymoon. Is an essential part of the wedding. Nothing will ever beat those jittering nerves and constant butterflies when you can finally tell the world that you are one. Take time out and enjoy that, when the whole word stops in wonder for you, bask in that glory and store those feelings away; so you can take them out during troubled times.

6. Family and friends. You will need them more than you can imagine.

7. Happyness. Its very important that the man you chose to live the rest of your life with makes you happy. You have to live with the consequences of that decision for a long time and every morning you wake up to that reminder.

8. Space. Marriage involves space. It is beautiful that you will always have a witness to your life, someone who will always be there. Yet that is also a test of marriage. That someone is always there. My theory is relationships involve three parts always: YOU, ME, US!! don't compromise any one part for the other, each is important to make the relationship healthy.

9. Life is a gift, enjoy it, live it, revel it, embrace the woman that you will become as a result of this journey. Marriage will lift you, break you, challenge you, embrace you, comfort you and so much more. Enjoy each moment, register each senstation and to me that is always the best way to live. In the moment.

10. Love. God. They complete your marriage. They keep you grounded. and they make life worth living - with a belief and hope that today is good, and tomorrow it will even be better. The more grateful you are; the better it becomes.