I Will Always Love You

I am writing this for you. I know that anyone may read this but I want you to know that I am writing this for you. No one else will understand. No one else knows. They think this is for them. But no, its not. I am writing this for you. I feel the need to come clean today. 

You were that one person that understood me the most. You have always been there for me, always appreciated me, always had my back, and seen a person in me that I would have never seen in myself. You gave me the freedom for my free spirit. You didn't try to tame me.  You made me comfortable enough to remove the facade that I save for everyone else. You taught me so much, the only person who could make me feel like I mean the world and yet be insignificant at the same time. You taught me to take things slow, to not always talk so much but to listen, to not always be in a rush but to silently bless everything around me. You taught me the true meaning of perseverance.

I had loved others before you, but only you seemed to have that profound effect in my life. It wasn't always good between us. Sometimes all I wanted to do was hurt you. Sometimes you took me for granted. Sometimes you wouldn't give me what I needed. Other times you made me feel like I didn't matter. You were so confident that I would always be there that you stopped noticing me, yet I loved you more than life itself and I showed you. I was so vulnerable with you, enough for you to leave with lifelong scars should you hurt me, yet trusting you not to do so. You wouldn't do the same with me. Its true what they say, love is a sweet tyranny, because the lover endures his/her torments willingly.

What can I say, every time I look at myself in the mirror, I see a part of you smiling back at me. I loved you more than I loved myself, you approval was what I lived for. I wanted to make you smile, to bring you out of yourself. I went out of my way to always make you happy, always make you pleased with me, always make you love me, so you can never dream of leaving me. You loved me for no big reason, and I lived each day to give you reasons to love me.

Then something happened. You, or maybe me, we broke. I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every part of my body was broken too. On the good nights I wished you all the joy, that you would find all the happiness you desire that you couldn't have with me. On the bad nights,  I wished I was a little kid again, skinned knees are much easier to fix than broken hearts. Have you ever been hurt as a kid, and the place tries to heal a bit, and just pull the scar off of it all over and over again. You made go so far as to wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and all I am is just a reflection of her.  You made me question everything in my life. I became reclusive - like a hermit crab. Hiding behind my shell, forcing people to believe in the smile on my face and turn a deaf ear to the deadning cries of my heart. No one could help me fix it. No one knew what to do. I had to decide when it was enough. When I will stop giving life to all the hurt you served me on a cold platter. It was my call.

In the end I had to accept the inevitable. That even though I gave it my all, I lost you. I tried to tell myself that giving up doesn't always mean that I am weak, that it means I am strong enough to let you go. After everything that we went through, I have never stopped loving you. Ask me why I keep on loving you when its clear that you may not feel the same way about me; its this little problem - as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you. There I was, the most independent and smart woman I know, broken into tiny little pieces, wrecking havoc in anything good that still remained in my life. My friends didn't know what to do with me.

I can't forgive and forget. I have picked one. I am going to forgive you, and forgive myself for all the things we did and did not do for each other. I have come to terms with all that has happned, we both have new people in our lives, they do their best for us. What we had is over and finished long ago, I am putting my all in what I have been blessed with right now. He is not you, but I am a firm believer that the Lord always knows what he is doing.  He chose him to be in my life and not you. I love him so much more that he was patient enough to wait for me to sort out my muddled emotions. I love him because he never judged, but tried to understand. All he did was put me first. All he did was love me. All he did was give me a brand new heart and allowed me to keep my shattered pieces that you left behind. All he did was love me in his own fashion, and then made me find the faith to believe in love again. His love.

Finally, I want you know that I will always love you, and I will always love him more.

Unsaid Words

Life is short and there is no time,

to leave things unsaid is like diamond in the mine.

The unsaid is left unexplained,

falling on deaf ears and empty dreams unrestrained.

The less you talk the more it hurts,

how many times do you need to tear me apart?

I knew the time had come to let go,

when all you cared about were your walls and  ego.

Nothing hurts more than being ignored,

I poured my heart out to you from the deepest stores.

You could fill a book with words I said,

You filled me with grief by words you left unsaid.

Behind my smile was a hurting heart,

and behind my laugh I was gradually falling apart.

I wish I could have given you my pain,

so you could see all my senses that you have maimed.

Those wounds didn't seem to heal,

They kept oozing with pain that was just too real.

I'll be owkay?

is that what you want me to say?

there is emotion behind my "I don't care"

my soundless cries are what you don't hear.

My silence is my loudest cry,

I am too wounded to mend ignoring you is all I try.

I make no apologies bloke,

For how I choose to repair what you broke.

love is the only covering on all my pain,

and makes me feel whole and wonderful again.

The agony that I am feeling,

donesn't compare to the joy thats coming.

Betrayed

I sit and wonder, what have i done to deserve this, 

I feel broken, hurt, wounded, 

and you are the centre of my pain, 

You caused it - the one person I run to

when my world topples upside down. 

Now you are the centre of my confusion, 

the centre of my turmoil, as my mind wanders, 

as my tears keep running down my cheeks, 

i sit dejected and defeated, 

sorrow, grief, anguish and anger 

all engulfing me at once. 

What wrong did I do to deserve this 

I tried to be the best friend to you, 

I never asked too much from you, I accepted you, 

Bent backwards and went out of my way
to be there for you

to make you reach for your dreams, 

to restore your faith in humanity

that we are not all the same, 

that friendship was the answer

I remember the good times, 

the times we laughed till we cried, 

how you would never let me do stupid things alone, 

how you could see behind the pain that I hide, 

people looked at us funny, said we didn't act our age 

you were my family, a part of me that 

God trusted me to find.

I know all about you, 

the good, the faults and everything in between,

and I still accepted you and welcomed you

into my life, my heart, and my world

If you wanted to jump off the cliff 

I would reason with you and when it all fails, 

I would ask you to wait so I can get down

to catch you and break your fall.

Now I hear about your betrayal, 

You had to be the one person to break me to the world, 

to hang my dirty laundry in public,

all in the name of you are afraid of loosing me,

all because you feel I found new friends 

that I would totally forget about you. 

the pain is unbearable, 

being heartbroken by a friend 

is the worst tidal flushing my body

I cannot register the pain, 

I cannot stop the tears of disbelief...

I trusted you: 

enough to be vulnerable around you

my weakness is,
 I dont know how to do things half way, 

how to be stab people in the back, 

I am upfront. 

I want to confront you, 

I want to tell you I know about your lies

yet you smile to my face,

and I realise it is not worth it.

You are not worth it.

so I have gone numb to deaden the pain,

I don't want to feel like this

It's not just my heart that you broke, 

but every single part of me, my ideals and dreams,

pain so deep in places I didn't know about.

Maybe all is not bad, 

maybe I am getting saved for something better,

I want to believe that someday

I will back on all of this and smile. 

Because letting you go is hard

Part of me wants to believe that we can fix this.

But you know what?

Thank you.

Thank you for teaching me. 

Thank you for being my learning curve.

Thank you for the pain, 

because I will rise above it. 

Thank you for letting me know

that I am not invincible. 

Thank you for showing me 

that sometimes, 

when something breaks,

It is better to leave it broken 

than hurt myself trying to fix it.

If not for YOU...

If not for you, I wouldn’t know

what true love really meant.

I’d also never know that

there is no better place,

To be right now,

Than on the floor,

Crying my eyes out,

Falling into a deep sleep,

To forget about the days,

Forget about the nights,

Forget about you.

If not for you, I’d never know

this intense craving,

to feel your tender touch;

to hear your voice;

No other one could take your place;

You’re it; I have no choice.

I block my ears,

From hearing the sounds,

Like your voice,

when you dedicate songs to me,

Those lovely songs,

They sounded to tender,

Now they kill me,

They hurt me,

If not for you, I’d never know

what its like,

When everything in the world

is beautiful;

Now, I don’t want to hear anything,

Don’t want to hear the waves,

Hitting against the sand,

Don’t want to hear the birds,

Singing outside the windows.

Don’t want to see my face,

Don’t want to see you,

Don’t want anything,

That has to do with you,

If not for you, I’d be adrift;

I don’t know what I’d do;

I’d be searching for my other half,

Incomplete, if not for you.

Now I want to forget the way,

You looked at me,

When you left me,

I want to forget,

I want to leave this world,

Close my eyes,

Fall to sleep to stop the heart,

From beating.

I hate you that I don’t wanna lose you

I hate you that I adore you

And I totally hate you the way I love you;

I hate me that I need you ,

I hate me the way I feel you

And breathe you, And taste you

I hate that I don’t have the strength,

Willpower, to let go

I hate you, I love you.

Now;

I just want to close my eyes,

just block away,

The world to stop the pain,

In my heart.

I just want my heart to stop beating,

To stop bleeding,

From your words,

Your love.

I gotta dislocate myself

from the tentacles

of my addiction,

To you.