My Miracle

As a father I am awed by your presence, humbled that God chose to send such a beautiful miracle that is you into my life. I always remember that day with reverence when the Heavens smiled down at me and blessed me with you. I cannot describe to you the infinite joy I felt when your small, soft body was placed in my hands. I felt that I would hurt you - and you settled comfortably in my arms. Something hard melted in me, you had already held my heart in your little hands, I had this beaming light inside me, each time you looked at me, each time you gurgled at me, I almost tried to believe that you knew me by instinctive sign. My seed combined with your mothers, showered in God's blessing - I had helped create a life. Your life. 

My son, you will soon grow into a little man, what can I tell you, how can I teach you how to live, how can I mold you into what you need to be - actually I don't want to tell you anything about living life, I just want you to watch me. As much as I want you to grow I realize that I need to do some growing. Your father needs to set his priorities, to accommodate you into my busy schedules, and I want to always remember that my presence is much better than my presents.  See it is much easier to become a father than to be one. 

My son, I had a great role model in my father, your grandfather. He was a great man, he would have been proud of you, he would have wanted to spoil you, to spend time with you, to love you. But he was taken from us too soon. I would have loved to place you in his care, for him to teach you a thing or two here and there, for him to see me for the man I am, to help me become the father I know I can. Although he is no longer with me, he is as a gentle hand on my shoulder, the lessons he taught me in early life live with me to this day. He gave me support and freedom, made sure I knew that I was important, destined to create a better life for myself. I would like to believe that I have not disappointed him, that somewhere he is smiling down at us, because in-spite of thousands of books on expert advice in how to raise children, the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and mothers...only the grandparents know how to do it. So even if he is not here, you have a loving grandmother who loves you to bits.

Ah, too many thoughts in mind, too many worried emotions in how I want to do this right for you, for me, for your momma. But you are a child and what you need most from me right now is unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, and lots of hugs. You are my first child, so you are my experiment, I am new at this, (and yes that does give you an excuse to get away with a lot of things.) As you claw my face, laughing, deliriously enjoying my presence, accepting me, I am whole once again. A garden of love growing in my heart, every time you smile at me. I love you infinitely. So even if I wont get it right all the time, I promise to do the best I can.  

To My Child

People change for two reasons, you learn enough that you want to,
or you have been hurt enough that you have to.
My child, there is much in the world to make us afraid,
there is much more faith in the world to make us un-afraid.
Worrying wont keep the bad stuff from happening, it just keeps the good - yet

I worry about the kind of person I will bring into this world, I want to stop; I wish I could

I ask myself how can I want to bring a child, my child into this world?

and I realise its because there is no other world, and my child has no other way into it.

Your mother my child is an imperfect woman, still trying to find herself,
I fear for you my child that you will inherit my stubborn nature,
I have to pay attention to how I live my life because other people are,
I don't want you to be on the receiving end of all my scars,
I don't want to project unto you my failed hopes and frayed dreams,
My ambitions, strife for success are not as wonderful as they seem
How can God entrust me to be your guidance as you inhabit the earth,
When I try to define myself feels like I am trying to bite my own teeth.

A real mother is never alone in her thoughts;
She always has to think twice, one for herself and one for her child.
A real mother understands what a child does not say,
She instinctively comprehends the words in babble that you cry,
A real mother's work is never done,
She has classes to teach, food to cook and shoes to shine.
A real mother's love is spelled with T-I-M-E,

She has to juggle, balance, sacrifice and find the reason and rhymes, 

A real mother is the holiest person alive,
Her prayers follow you everywhere, and get there before you arrive.

Now that I am grown I understand how much work a mother does,
to love and raise and keep a family together is the highest priority she has,
My child, live for what tomorrow has to offer and not what yesterday took away,
God sometimes removes someone from our lives for our own protection - and that
Pain makes you stronger, fear makes you braver and heartbreak makes you wiser.
Making the decision to have you is momentous - we are deciding
to forever have our hearts go walking outside our bodies. 

In your father I have found a heart that will love me at my worst,
Mind to understand my needs and hands to hold me at my weakest.
I try to expect nothing but I am open for anything,

I didn't look for happiness but I didn't settle for anything less.
My child, I want to be your nurse, seamstress, washerwoman,
cook, teacher, angel and saint;
and your father wants to be your guide, exempler and friend.
No servants to come between.
Only then will you be born to the best fortune we can give.
If I could make you comprehend the thoughts in my mind you wouldn't believe,
Why I am even feeling like this...and  You my darling have not yet been concieved.