When Trust is Broken

How can I ever trust you again? And without trust how can our marriage ever survive? An affair is the ultimate betrayal...you are fully aware of the suffering the affair will inflict on me...yet you are daring enough to do it anyway. You claim to love me, perhaps now you love seeing tears imprint my face. You say you respect me but you don't want me to walk this place with my head held high. It reflects a total disregard for my feelings, someone whom you promised to cherish, love and protect for life.

And then there are the lies. Looking right onto my face and denying it all, getting angry that I would even think such a thing, shocked that I had the audacity to invade your privacy...and I caught you creeping. How dare I accuse you? How dare I be mad? When you still came home every night? All the things everyone used to tell me about but I vehemently denied, oh what a fool I am. She must be quite a woman that you give so much power to that she dares to call you to tell you good morning when you have not even left our bed. The same bed you leave cold to assure her sweet nothings so she can sleep well.

This is the man that you have become. Reckless, thoughtless, uncaring of anyone else except your own damned needs. The children looking at your expectantly to be help are left with cold stares and how busy you are. They come crying to me not understanding why daddy doesn't love them anymore. This man I cannot fight for. I will not fight to be lied to, to be taken for granted, fighting to be dissappointed, and fighting to be hurt again so slowly I starting for acceptance and to let go.

How can I ever trust you again? After everything how can we ever heal?

How can you be the unfaithful one and yet demand that I should trust you now. That now you claim to know that without trust our marriage cannot thrive. You say without doing much to rebuild the broken pieces that you left me with but rather to avoid to have to change and do things to regain my trust. You keep claiming that you have changed...you don't want to say what you are doing in secret, yet you insist that its nothing to harm me...or our marriage. I see you, demanding trust is simply a tactic to get away with further thoughtlessness and dishonesty.

I love how you had the audacity to throw everything in my face. Keep it all there. Perhaps she was that amazing that I somehow cannot compare or understand. The childishness of fighting her for you is beneath me, you never understood our endless fights, dishes smashed, and all hell break loose yet I wouldn't confront her even though I knew her name and number. Oh I did feel insecure at some point asking myself over and over what am I lacking? What do I need to improve. And you had the balls to tell me. As if it was me who looked for someone else to fill the gaps in our relationship.

Trust is not something I am required to do for you just because we are married. I know I have to trust you but its not a requirement for marriage, its a reaction to experience. It grows a each spouse shows that they are trustworthy. For trust to ever exist in our marriage again, we should begin with a commitment to be thoughtful and honest. Without that commitment its foolish to trust you again. And you should follow through with thoughtful and honest behaviour. Yet continuing to require that from you seems to be utter foolishness. So now I move forward with acceptance. Accepting that I may not be what you need anymore. Accepting that in this threesome I want out. Accepting that people change and grow and I hate the person you have become. Accept my part in this, I was too occupied to make sure that the house was well cared for, the kids not to lack anything, and instead of you reminding of how you also need me, look at all I do and lend a helping hand so that I may feeling I may have something more to give to you, but you looked for it else where.

The future is always uncertain. Can I forgive you? Yes. Will you not have another affair? I have no idea and frankly you are pushing to dangerously freeing ledge of I don't give a shit.  How can I ever trust you again? It will take a looong time. Can you be honest about all the details of your life? Not quite, you still have much to say and do...still creeping. Will you take my feelings into consideration with every decision you make? Only time will tell. I sit here patiently watching your every move, pretending I see nothing, my heart is now cold. The broken pieces are now jaded, unfitting to a whole again. 

I'm leaving...because he cheated

"I'm leaving him...because he cheated on me!" is a very common mantra I hear in western culture. It is a mantra depicted in a number of movies that there is no more despicable thing than a woman who finds her man cheating on her. As Comedian Katt Williams said it, "you leave a 98 percent good nigga for a funken 2%....coz he cheated!!!" In movies its all the same, women throw away years and years of love because a man cheated!! Don't get me wrong I am not condoning cheating but if you keep ranting, "I'm leaving my man, HE CHEATED ON ME!!!" please go to town and see all the fine, cute, sexy, hot, hungry and desperate chicks waiting to snatch your man's money and property and they don't even mind sharing....You cannot deny that there are far more women than men, yet every woman expects every man to have just one? That's just bad math (*can't believe i wrote that. *hides face) At least that thought is reasonable, get this: why do some women get with a man who already has a woman and encourages his to leave his woman and then expects him to be faithful to her?? (now thats messed up!!)

Where am I going with this you wonder? I am a Muslim woman so IF my man should cheat (God forbid) it is not an acceptable reason for me to leave. It is not even an option for me socially, ( my parents come from the school of thought where when something is broken, fix it - they don't want none of the modern crap  where when a relationship starts to fail, we throw it away).  The only viable solution for me is that he should marry her. That is what Allah decreed. and the man is allowed four wives in my religion...so on the day that I got married I know that at the back of my mind this man still has a right to marry three more women. ...cheating is not allowed even in Islam, and it is a punishable crime by death for adulterers because marrying four women is halal ...That changes the marriage perspective....can you imagine it? Could you live with it?

Just because polygamy is allowed doesn't mean that its easy. It doesn't mean that us Muslim women don't go crazy when we hear there is a second wife in the fold. Sometimes the guy finds a hotter, younger, smarter richer woman and makes her the second wife and we are filled with anger, betrayal and all...but when a man decided to just marry some woman and each time the first wife asks herself why he had to marry the 2nd one, why her? The first wife starts second guessing herself... A friend of mine recently told me that if her man ever married a 2nd wife she prays that she is not better than her in any way, so she can walk proudly and say "she aint got nothing on me!!"

Yet there are other people who marry two wives and they have justifiable reasons...but a woman's heart doesn't understand logic, reasons, rules...it just hurts, it bleeds..and she still has to smile and make the best of it.

Liar...Cheater...Lover

He cheats. He lies. He sleeps around.
But her kids future are secure with him.
She has sacrifised her own happiness,
for her kids prosperity, for being called
a respectable woman. For being married.

It is easy for you to judge her,
for you to point fingers at her,
for you to laugh at her, because
you don't understand her dilemma.
You don't know its your dilemma.

She knows her man, and what he gets up to,
But he is a great father, supportive of her dreams,
Its not easy to give all that up,
and try to not poison her kids
against her husband, their father.

She knows how you lie to yourself,
that he cheated on you just once;
that it was a mistake. Here's a truth:
Cheating is a choice not an accident.
Falling off a bike is an accident,
but you don't trip and fall into a vagina.

So before you start pointing fingers,
make sure your hands are clean.
Compromise and sacrifice are
her crowning glory, she is waiting
out her victory. Patience, perseverance,
companionship, there is love there.

Years later, when her children
finally understand that she pawned
off her happiness in exchange for theirs,
they will love her always, they will treasure
her immensely, hold her in high esteem,
she will have found the love she has given him,
cloaking her when she hugs her children.