HBD to moi

It was one of those birthdays, totally excited about it yet nothing much happened.

Special people, with special wishes wished me happy birthday, Thank you Missie Popular for a special post and you can view it here, in her amazing blog. She named it a happy birthday  for one amazing lady.

Hubby was extremely sweet and spoiled me, birthday wishes and testaments that made me all teary and awww mood for the whole day. I have never been happier in a birthday than this 27th celebration of my years on planet earth.

Alhamdulilah, I am blessed to have such amazing people in my life and I thank you for making my day special. 

Ijumaa Kareem

#Real Talk

1. If you are single and you keep on saying, "I don't trust men or women" remember...your mates are getting married every Saturday. Let me ask you, are they marrying spirits? #Wise Up.

2. If you are married and you keep saying, "I hate this marriage", Ok! Is it not married people like you that are celebrating Gold, Silver and even Platinum jubilee? #Make it better. 

3. If you are in a relationship and keep on ranting, "I'm leaving my man, he cheated on me!" Please, go to town and see all the fine, cute, sexy, hot, hungry and desperate chicks waiting to snatch your man's money and property; they don't even mind sharing. #Work it out. 

4. Stop saying "I hate my job!" Look, 20 million people are jobless and can't even find any jobs, let alone talk of keeping it. Do you want to join them? #Stop whining. 

5. You keep saying, "I hate where I live!" Oh please  *tears*, try visiting these locations that are flooding now, people are living in tin/zinc shacks in winter of people living/sleeping under the bridge at night. You better be grateful to God that you even have a place to stay. #Be grateful.

6. When someone says "I am tired of this life!" Well, go to the hospital and see people fighing for their lives! Better yet, go to the mortuary and take a look and then tell me what you feel after that! #Life is good.

In short always be positive. If you can't, believe that God will make it better, and that's all that matters. #keep the faith. 

Sweet Tyranny

I'm a girl that's addicted to pain, 

each time it gets better I make it worse again, 

All I want is for you to love me, 

and you find joy in hurting me. 

When you walk in, my lungs forget to breathe, 
as a result, my breaking heart puts you at ease, 
I am always falling in darkness where I call home, 
because with you it's all I've ever known. 


You walk away when you don't need me, 
You know I'll always be here, waiting, 
My family tells me to date someone else, 
They don't see that only with you, I can be myself. 


I see you with her and I turn my head, 
It's how you got me, so I can't be mad, 
I will never dare fall for another, 
 when you are loving, you are the best lover.


I'm addicted to the love that you serve, 
I believe you when you tell me, it's all I deserve, 
You are the reason why I live, 
for whom my heart, body and soul I'll give.


Sometimes I wish you were in my shoes, 
So you could understand the hell I go through, 
You are my could've been, should've been, 
but never was, so you are my sweet tyranny. 

Old Love

Most people I know are looking for love. The lucky ones have already found it and are looking for ways to keep it safe.  As they love is just a four letter word until someone comes along and gives it meaning. We all want that perfect love, better than any love story that we have ever read. Love is so dynamic, no one really knows how love feels because its different with each person; but there are so many manuals out there which tells you how its supposed to feel, sometimes I wonder what if they are wrong? I want old love. 

I love new love, don't get me wrong. When you hear a song and only his name comes to mind? Or when you meet The Guy who helps you let go of the pain? Or when you cannot stop texting each other and you tend to know exactly what goes on in each others minds? Better yet when you can finish each others sentences. Or  you cannot quiet the butterflies in your stomach at the mere contact of skins - even if it was just a brush of hands. You start imagining in intricate detail the first time that you kiss, and when it finally happens its always better than what you could ever hope for.  New love is exciting with a tinge of adrenalin rush.

I think Love is a journey of two people travelling together, they may take different routes but they are headed in the same destination. Friends could travel together and on the way they cross the threshold into love. One cannot quite remember how it came to be, yet the process is ever changing if you can stay together. The love emerges. The love  grows, the love strengthens. It takes real strength of character to fall in love with the same person everyday. To make love to the same person everyday. To believe in the same person everyday. To grow with the same person. To build with the same person. To fight with the same person everyday. To have a family with the same person. To annoy the same person. It takes real strength.  Love is an act of forgiveness, a tender look that becomes a habit. 

The beauty of old love is that it requires no explanation, and there are boundless surprises if you can sit and walk through memory lane. Old love is more free, when you have been with someone for that long, through that many things, created lives, and live life more carefree. You have seen old people together, the rituals, one cannot eat without the other present, they don't really care how embarrassing they are, they have this infinite love and joy each time they gaze at their grandchildren, old love is stubborn as hell, it may even take up new ventures, old love does not judge, old love is golden.

That's why I have set my heights on old love. I want to create old love with my partner. I love watching my parents and his parents. With thirty years worth of memories and as mum say the love is only 5 years. The rest is mazoea. They always remind us that it wasn't always good, they didn't amount to all those years because they left when things weren't going well. They tell me you have to fight for old love. They fought hard for the exclusive rights to be so silly and to be right down embarrassing as they are now. To boast about how much they have been through. To be at ease. To know each other so intimately. To have the silent conversations in a crowd. To know each other's opinions in different matters. To let each other grow. To fall apart so they can appreciate when it gets better. They have earned their love, they have paid their dues, and they are the sages who are trying to show us the ropes. 

So my dear, here is my vow to you: 

Fire and Rain

I wish my sister was my best friend. I don't know what has inspired this sudden urge to come clean about my relationship with my sister. Maybe I am going to die soon or something, just kidding hopefully, it's more because I miss her. I feel like I have been an only child for so long and its not the case. I have always been jealous of people who get along with their siblings, because I am not that lucky. 

Sometimes when I am having one of those honest one on one conversations with myself, I try so hard to make sense of the mess that is our relationship, I don't quite know how to place the blame, or understand the reasons. Is it because we were brought up by a grandmother who had 10 other kids to look after that we never got close as kids? Or is it because we were brought up to be competitive, repeatedly compared to one another in everything? Was it because she was always such a daddy's princess and I was such a rebel? Or was it because she went away, and with the distance and growing up, we couldn't quite breach the gap?

Me, who finds it so easy to pour my heart out on paper, and craft rhymes and rhythms cannot find the right words to explain why my sister and I are like fire and rain. When one is dominant, the other has to depart. I have so many best friends, I have been told countless of times that I am such a great friend, patient, understanding, loving, caring, sweet, thoughtful, confident, considerate - yet why can I not be all that to my sister? The weird part is that all my good friends know the deteriorating nature of my relationship with her, and they havent done anything about it thus far to help.  She is a lost cause they tell me, and to just let it go.

Yet mum is always on my case, reasoning with me on why don't I use the same psychology I use on everyone else with her - my only sister. She says she will die a very happy woman if the two of us could just get along. Heck, there are just the two of us, her extra pair of eyes as she lovingly calls us, why do we insist in making her one eyed? Always making her having to pick sides? She was hoping that we would have outgrown out childish ways, and yet we are still frenemies to this day. 

I am not writing to glorify my decaying relationship, but its time to be more to be honest. To acknowledge the way things are so maybe I can try to change them. Sometimes when in writing it feels more real, because I want to make a promise to myself to make it better and I have appointed you to be my witness. You may know what its like, to have that person in your family that you know you supposed to get along, it would be great if you could - but you just can't. For some people its the father, the mother, the sister, the brother, the aunts, the cousins - we all have some sort of skeletons in our closets and I am just cleaning out mine. 

I am sorry my dear sister that we have not been the kind of supporting of each other. I am sorry that I value my friends more than you. I am sorry that we don't always see eye to eye and refuse to reach some sort agreement about almost anything. You always say I am daddy's favourite, well you are mom's favourite, can we just both live with that? You are one of strongest people I know, so I am sorry that I misread your patience as weakness. You are always positive, always full of hope and faith, you are definitely the saint and I, the devil. 

I want us to try and put our differences aside. I may be the fire and you are the rain, can you drizzle gently and I promise to only smolder brightly so we can live together side by side. 

A Gold Box

Touch The Sun

As I held the sun in my hands, I heard the sea whisper that anything was possible. Life is how I imagine it and I shouldn't believe otherwise. I felt a deep sense of understanding and renewal - that I counted and I mattered. I now realise that even though I cannot always feel the value of my words, it does not diminish their worth. So I held the sun in my hands, felt at peace in the vast universe. 

Know-How and Know-Who

Alfred took breathed in the fresh morning air. Confidence, New start, and Life all mingled in the morning dew as he inserted his keys into his car for a drive to his new job. He felt exhilarated in the freedom of toiling with his degree, he had earned his first class honors - and now real life awaited with a promise. Everything seemed to in a hush, watching his every move, trying to anticipate his reaction. He could not forget the look of utter pride framing her mother's face as he graduated. Today, after countless job interviews, weighing the different options, research and soul search, he was finally on his was to becoming his own person. He will no longer need money from home or from his twin brother to help him. 

His twin brother Alvin. His thoughts momentarily clouded as he thought of his brother Alvin who had never been serious about anything in his life. He was too reckless, partied too much, and did not see the importance of good CV, of good grades - yet he was everyone's favourite. Alfred knew that no matter how hard he tried, Alvin always seemed to have a trick in how to best him and take his moments of glory. When he was honest with himself he knew that even though he was always better than his brother in everything, he was jealous of the way things always seem to favour him. Enough of Alvin, this was his moment, his day, his life. 

Alfred had counted on beating the morning traffic and be at his workstation at least one hour early. He was set on making the best impression. The company that hired him are known for being the best in the field of marketing, only a handful of his colleagues even got a call back after their application. He was the sole candidate in his class who got the job. Indeed the last man standing. 

The traffic ahead moved lazily, and his thoughts once again meandered to his university days he left behind. He was a good student, always did the required work, stayed up to date, knew what the teacher was talking about at all times. He was good looking and had no problem getting dates but he had a future to think about so he didn't waste his time much in frolicking with the opposite sex, although there were a few discreet flings under his belt that very few knew about. Ah good times. Finally the traffic moves and he heads into the small street where the tall office building coldly greeted him. Feeling warm all over, he parked his car cheerfully and walked in.

Having gotten acquainted with a few new people, Alfred heard a too familiar voice and his insides churned. It couldn't be! This had to be a nightmare that he will wake up from if he pinched himself.
"why, hello there big bro" the voice drawled.
turning slowly with disbelief written all over his face Alfred turned to his brother,
"hiya back, bro" and hugged him
"aha, so this is the big place you have been talking incessantly about all summer, funny running into you here, so this the new leash..." Alvin
"well yes, so what brings you by?" Alfred asked,
"why, its my first day at work also bro," Alvin replied coolly,
"you cannot be serious!!! How did you ever pass the interview? Not to mention the qualifications? Alfred asked in an undertone,
"ah well, you have the know how, what with your books, degree, and all. Well I happen to have a bigger weapon, I have the know who. I go way back with son of the owner of this place, so he called in a favor for me, and well here we are. "

Alfred stood there dumbstruck. He honestly wanted to punch his brother who was standing in-front of him smiling like an idiot. Know-Who indeed. This was the straw, it was not fair, how could they be equal? The probability of his brother Alvin getting promoted before him were pretty high - so this is what his hard work ended into? He was the best at what he did, only to be bested by someone who knew the owners. Had he always had it wrong? He started wondering? He could almost hear his brother pressurizing him to socialize, to party, to meet people, to build a network but he had always refused, believing that solely on his hard-work to take him places. A-far-way voice jerked him to the present,
"you okay bro?" a concerned Alvin asked him,
"yeah, I am fine" Alfred lied,
"Are you sure? Because they just called out your name and they said that you will be the group leader of this group, and I didn't see that self-satisfied smirk on your face." Alvin teased,
Alfred gave him a don't-you-start-with-me-now look and quickly walked to his new office, shook hands with the boss and in the midst of all the confusion started his first day at work.

Ever Wondered...

Ever wondered how the sun knows where to rise and where to set?
Ever wondered how the night sky is always glittery dark?
Ever wondered how the waves always kiss the shoreline?
Ever wondered how the sky stays up, without pillars?
Ever wondered how the birds always get food?
Ever wondered how the seeds always know what to grow into?
Ever wondered how the sperm and egg become a person?
Ever wondered how the heart runs your whole body?
Ever wondered how the tears taste salty?
Ever wondered how lungs know which inhaled air to store?
Ever wondered how you know the things you know?
Ever wondered how a new born baby knows to suck mammas breasts and not blow?
Ever wondered how marvelous this world is full of miracles?
Ever wondered how the magnificent butterfly stems from a caterpillar?

Pic for the Mind

Why Haven't You Had A Baby Yet?

I am becoming increasingly irked by this conversation

Random idiot: Hi
Me: Hi
Random idiot: Its been a while how are you?? Oh my God you are soo fat!!!
Me: Thank you, I work at it. (Inwardly: Dear God, please stop me from shooting this idiot!!)
*smiling*,  how are you and hows the family??
Random idiot: They are good, owh so you are married now?
Me: Yes
Random idiot: So how are the little ones?
Me: I don't have any little ones.
Random idiot: OMG, yaani kumbe you are just this fat??? You should join the gym.
Why haven't you had a baby yet?? Stop being lazy and give that man some...
Me: (Remember: it's still illegal to kill them) Thank you and goodbye.
(Walk away. Quickly. Don't turn back. and NO, don't throw that stone. Just smile and wave.)

I start walking away feeling conscious. Feeling fat, irritated, reminded of how I still don't fit in and no matter what I do, I will always stand out. I start missing those days and start wishing that I was as thin as when I thought I was fat. Because no matter how irritating and common that conversation is, I have to face it: its true. I can barely fit into anything in my wardrobe, and yes I don't have kids yet. So I start getting into depressed mode and mentally hating myself all the way to wherever I am going.

Then an external stimuli engulfs me and reminds me that its okay. Normally that reminder comes in the shape of my husband, mother or some close friend. Then depression shifts into anger. I remember how I see this scenario everywhere and I have been receiving it in different forms. It used to be: You are such a tomboy which normally got me labeled as a slut. Then it was you are so non-Muslim like which apparantly stamped my ticket with "straight-to-hell". Then it was you are so wild, which got me labeled as you will never get married. When I got married, they asked questions like what's wrong with the man who married you??? When they saw him, it turned into how could a man like that ever be interested in a woman like you??? Now it is, you have been married for more than a year, why don't you have kids yet, what is wrong with you? he is soo marrying another wife.

I am sure you have been there before if are still reading this. The judgmental conversations and questions coming from seemingly well-meaning people. Why aren't you married? When will you settle down? Why are you dating that guy/girl? What is wrong with you? How much do you make? Why do you drive such a shitty car? You are such an embarassement. Why haven't you lost weight? you've become so dark. The list is endless.

In short its pretty exhausting. The petty bypassing comments. People feeling free to point fingers as if their hands are clean. You might be wondering why I even get so enraged, that I should be used to it by now. Its like that swahili saying that goes "nina roho sina jiwe mengine nipunguziwe." - meaning I have a heart not a stone so reduce some things for me. This is the five hundred and ninety eight thousand times of unwanted barrage of thoughts flown my way. I can only take so much. This is one of the few places I can rant, and well, you are listening to me, and who knows maybe even feeling a little sympathetic. Honestly, I may not be able to say this to your face, but thank you. so much.

So let me answer this one: why haven't I had a baby yet and that bothers you;

Please do this: make me have one if you can.

Because of I tried to explain the reasons to your abnormally small brain, I wonder if you will even understand. 

Definitions.

I Dare You...

I dare you to...

...wear no makeup for the whole day...
...eat the food that you are craving...
...tell a bitch/sun of a gun how you really feel...
...laugh hysterically and not worry if your face looks stupid...
....run across somewhere and watch the people think about how crazy you are...
...cry, smile, scream and just let it all out...
...question the rules if you can't break them...
...speak your mind...
for one day, I dare you to be 100% you...

Pic for the Day

If only

If only the cake went straight to my boobs.

If stress burned calories I would be a supermodel.

If only closed minds came with closed mouths.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them.

The Traffic Jam of Life

"The hardest part of a marriage is between your 40's and 50's.
I call it the traffic jam of life. You are going through menopause, your husband is going through a mid-life crisis, if you got kids they actin like they aint got no sense, meanwhile your parents are getting sick, his parents are getting sick. You trying to take care of them, hunnie, thats enough to break your marriage apart but you got to talk things out."

-Madea.

Losing focus...

The lens on which I am viewing my world are blurred, out of focus.
Everything just seems so hopeless.
Someone please tell me what is the point, of living when we all die in the end.
What is the point of chasing the wind if we never catch it?
What is the purpose of everything that is going if I can't decipher the lessons?
I have compartmentalized every thought, every feeling,
but the walls I have built cannot hold the pressure of the impending breakdown,
the dam I constructed cannot hold the force of the salty water threatening to cut lose,
the facade I have put up will not be able to hold in place should you just;
honestly care about how I am feeling....and quietly feel my pain with me...so you can ease it.
Don't you know that this smile is what is holding the tears in check?
My lens are blurred. loosing focus. and where I am heading there is no turning back. 

Which hurts more?

Which hurts more?

When you try your best but you don't succeed or when you get what you want not what you need?
When you feel so tired but you cannot sleep or when you try to stay up but you falling asleep?
Thinking that you should hate him or knowing that you don't?
or realising that he was everything to you and you meant nothing to him?

Which hurts more?

Being disappointed by the single person that you never thought would hurt you
or finally realising that on the list of everyone that you take care of you are not there yourself?
Losing what you had or knowing that the other person is not fighting to keep it?
The moment when everything is falling apart or pretending to smile through it all?

I can't figure out which hurts more, you leaving me or the thought that I wasn't good enough for you.
What hurt more was being close to you then watching you walk away.
What hurt more was that you ripped my heart into little pieces and you didn't even notice.
I still wouldn't let anything hurt you because you are my world,
and whatever hurts you, hurts me more. 

Wonder why i have trouble writing...???

lately its because of this: 

Death is a Way of Life.

It has been a while since the last time I posted something. So much has been happening simultaneously that I have had no time in the moments to write. I doubt that I have even fully felt the full weight of what has been going on. I feel like I am watching my life pass by, not full in it, yet not quite out of it. Numb.

A wedding. A death of a grandfather. A death of a grandmother. A possibility of a new life. A break up of friendship. A rift in the family. A gathering of in-laws.  All in the same few weeks.

A Lost Writer...couldn't find the places in my heart for all the emotions. For all the anger. For all the sadness. For all the hurt. For all the joy. For all the love. For all the mix-up.

So I tell myself that death is a way of life. Death is a reminder to live every day, every hour, every minute, every second. Death reminds us all is not lost. When something gets taken away - something else is put in our hands. Death is a reminder to be grateful. Death is a reminder that life is short, but its beautiful if lived to the fullest.

Death is a way of life. 

What Happened to All the Nice Guys?

I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I'd take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there who haven't figured it out.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given his behaviour was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends". Besides he totally wasn't your type. I mean he was a little too short, or too bold, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be  or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you weren't dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realised that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good long-term relationship. So, now, you are single again and after having tried the bar scene for several months, having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating in kind with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realise, one day that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open for them; or make dinners just because; or buy you that Christmas gift that you really wanted and mentioned it in passing five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realise that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of his is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realise that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

1) Build a time machine.
2) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab hold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've fucked yourself over. You're getting older after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't fucking want you, now.

Sincerely,

A Recovering Nice Guy.


***Read this fine print: this piece is not my writing and it touched a nerve. I thought it ideal to re-post it. 

Silence

"Sometimes my silence is my loudest cry."