Family

Family is God's way of showing you that He's got you. Imagine at a day old, a mushy bundle of joy with no means of communicating and yet God provides you an angel that will understand you, hold you, care for you and love you. You come into this world already knowing all the important things about her, you know her voice, her scent and importantly her heartbeat - all from the inside of her. As you cringe your face and cry at the unfamiliar world, you eventually get to meet compilation of people who have something in common with you. You share the blood bond. There is the dad, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles and many others. You the new addition to the clan and already you belong. 

Yet how do we move from that moment into abandoning our families. Not talking to our cousins. Petty family drama that we allow to define our lives. We chose to let go of those who held us when we needed someone. Why do inherit the hate or misunderstandings of others and absorb them into us? Because suddenly we have our own family that we created for ourselves, our friends. While they are amazing and seem to love us and be there when no one will. Yet we are more willing to let them get away with hurting us more than we would ever let our family. We hold our family with a higher standard of conduct yet we easily hurt them, because we know what can they do? Ostracise us? 

Being so far away, I seem to see everything clearly and differently. My mother was right, we should try and make friends out of our family, it deepens and strengthens the bond. To be in a place where you can make as many friends as you want yet have no one to call your own, is a foreign feeling. I catch myself searching for my mother's face in a strangers face. The snoring of my husband from the next door neighbour I can hear through the wall. The laughter of my child in all children I meet. The bickering of my cousins in the carefree gossipy teenagers. Sometimes I feel so lost. The loneliness gets overwhelming when you have always been surrounded by loved ones, always a short walk or drive away. I have gained a deeper appreciation and understanding. I tend to gravitate towards the people who are in the same predicament and we find ourselves giving each other love that we miss.   

Away from Facebook...

The social media is finally hitting our country by storm. Yeah so it took us a while to catch up with the rest of the world, but finally Facebook has hit Zanzibar...and everyone who is anyone is on it!!! Umbea mtupu!!!!

Facebook seems to have replaced people's need to really stay in touch, to talk to each other face to face, random "let's meet", or even texting and calling. All we do now is silently stalking everyone as a strategy to know whats going on in your friends life. As if that is all it takes, we have replaced the need for human connection to silently clicking on their updates, status, posts and other updates. 

I don't even want to go to the point where the random people add you ati because they liked your profile pic, I mean seriously roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends who the hell are you? or that random person from your previous school that you never actually talked to now wants to be your friend, or colleagues whom you may even dislike send you a friendship request. No thanks, its not a contest I don't want to have 5,000 friends and only know about 5 of them. What becomes the point? My point is IF you want to know someone for real, facebooking them should perhaps only be a start, not the only means to the end. 

Then there are birthdays!!!  That one day popularity you have on Facebook because its your birthday doesn't actually make you famous or that people really care; It's always someone's birthday on Facebook and we get that notification. You should really be grateful to people who actually remember your birthday without facebook.

Let me not even start on ugomvi na umbea that goes on kwa Facebook or stuff that become slandering and rumours because someone saw something, and then explained it and showed to someone else who then decided to embellish everything out of proportion whilst someone else is listening in with interest on issues that don't even concern them. Stop reading more into what people post than what there is, but eh if the shoe fits. Listen, you don't have to like me, I am not a Facebook status. You don't have to like what I write, and if you miss me? Stop poking me, and pick up the damn phone and call me, or better yet...come see me!!

So in light of everything I decided to give myself a break from Facebook  it was hard at first and it took  strength of character to break away from the habit; some people took a while to notice that I had de-activated my account and others didn't even notice. Eventually those who cared enough actually either called, texted, e-mailed or whatsapped me see where the hell am I and what's going on. The time away also served as a wake-up call for me to invest more in relationships I have now, to e-mail some friends, to set up Skype dates and not just stay impassively in touch yet really out of touch with people. I lasted for more than a month and I realised I didn't miss it that much and could go on for much longer, but strangely enough I needed the link it gave me to broadcast my blog more. I also came to appreciate more of all the people who take the time out to really be there for me...and I will put the effort to be there for them. I am back kwa Facebook but this time around without the manic need to constantly check what everyone is doing with their lives...I have developed a new infatuation now...with Twitter. 

My Pic of that day...

It was one of those moments in my life which felt too surreal for it to really be all mine. A part of me, a part of my life...I want to hold on to it for a longtime, basking in the beauty of making a human connection...A familiar face I knew from a lifetime ago, make that two, a confident woman smiling at me through the innocence of a girl; while a young boy was looking at me through the eyes of a man. Two people who knew from when I didn't even know who I am. Beside me sat a husband, whose first time it was meeting all of them.

The four of us, Jaa, Mahir, Hubby and I met at Forodhani for a talk of my life. Until I sat down I didn't know that I will meet the Past, the Present and the Future on that very same day, a chilly night, the sea calmed down, surrounded by busts of life, a distant aromatic food flavors, and fashion parades...You and your bro came dressed in casual elegance and I felt overdressed...(partly because hubby and I just came back from a dinner date..)

I felt humbled beneath the emotions you held in your eyes for me, I wasn't worth all that. I wasn't worth the awe, the respect, the care, the love and the mostly the undivided attention. I know they say the best mirror is an old friend but boy what an awakening!! We shared so many jokes, remeninced about the past, even the part of how I used to be such a bully sometimes, the good parts of the pasts which make you look up to me, hubby and I being our crazy selves, the so many questions of marriage from you guys. You two made us re-visit our past of how we used to be, how come we got married, what does marriage means, what does it take to stay happily married - only for you to sum us up as a "cute couple" sheeesh!!! gossiping about old friends who shall remain nameless who seem unfazed and haven't changed a bit with time...discussing your life where you are, and the one question I really wanted to ask, I couldn't or didn't... and what a beautiful gift I have found in your brother, I have rediscovered a new/old friend in him...

Somethings you said to me got to me in ways you could never imagine, for example that you look up to me for the simple fact of being me in a world that is constantly trying to change me. I realised that you got it twisted, it is me who looks up to you - like I told you I actually stalk your facebook and mpaka you had to make me your honorary weirdo, which is an honor. And Mahir, dang...he is good. He seems so much older, so much wiser, and I loved the way they hit it off so well with hubby...I am gonna miss you too much, actually I missed you from the moment you stepped down from the car...

I carried a camera with me so I can take photos of this day, so I can remember it after many years, that moment, the laughs, the conversations, the company, the setting, the comradeship, and guess what the weirdo decides to do - I forgot to take the pictures!!! The camera lay forgotten in my purse as we got lost in the beauty of that night, and one us couldn't handle it all...and fell asleep on my lap. All is not lost for I have tried to print the picture of that perfect summer night with my words, and I hope you love the snapshot that I took of that day through the lens of my heart, stored in my memories which I developed today for you with words to always bring a smile on your face...

Congratulations, you have just viewed our snapshot of the future, the present and the past. 

Missing You

I don't like missing you, but I love having you to miss. 
If I could have a star for every time I think about you, 
the whole night sky will be pitch dark. 
No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship, 
of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth. 
My thoughts are free to go anywhere and 
its very surprising how often they always go in your direction,
so I want you to always know that someone remembers, 
someone cares and your name is whispered in someone's prayers. 
Because when you are happy, I am happy,
when you are sad I am sad, when you are lonely, call me, 
so I reiterate my opening statement, 
I don't like missing you, but I love having you to miss. 

Betrayed

I sit and wonder, what have i done to deserve this, 

I feel broken, hurt, wounded, 

and you are the centre of my pain, 

You caused it - the one person I run to

when my world topples upside down. 

Now you are the centre of my confusion, 

the centre of my turmoil, as my mind wanders, 

as my tears keep running down my cheeks, 

i sit dejected and defeated, 

sorrow, grief, anguish and anger 

all engulfing me at once. 

What wrong did I do to deserve this 

I tried to be the best friend to you, 

I never asked too much from you, I accepted you, 

Bent backwards and went out of my way
to be there for you

to make you reach for your dreams, 

to restore your faith in humanity

that we are not all the same, 

that friendship was the answer

I remember the good times, 

the times we laughed till we cried, 

how you would never let me do stupid things alone, 

how you could see behind the pain that I hide, 

people looked at us funny, said we didn't act our age 

you were my family, a part of me that 

God trusted me to find.

I know all about you, 

the good, the faults and everything in between,

and I still accepted you and welcomed you

into my life, my heart, and my world

If you wanted to jump off the cliff 

I would reason with you and when it all fails, 

I would ask you to wait so I can get down

to catch you and break your fall.

Now I hear about your betrayal, 

You had to be the one person to break me to the world, 

to hang my dirty laundry in public,

all in the name of you are afraid of loosing me,

all because you feel I found new friends 

that I would totally forget about you. 

the pain is unbearable, 

being heartbroken by a friend 

is the worst tidal flushing my body

I cannot register the pain, 

I cannot stop the tears of disbelief...

I trusted you: 

enough to be vulnerable around you

my weakness is,
 I dont know how to do things half way, 

how to be stab people in the back, 

I am upfront. 

I want to confront you, 

I want to tell you I know about your lies

yet you smile to my face,

and I realise it is not worth it.

You are not worth it.

so I have gone numb to deaden the pain,

I don't want to feel like this

It's not just my heart that you broke, 

but every single part of me, my ideals and dreams,

pain so deep in places I didn't know about.

Maybe all is not bad, 

maybe I am getting saved for something better,

I want to believe that someday

I will back on all of this and smile. 

Because letting you go is hard

Part of me wants to believe that we can fix this.

But you know what?

Thank you.

Thank you for teaching me. 

Thank you for being my learning curve.

Thank you for the pain, 

because I will rise above it. 

Thank you for letting me know

that I am not invincible. 

Thank you for showing me 

that sometimes, 

when something breaks,

It is better to leave it broken 

than hurt myself trying to fix it.