What Love is This

Hurt me deep and expect me to turn my pain into poetry,
Take me for granted and expect me to treasure you,
Never look my way yet expect me to be in tune with your every emotion,
Love me selfishly and expect me to love you wholeheartedly.

Do my tears excite you? Does my sorrow enthrall you?
Why do you act like all you want is for me to be in perpetual anguish,
When was the last time you saw a smile on my face that reached my eyes?
Am I not a worthy woman in your eyes to deserve kindness?

How did we get here? We used to embody love in its entirety,
We used to be so intertwined in mind and body, in tune with each breath,
emotion, look, touch, caress...You were my everything.
You used to complete me, my every reason for existing.

Now, as I think of you, tears stream down my face at the last fight,
It's the only way we know how to communicate,
I silently sob into my pillow as you snore into yours,
I start to dissect every single thing that brought us to this point.

We seem to be in a stalemate, having the same fight over and over again,
Each of us unable to hear the other, each unwilling to give in,
Finally I drift into a fitful sleep haunted by graphic nightmares,
Reminding that its a lull in the storm, we will wake to hurt one another again.

A Guilty Pleasure

I love this movie. It the first Disney movie to teach young girls that you don't need a man to save you. A departure from the usual Disney love stories, its no wonder this movie with its songs is topping charts across the world. 

Dear Body

I've known you for almost 30 years and we've had some serious ups and downs haven't we?

I'm sorry for all the times I told you that you were ugly and that no one would want me because of you, I'm sorry for starving you those times and I'm sorry for making myself sick those other times. All in the hope of making you smaller.
I apologize for hurting you, the cutting, the burning and the pinching.
It's been a long time coming, but I should have loved you all along. You're what makes me, me. You have been amazing in the journey of growing us a baby (she is fabulous and loves me regardless)! So many people are giving me hell for not bouncing back to pre-pregnancy weight, ( and no, I am not pregnant, and yes I do exercise, no I don't eat chips all, no, I wont diet because I am breastfeeding, and yes I work full time) you've given me my big hips, my "more-than-a-handful" breasts, my thunder thighs and my tummy. All of which, at one point or another, I hated you for.

Please forgive me, it's hard growing up and everything I said and did to you was out of spite and fear.
It's ingrained in us to hate ourselves unless we look how society wants us to, I'm sure you understand.
When my hips came in, I thought it was the beginning of the end. Small, transparent scars appeared on my skin where it stretched to accommodate my new growth, but now I embrace these big hips of mine (even though they sometimes get me stuck between the seats on the bus...)
When my breasts didn't get bigger, I felt like less of a woman, I was a big girl, big girls are meant to have big boobs! Why didn't I have big boobs?!

Then I learned to accept that all bodies are different and that not all bigger girls have bigger breasts. I've also come to realise that they aren't as small as I make out. They're mine and I love them.
I'm sorry I let other people's opinion of you change how I saw you, and I'm sorry for letting those opinions get to me and upset me. I have put you through sleepless nights lately.

It's my opinion of you that counts. You're my body, and how I care for you, and what I give you for nourishment, is the business of no one, but myself.

My mother grew and nurtured me for nine long months, as you grew inside, she grew and changed outside, just so that I could be. I am loved, by my family, by my friends, by my partner, I am loved. And if I cannot love myself, if I close myself off to that love, that's just like telling those people who matter that their love for me means nothing.

That is another reason why I have grown to love my body. I surrounded myself with the love of others, and closed my ears to complaints on my size, shape, eating habits etc and only listened to what really mattered, and to who really mattered.
I want to thank you for being so strong.
I want to thank my chubby little legs for all the miles they've walked.
My wide hips because one day they are"child-bearing."
My scars for reminding me that the past is behind me.
My "more-than-a-handful" breasts because, they are more than a handful.
I want to thank my whole body for making me who I am, for never faltering and staying strong and healthy for these 27 years.

My pride and joy...

Bob Marley on Love

The Beginning of the End...

Some people say the world will end this year. Whether it will or it will not, time will tell...

It is undeniable that we are at the beginning of the end...the beginning of the end of 2012...27 days left and we will say our goodbyes....as usual I am in one of those reflective moods. I start trying to vaguely remember what my last New Year's Resolutions were and how quickly did I let them be and just let life unfold...at its pace and terms...It undeniable that this year has had some major challenges for me, and I am still struggling through some of them, still trying to grow, to learn, to accept, to understand...you know what they say if God doesn't change your situation for a while, He wants you to change how you feel about it. 

I had planned to lose some serious weight, and its undeniable that I failed, abysmally!! I try to carry the extra weight with class and style and its not always easy. Though it has made me realise that I need to stop being internally critical and negative about my body size. I am trying to have a healthy outlook on how I look. I realise that my body is really my temple. As I begin to care for it and treat it with respect, I find myself wanting to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. Fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so I am trying to rest, to be still, to not always want to be in the thick of things. I have come to accept that just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul - so I want to take more time to laugh and to play.

This year has hold testament of what my mum always says, "mapenzi yanazunguka" meaning sometimes your better half loves you more than you do him, sometimes you love him more than he does you, sometimes you both can't stand one another, but you still have to hold on. My love has been tested, and most times in this year I have had to swallow my ego, my pride, push my wants aside so that hubby can be my focus, so that I can support him. Sometimes he doesn't even realise what I do for him, doesn't appreciate all the efforts, doesn't notice the pain, but its important for my heart to have the depth to swallow all this and still keep him in the pedestal I have always placed him. As my compass, as my friend, as my playmate, I have realise I need to accord him the same chances that I give my friends. Maybe then and only then, will I have matured enough and grown enough for Allah to bless me with a little life again. 

This year has made me realise that no matter how hard I try I cannot make anyone love me or appreciate me. All I can try is to be a lovable person and leave the rest to them. All I need to try is value my worth, process a new form of self approval, and confidence. Which resulted in me trying to look at my relationships as they are and not as I want them to be. I am trying to stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. I am learning and the lesson will probably have to extend to the next year that just as people grow and change, so does love...and I have no right to demand love on my terms...just to make me happy. 

As the year ends I realise that I am not the same person who had started when this year started. Yet why is it so much easier to accept the change in the days, time, season and year and not accept the change in me, personally. Change is change, its not always good. A time has finally come when I finally get it...because in the midst of all my fears, insecurity and insanity, I stopped dead in my tracks and the somewhere inside me, in my head a voice cried out - ENOUGH!!!! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And like a child quieting after a blind tantrum, my sobs have begun to subside, I shuddered once or twice, I blinked back my tears through a mantle of wet lashes and I promise to look at the world through new eyes. 

In these new eyes all I want to be is thankful. Thankful for all the things that Allah has blessed me with. Someone told me to stop thinking about things that I didn't get after praying, but instead to think of the countless things that I received without asking. I want to appreciate and be grateful in many simple things that  I take for granted that millions of people on earth can only dream about, food, clean water, a soft warm bed, a hot shower, and peaceful home. 

So as the beggining of the end looms nearer, I want to look forward to New Hopes, New Begginnings and

New Dreams while maintaining all the wonderful things that I have been blessed with this whole year. 

I Had Hit The Pause Button of My Life

It was one of those times in life just seems to move by too fast. Where everything flashes by my eyes and I look at my life like a stranger and I do not understand that it is mine. Overwhelmed with overflowing emotions that I do not understand, so alien yet so close to home.  My heart filled with loss, hopelessness, pain, love, anger. I wish I didn't have to finish every prayer with "Lord, why does it have to be me?" So misunderstood, so confused I didn't know how to reach out. So used to be strong I didn't know how to face my loved ones when I was so broken. I was that constant oak to everyone yet who can I lean on?  So closed off, so distant, I started to enjoy being alone. What was the point of everyone? What is the point of seeing my pain reflected in the eyes of those who love me each time they look at me? What's the point in letting you know, when really I don't want your sympathy. Maybe empathy. I am tired of my tears. I am tired of my pain. I am tired of my loneliness. I am tired of being tired. 

I had hit the pause button of my life. I had closed off, shut myself away from everyone. Then again Akhera karibu, what is my legacy? Is this how I want to go out. They say if you really want something bad enough and believe in it, it will manifest if we believe. So all I want is this:
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.

I'm leaving...because he cheated

"I'm leaving him...because he cheated on me!" is a very common mantra I hear in western culture. It is a mantra depicted in a number of movies that there is no more despicable thing than a woman who finds her man cheating on her. As Comedian Katt Williams said it, "you leave a 98 percent good nigga for a funken 2%....coz he cheated!!!" In movies its all the same, women throw away years and years of love because a man cheated!! Don't get me wrong I am not condoning cheating but if you keep ranting, "I'm leaving my man, HE CHEATED ON ME!!!" please go to town and see all the fine, cute, sexy, hot, hungry and desperate chicks waiting to snatch your man's money and property and they don't even mind sharing....You cannot deny that there are far more women than men, yet every woman expects every man to have just one? That's just bad math (*can't believe i wrote that. *hides face) At least that thought is reasonable, get this: why do some women get with a man who already has a woman and encourages his to leave his woman and then expects him to be faithful to her?? (now thats messed up!!)

Where am I going with this you wonder? I am a Muslim woman so IF my man should cheat (God forbid) it is not an acceptable reason for me to leave. It is not even an option for me socially, ( my parents come from the school of thought where when something is broken, fix it - they don't want none of the modern crap  where when a relationship starts to fail, we throw it away).  The only viable solution for me is that he should marry her. That is what Allah decreed. and the man is allowed four wives in my religion...so on the day that I got married I know that at the back of my mind this man still has a right to marry three more women. ...cheating is not allowed even in Islam, and it is a punishable crime by death for adulterers because marrying four women is halal ...That changes the marriage perspective....can you imagine it? Could you live with it?

Just because polygamy is allowed doesn't mean that its easy. It doesn't mean that us Muslim women don't go crazy when we hear there is a second wife in the fold. Sometimes the guy finds a hotter, younger, smarter richer woman and makes her the second wife and we are filled with anger, betrayal and all...but when a man decided to just marry some woman and each time the first wife asks herself why he had to marry the 2nd one, why her? The first wife starts second guessing herself... A friend of mine recently told me that if her man ever married a 2nd wife she prays that she is not better than her in any way, so she can walk proudly and say "she aint got nothing on me!!"

Yet there are other people who marry two wives and they have justifiable reasons...but a woman's heart doesn't understand logic, reasons, rules...it just hurts, it bleeds..and she still has to smile and make the best of it.

Old Love

Most people I know are looking for love. The lucky ones have already found it and are looking for ways to keep it safe.  As they love is just a four letter word until someone comes along and gives it meaning. We all want that perfect love, better than any love story that we have ever read. Love is so dynamic, no one really knows how love feels because its different with each person; but there are so many manuals out there which tells you how its supposed to feel, sometimes I wonder what if they are wrong? I want old love. 

I love new love, don't get me wrong. When you hear a song and only his name comes to mind? Or when you meet The Guy who helps you let go of the pain? Or when you cannot stop texting each other and you tend to know exactly what goes on in each others minds? Better yet when you can finish each others sentences. Or  you cannot quiet the butterflies in your stomach at the mere contact of skins - even if it was just a brush of hands. You start imagining in intricate detail the first time that you kiss, and when it finally happens its always better than what you could ever hope for.  New love is exciting with a tinge of adrenalin rush.

I think Love is a journey of two people travelling together, they may take different routes but they are headed in the same destination. Friends could travel together and on the way they cross the threshold into love. One cannot quite remember how it came to be, yet the process is ever changing if you can stay together. The love emerges. The love  grows, the love strengthens. It takes real strength of character to fall in love with the same person everyday. To make love to the same person everyday. To believe in the same person everyday. To grow with the same person. To build with the same person. To fight with the same person everyday. To have a family with the same person. To annoy the same person. It takes real strength.  Love is an act of forgiveness, a tender look that becomes a habit. 

The beauty of old love is that it requires no explanation, and there are boundless surprises if you can sit and walk through memory lane. Old love is more free, when you have been with someone for that long, through that many things, created lives, and live life more carefree. You have seen old people together, the rituals, one cannot eat without the other present, they don't really care how embarrassing they are, they have this infinite love and joy each time they gaze at their grandchildren, old love is stubborn as hell, it may even take up new ventures, old love does not judge, old love is golden.

That's why I have set my heights on old love. I want to create old love with my partner. I love watching my parents and his parents. With thirty years worth of memories and as mum say the love is only 5 years. The rest is mazoea. They always remind us that it wasn't always good, they didn't amount to all those years because they left when things weren't going well. They tell me you have to fight for old love. They fought hard for the exclusive rights to be so silly and to be right down embarrassing as they are now. To boast about how much they have been through. To be at ease. To know each other so intimately. To have the silent conversations in a crowd. To know each other's opinions in different matters. To let each other grow. To fall apart so they can appreciate when it gets better. They have earned their love, they have paid their dues, and they are the sages who are trying to show us the ropes. 

So my dear, here is my vow to you: 

Fire and Rain

I wish my sister was my best friend. I don't know what has inspired this sudden urge to come clean about my relationship with my sister. Maybe I am going to die soon or something, just kidding hopefully, it's more because I miss her. I feel like I have been an only child for so long and its not the case. I have always been jealous of people who get along with their siblings, because I am not that lucky. 

Sometimes when I am having one of those honest one on one conversations with myself, I try so hard to make sense of the mess that is our relationship, I don't quite know how to place the blame, or understand the reasons. Is it because we were brought up by a grandmother who had 10 other kids to look after that we never got close as kids? Or is it because we were brought up to be competitive, repeatedly compared to one another in everything? Was it because she was always such a daddy's princess and I was such a rebel? Or was it because she went away, and with the distance and growing up, we couldn't quite breach the gap?

Me, who finds it so easy to pour my heart out on paper, and craft rhymes and rhythms cannot find the right words to explain why my sister and I are like fire and rain. When one is dominant, the other has to depart. I have so many best friends, I have been told countless of times that I am such a great friend, patient, understanding, loving, caring, sweet, thoughtful, confident, considerate - yet why can I not be all that to my sister? The weird part is that all my good friends know the deteriorating nature of my relationship with her, and they havent done anything about it thus far to help.  She is a lost cause they tell me, and to just let it go.

Yet mum is always on my case, reasoning with me on why don't I use the same psychology I use on everyone else with her - my only sister. She says she will die a very happy woman if the two of us could just get along. Heck, there are just the two of us, her extra pair of eyes as she lovingly calls us, why do we insist in making her one eyed? Always making her having to pick sides? She was hoping that we would have outgrown out childish ways, and yet we are still frenemies to this day. 

I am not writing to glorify my decaying relationship, but its time to be more to be honest. To acknowledge the way things are so maybe I can try to change them. Sometimes when in writing it feels more real, because I want to make a promise to myself to make it better and I have appointed you to be my witness. You may know what its like, to have that person in your family that you know you supposed to get along, it would be great if you could - but you just can't. For some people its the father, the mother, the sister, the brother, the aunts, the cousins - we all have some sort of skeletons in our closets and I am just cleaning out mine. 

I am sorry my dear sister that we have not been the kind of supporting of each other. I am sorry that I value my friends more than you. I am sorry that we don't always see eye to eye and refuse to reach some sort agreement about almost anything. You always say I am daddy's favourite, well you are mom's favourite, can we just both live with that? You are one of strongest people I know, so I am sorry that I misread your patience as weakness. You are always positive, always full of hope and faith, you are definitely the saint and I, the devil. 

I want us to try and put our differences aside. I may be the fire and you are the rain, can you drizzle gently and I promise to only smolder brightly so we can live together side by side. 

A Gold Box

Liar...Cheater...Lover

He cheats. He lies. He sleeps around.
But her kids future are secure with him.
She has sacrifised her own happiness,
for her kids prosperity, for being called
a respectable woman. For being married.

It is easy for you to judge her,
for you to point fingers at her,
for you to laugh at her, because
you don't understand her dilemma.
You don't know its your dilemma.

She knows her man, and what he gets up to,
But he is a great father, supportive of her dreams,
Its not easy to give all that up,
and try to not poison her kids
against her husband, their father.

She knows how you lie to yourself,
that he cheated on you just once;
that it was a mistake. Here's a truth:
Cheating is a choice not an accident.
Falling off a bike is an accident,
but you don't trip and fall into a vagina.

So before you start pointing fingers,
make sure your hands are clean.
Compromise and sacrifice are
her crowning glory, she is waiting
out her victory. Patience, perseverance,
companionship, there is love there.

Years later, when her children
finally understand that she pawned
off her happiness in exchange for theirs,
they will love her always, they will treasure
her immensely, hold her in high esteem,
she will have found the love she has given him,
cloaking her when she hugs her children.  

He Knows...He Understands...He Loves You!!!

Have you ever had one of those days,
when you try to kneel down and pray,
and you find yourself unworthy,
you find yourself being a hypocrite,
because you find yourself asking for forgiveness,
and you know you will do the same sin again?
you find yourself telling yourself that God
doesn't want to hear about your problems all the time?
You find yourself always asking things,
equating God with Santa Claus,
Have you ever had one of those days?

I am having one of those days,
when it all seems so helpless and I don't know what to do,
I find myself turning to God for advice on what I should do,
and I stop myself, I realise I didn't turn to him
when everything was going as it was supposed to,
and yet now I want to turn him into a divine bellboy,
to ask, and keep pressing for things I want done,
blessed are the pure in heart for they see God
because today, I am not that lucky,
I feel so disadvantaged, so full of problems,
and everyone seems to be taking me for granted,
I hate being taken for granted, so imagine how God feels.
Did I even remember to thank God today because
He didnt forget to wake me up this morning?

God's gifts put a man's dreams to shame
Yet we barely have the time to even remember his name,
God is good, He is with us all the time,
all we have to do is turn around -
to face Him, exalt Him, thank Him, worship Him,
because no matter how much we hide from Him,
He already knows;
No matter how we feel guilty and try to explain,
He already understands;
No matter how much we abuse and forget him;
He always loves us anyway.

Only God can help me turn my mess into a message,
transform my grueling test into a lasting testament,
so that my petty and magnanimous trials I become triumphant,
and make-over any victim into a sensational victory,
all we really have to do is have faith in Him.
Because in essence, Life is God's story,
I want to remember to let him write it, in all its glory.

You Make Me Wanna Say, "I DO"

I have a bad habit of falling too hard too fast,
I always end up getting hurt, and I think relationship sucks,
I should just give up and get into a relationship with my bed,
no commitment needed, we just sleep together every night.
But you stole my heart, so I want to steal your last name.

Everyday is a different day, more sadness coming my way,
every heartache, every blow, and words you don't mean to say,
each one more painful than the one before yesterday,
You didn't mean to abuse me everyday, loving me is all you do today,
Blissful is my world, not quite complete until when I am with you,
Eternity is not long enough for me to pour my heart out to you.

I am  mad at myself - not you; mad for always being nice,
for getting attached, for making you my life,
for depending on you, wasting time on you, for thinking about you,
for always apologizing for things I  didn't do,
for dreaming you will change, wishing you will, knowing you won't
but most of all, mad for not hating you, which I should but I can't.

I am not worried we fight all the time, I worry when it stops,
because it makes me feel like I am not worth fighting for,
I can bite my tongue forever while you try to find yourself,
You hide behind the violence, but inside you ache,
You don't mean to hit me, hurt me, even when I turn black and blue,
I know everyone says I should leave, but you make me wanna say "I do".

Finding the Good in: GOODBYE

Why do the people I really like always have to leave?? Why can't they all be in the same place. Someone always has to leave. Then I have to say goodbye, I hate saying goodbye. Goodbyes are hard but who said hellos were easy? So what I need are more hellos. They say goodbyes aren't forever and hellos never last, its the space in between when the future becomes the past...so babes I want to be your favourite hello and your hardest goodbye. 

When I miss you too much (no doubt) I will re-read our old phone and e-mail conversations and smile like an idiot. See, its not always the goodbye that hurts the most, its the memories of you that I can't forget and the flashbacks that I will always have. Whereas you are leaving me behind, I am left in a place imprinted of our memories and time together. All the things we used to do. All the laughs we had. All the embarrassing things I did. What shall I do with the days and hours that are counted until I see you again? You know what I realised today? Goodbye makes me think about all that I took for granted. All the things I wished I said to you. All the promises I wish I kept. All the stuff we should have done. But, c'est la vie. 

Enough about me. College is the best time of your life. I mean when are your parents ever going to pay several thousands dollars to move you in another town, and you can party every night? Exactly!!! Never thought of it that way huh??? So live your life, do you. Pursue your happiness. Don't live down to expectations, go out there and do something remarkable. If you should forget me for a while that's owkay, as long as I know that you are happy, then I am good. I know that in the midst of it all, you will always remember me. 

So don't cry that you are going away. Smile because we met. Because I managed to intimately know the incredible person that you are. And you kept up with all my bullshit. So the silver lining is; smile because our paths crossed. Don't be so sad at the goodbye, a farewell is necessary before we can meet again. The reason it hurts soo much to be apart is because our hearts are connected. Yeah, we could never be sisters because God knew our mothers couldn't handle us together, so He made us friends. 

I do feel like a woman of the world, now the earth seems so spacious. With so many loved ones scattered everywhere. We may not always be together, but you will always be in my heart. I love you.

***P.S: This is how I will feel in a while.  Right now, I wish you would stay with me and not leave. I am fighting back the tears at the very thought that I cannot randomly surprise you and annoy you. That I will not be able to see you everyday. That we will not do random hanging out. Right now, I have to take each day at a time. I have to keep it together, and that in time I will find a way to deal with the constant reminder of your absence in my life. 

"This is my wish for you: A sunbeam to warm you, A moonbeam to charm you, A sheltering Angel so nothing can harm you.  ~ Irish Blessing"

I Will Always Love You

I am writing this for you. I know that anyone may read this but I want you to know that I am writing this for you. No one else will understand. No one else knows. They think this is for them. But no, its not. I am writing this for you. I feel the need to come clean today. 

You were that one person that understood me the most. You have always been there for me, always appreciated me, always had my back, and seen a person in me that I would have never seen in myself. You gave me the freedom for my free spirit. You didn't try to tame me.  You made me comfortable enough to remove the facade that I save for everyone else. You taught me so much, the only person who could make me feel like I mean the world and yet be insignificant at the same time. You taught me to take things slow, to not always talk so much but to listen, to not always be in a rush but to silently bless everything around me. You taught me the true meaning of perseverance.

I had loved others before you, but only you seemed to have that profound effect in my life. It wasn't always good between us. Sometimes all I wanted to do was hurt you. Sometimes you took me for granted. Sometimes you wouldn't give me what I needed. Other times you made me feel like I didn't matter. You were so confident that I would always be there that you stopped noticing me, yet I loved you more than life itself and I showed you. I was so vulnerable with you, enough for you to leave with lifelong scars should you hurt me, yet trusting you not to do so. You wouldn't do the same with me. Its true what they say, love is a sweet tyranny, because the lover endures his/her torments willingly.

What can I say, every time I look at myself in the mirror, I see a part of you smiling back at me. I loved you more than I loved myself, you approval was what I lived for. I wanted to make you smile, to bring you out of yourself. I went out of my way to always make you happy, always make you pleased with me, always make you love me, so you can never dream of leaving me. You loved me for no big reason, and I lived each day to give you reasons to love me.

Then something happened. You, or maybe me, we broke. I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every part of my body was broken too. On the good nights I wished you all the joy, that you would find all the happiness you desire that you couldn't have with me. On the bad nights,  I wished I was a little kid again, skinned knees are much easier to fix than broken hearts. Have you ever been hurt as a kid, and the place tries to heal a bit, and just pull the scar off of it all over and over again. You made go so far as to wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and all I am is just a reflection of her.  You made me question everything in my life. I became reclusive - like a hermit crab. Hiding behind my shell, forcing people to believe in the smile on my face and turn a deaf ear to the deadning cries of my heart. No one could help me fix it. No one knew what to do. I had to decide when it was enough. When I will stop giving life to all the hurt you served me on a cold platter. It was my call.

In the end I had to accept the inevitable. That even though I gave it my all, I lost you. I tried to tell myself that giving up doesn't always mean that I am weak, that it means I am strong enough to let you go. After everything that we went through, I have never stopped loving you. Ask me why I keep on loving you when its clear that you may not feel the same way about me; its this little problem - as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you. There I was, the most independent and smart woman I know, broken into tiny little pieces, wrecking havoc in anything good that still remained in my life. My friends didn't know what to do with me.

I can't forgive and forget. I have picked one. I am going to forgive you, and forgive myself for all the things we did and did not do for each other. I have come to terms with all that has happned, we both have new people in our lives, they do their best for us. What we had is over and finished long ago, I am putting my all in what I have been blessed with right now. He is not you, but I am a firm believer that the Lord always knows what he is doing.  He chose him to be in my life and not you. I love him so much more that he was patient enough to wait for me to sort out my muddled emotions. I love him because he never judged, but tried to understand. All he did was put me first. All he did was love me. All he did was give me a brand new heart and allowed me to keep my shattered pieces that you left behind. All he did was love me in his own fashion, and then made me find the faith to believe in love again. His love.

Finally, I want you know that I will always love you, and I will always love him more.

Thank You Love...

I can be a challenge.
It might be difficult to wake up next to me every morning.
To get out of bed and to put on that smile.
To put an effort in loving me when I least deserve it.
I want you to know, that smile, that faith and that love
is what keeps me going some days.
Even through the rough times, you remind me that you are amazing.
You really are. 

I know that I am not perfect.
sometimes I turn my back on you instead of embracing you.
sometimes I take you for granted.
Sometimes I judge you on the pedestal I put my girlfriends.
Other times I use the things you tell me against you,
I manipulate you to get what I want from you - and you let me get away with it,
understanding me enough to let it be.
Most times I love how you try to love me with all the imperfections,
put up with incessant chatter, the worries and pressures I put myself through,
and even calling me beautiful on my fat days. 

For all the times that I am too self absorbed in my faults,
and you show me how perfect God made me for you; 

For all the times I beat myself up, you just hold me and let me rant; 

For all the times I mess up when I didn't listen to you and you refrain from saying "I told you so.";

For all the moments I have been blessed to spend with you, all the love you have been showing me;

I want to say thank you.

I want you to know that I love you.
And that I thank God everyday that He chose to send someone as wonderful as you into my life.
I want to promise you that I will not love you for the rest of your life,
because I am not sure if I will always be there.
I do promise you that I will love you for the rest of mine.
Thank you dear  Lord, I am eternally grateful for this miracle in my life
that you blessed me to live with everyday. 

Valentine's Trivia

Too independent???

"I don't need you in my life. I do not need you to buy me clothes, I can do that for myself. I can afford the house I live in, I can buy the car of my dreams, I am financially independent, I am spiritually whole, I am smart, talented and going places. I don't need you in my life. I choose to have you in my life. I want you in my life, I am good at being independent, but I want to try interdependence. Independence with a mix of dependence with you, and I don't see that there is anything wrong with that. I am fine by myself but I choose to be with you. "

This another random stream of thoughts from another more random discussion which made me come up  with the above quote. As women we have become very independent - some would argue too independent.  Like we have gone from one extreme to another, from overly dependent to too much independence that we stifle a man. Nowadays a standing apparatus that defies gravity is not enough to snag a good woman,  there are many requirements, we want to know the past, what are the plans for the future.

Generally, there are so many rules right now governing relationships..." Like don't stay because you think it will get better, or the only person you can control in a relationship is you; maintain boundaries in how a man treats you; never let a man know everything about you, he will use it against you later; never make him feel that he is more important than you even if he has a better education or in a better job; don't make him into a quasi-god, never let a man define who you are; compromise is a two way street;  take care of your own hearts... and the big one is: DON'T SETTLE"

It is amazing that the pursuit of happiness has become so much difficult, it is impossible to determine what makes us happy in the first place, let alone start searching for it. As women, we have raised the bar and the standards very high that we have become very calculating and pre-mediated in most of our actions. As humans we cannot deny our intimate nature to be social, the need for other human beings, family, friends, colleagues, haters - name it. Women are too independent, men are too lazy, the battle of the sexes will always continue. The key part will always be to stick with the consequences of whatever decision that we make. If we remain single well and good - and the consequences. If we are in a  relationship well and good - and the consequences.  If we are married well and good - and the consequences.

It reminds me of this make-believe scene where in a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the the question: "What kind of man are you looking for?"

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking, "Do you really want to know?"
Reluctantly, he said "Yes." She began to expound..."as a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man. I am in the position to ask, what can you bring to the table?"

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.

She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life. "

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain. She replied: "I am looking for someone who is:
1. Striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple minded man. 
2. Striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked; believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. 
3. Striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. 
4. Sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. 
5. Someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy. 
God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself."

When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face.

He said, "You're asking a lot." She replied, "I'm worth a lot."

Is she too independent???

Perfect Crime

Wouldn't it be a perfect crime, if I stole your heart and you stole mine?
Better yet what if we planned this properly so the operations will go smoothly,
we will discuss all the hitches and plan for any emergencies..
In our perfect crime I will go undercover and learn everything about you,
so I can uncover all the tools necessary for me to gain access to your mind,
which will help me make connections and infiltrate all your fears, any old skeletons,
any failed dreams, any smile cloaked in despair, any resistance my presence will meet,
As I enter the dark crevices and meet all your phobias, I will advance with care,
so as not to create any permanent damage while I wipe all of them clear.

I want to advance slowly through your thoughts, swimming in them from breaststroke
to backstroke, until i can tread slowly and earn your respect, your faith,
I want to have a blue print of all the places I have encountered, so that I can safely
come back when the time is right for us to indulge in passion with fire burning in
our skin, blood flowing through our veins and adrenalin thumping in every terrain,
this has to be a perfect crime because if we get caught there is no escape,
no steel bars can equate the magnitude of heartbreak and anger, no sentence will
ever suffice if anything goes wrong, it has to be right, I was meant for you and
were meant for me, you the yin and me the yang, we shall forever remain strong.

The heist has to go smoothly, and we have to work together against any external
influences bent on turning us against one another, against our happiness,
trust - that when you jump I will always be there to catch you or break your fall,
Did I tell you about that one time when we were together, and I was basking
in your aura, and your presence, enthralled by your beauty as you slept peacefully
against my chest, your soft warm breath making my nerve ends stand and you
whispered in an undertone that you love me and you want to always be with me,
captivated by your admission i was spell bound by the number of times your heart
beat softly in each minute, your breast heaving slowly with each breath, contentment
and peace in your face, and your body hugging mine tightly in a warm embrace.

I knew the time was right, no matter the number bounty hunters disguised as well
wishers who are trying to separate you from me, no matter everyone who is telling
me that you are not good for me, I am ready. After all the preparations, after the
incessant studying, after all the missed trials, I can't cover all the weak points because
that's what makes me want to protect you all time, but I will disguise them so they appear
whole to other naked eyes, I know the lay of your body because its imprinted in my mind,
each crevice, each landmark, each hole, each pattern unique and wholly mine,
I have a blue print of your heart, you handed it to me for safe keeping, and I will
store it not in a safe where you need numbers for a combination, but I will combine
the number of times I am grateful for your faith my heart will store yours,
ask anyone, it doesn't matter how how thin your escape is, as long as we can get
away together winning is winning, so the punishment for this perfect crime is
to forever be locked away together, in wedlock, to endure till the end of time.