Hope

As long as you have days above the ground there is still some hope for you. 

No matter how hopeless your situation is, it will eventually change.

But you have to keep the mindset. 

You have to rekindle hope so that it can rage into a burning fire 

and Hope will consume all your doubts, worries, uncertainty and fear.

Hope. Faith. Believe. 

The D Word.

Divorced.

The dreaded D word. 

How did this happen? As she sits crying and going through every detail of what happened until she is in this position, crouched on the floor. Crying. Hurting. It has been bad for a while. They were always fighting. It was one thing after another. She felt that the love had changed. He did not respect her. He cheated on her repeatedly. Every time she touched his phone, she ended up crying. The kids were like hers alone, he didn't want to deal with it. The in-laws, that is another constant raging war. It was like the only time she caught a break was to go off and cry alone. Be in her own feelings and then she makes up the perfect retort that she cannot hold back so the fighting starts again. 

He feels suffocated with the constant nagging and questions. He cannot use his phone in peace without accusations that he is chasing hoes. She is so absorbed in the kids and he doesn't know who she is any more other than a home maker and a mother. The woman has not only gained weight but has been lost completely. After a long day at work, it gets even more draining thinking of going home and he couldn't take it anymore. She never listened. 

They were always fighting and each person could not compromise and each one didn't want to change. Each blamed the other for the state of things. its not that they loved each other less, but love left a bitter taste in the mouth. It suddenly seemed clear that there is no other way around it...the only way to get out of the black hole that sucked everything into it....was to stop wondering about what went wrong and how to make it better but rather to leave the broken pieces on the floor and move on. 

He filed for a divorce. 

She felt shattered. 

Its scary sometimes because you just don't know what its about. Is it learning how to love or learning how to fly again? How do they figure out the next steps? Perhaps its  just to understand how to survive the fall.  

Pain

We continue to hurt one another and ruining each other. Being together hurts a lot while being apart will hurt even more. Perhaps I will never find another man to love me like you do but you will never find another woman to understand you like I do. So why are ripping our souls apart when the answer is so simple. Why this excruciating pain by being together...yet we are a million miles apart.

Can you not hear the echo of my screams through my silence? Through the words I say everyday? Through the tears running down my face? Through the smile on my face that you have not seen- in how long? Do you remember? Are you aware?

I am tired of masking all my pain to please you. To make love to you. To keep your home inviting and warm. To keep remembering the good times...that are fast becoming the only place I can exist happily. Why do you lie to me in my face? Look me straight in the eyes...and tell your lies. I know you are lying, deep inside my gut but I do not have the proof..yet. So I do my best to believe you. To believe in your words even though your actions speak differently. You take me for a fool. Just because you feel that you won this round because of lack of proof, you walk away on a high feeling indestructible.

Nothing we feel entitled to ever comes to us in sufficient abundance to make us happy. Happiness is a feeling of being blessed. As I choose to be happy in the face of everything, I am happy that God is trusting me this much to deal with the enormity and the profound hurt that is allowing me to see cracks in my soul. The pain, having felt it, I redirect it now to nourish and care for my withering heart. The pain is helping my journey inward. The pain is making me question many choices. If I can be wrong about you, what else could I wrong about.

I am choosing to feel the pain and get above it so that it will not continually pull me in depths of despair. Me believing the lies you tell me doesn't make me a fool. I judge you on my own value system, and I mean what I say. I expect the same from you. Love should not hurt this much. Love should not make me lose sleep. Love should not be leaving me here questioning whether or not I truly matter. I do not need that kind of love.

I only want the love that hurts when you plunge in deep into the deep creases of my woman hood, the kind of pain that feels so good, like a climax; will kill you kinda good if you stop. I want a love so deep it pushes me to fly even higher than what I believe I can become. I need a love that prompts me to work out, because being healthy is sexy...and flexible and you can then be able to put me in any imagined position you want. I want great loving, sweet and seductive, like I will drop everything in the world without you having to ask. Because I know it is reciprocated. Because I know you love me on the same bandwidth...that it hurts to not be where you are. That is the pain that is welcomed in my life.      

Why Should I be home Early?

The concept of what  consists as family time seems to differ a lot for men and women.

Whereas the woman as the mother, wife/girlfriend homemaker is expected to give everything and then some. In some cultures men spending time with their woman is considered a weakness. It is seen that he is not manly, that he should have better things to do than be home with his one woman.

This ideology is perpetuated by both men and women. The men obviously get what they desire and as women we seem to not be able to rise our boys to be better boys than their fathers. We inflict the same pain our husbands gave to us onto someone else's child.

This has got to change. It needs to start with me and you. The priority has to be family. What kind of tiny humans we are molding to take over the earth and humanity. Nowadays the value of relationships is determined by the number of likes, texting, sexting, valuing the display of who someone pretends to be rather than the participation of watching someone grow, children's playtime has been replaced with gadgets and the internet, and the human connection is fast being deemed obsolete, whilst depression and broken homes and families are on the rise.

That is why you should be home early. You have to be there to show your daughters what a real man should be like and your sons to learn early how to treat a woman. We have no idea of the power of comprehension on children. How much are you hurting your own in your search for money and a better life that you have no time to actually have a life with them? They cannot tell you how much they need you, they try to show you by jumping you and wanting as much time with you as possible, however your constant refusals and being home so late, they are getting used to your absence. So when I tell you to be home early, its for your children. They do not know how to tell you why they need you around and I am their voice.

Me? Your partner who is riding and dying for you? Supporting you? Loving you? Being your cheerleader? Holding you up? You are asking me why you should be home early darling? Honey, if the street's allure is more inviting than the warm loving I am serving, then stay where you feel the ache in your soul is being stroked. Let the streets love you. Let the streets and its fleeting connections engulf you. My loving is too deep to not be revered. You do not have to be home early. But do not come to me one day and ask me why that food is not warm when you are here.. Why the smile and welcoming arms are tightly holding onto myself, I will not wait around to watch you desecrate everything we have build...I don't have to tell you that.

Valentines Scribbles

Valentines is here today. Everyone has complete specifications on what they need to get in order to get the proof that they are loved.

There are levels to this...I don't want one day of undying declaration of love, I want small actions of consistency to prove the words that you say are true.

So love yourself, love your partner, love the family, spread love. Positive vibes only. 

The Journey

On my journey of self discovery and self love, I have met many companions, travelers, lost souls and
many types of people on different roads heading to the same destination...eventually the grave. As with any journey there are those who will help you and those who will hinder and I am still looking for ways learn from both. To be grateful to have both.

On this journey with myself I continually look for ways to love myself. To listen to myself. To heal myself. To put myself first. To validate my feeling. To be aware of the kinds of vibrations of energy that my body picks. To be true to myself. To be kind to myself and not always hurt myself's feelings. To nurture myself. To be more patient with myself as I stumble and fall and learn to pick myself up. To believe in myself. To be myself's biggest cheer leader. To take care of my health, mental, emotional and physical. I want to continually be busy to find ways to love myself as I am my longest commitment.

I have had to learn a number of new habits and unlearn many old ones. I now have to look at myself to provide to me what I need before I look onto others to do the same. I can't be broken inside and wait for someone to heal me - they do not understand where it hurts. I have to understand myself first before the feeling of being misunderstood crashes me. I have to be kind to myself and forgive me for all the ways I have been hurting me and allowing others to add to the pain.

Some people will always look for ways and reasons to bring you down. Others will always lift you up. But when you remain standing, that's what shows your true strength

All writers are sad...

Someone questioned me, are all writers sad? 

Why I asked? 

The answer came is that there is so much more writing on sadness, on emptiness, on heartbreak, on betrayal and everyone can relate. Why don't you write about happiness?

With a smile on my face I replied, not all writers are sad, but sad girls write more. 

There is plenty being written about happiness, how it feels, the stuff that love is made of...but sadness overwhelms. Happiness is self-explanatory. Its like a confident child laughing with abandon and bubbling with infectious good energy that you can't help yourself but smile. It is a beautiful poetry and every sense of our existence can feel it...its like the heart beating and pumping blood and oxygen... we may not be aware of the intricacies of the how...but we do know that if it stops...then life as we know it can be over.

Sadness on the other side...is much more difficult to notice, you could be feeling it and not be aware of it until happiness knocks loudly. We have been taught that feeling sad is wrong...therefore we have learned from a young age to mask the emotion...sometimes we get so good we can even hid it from ourselves. 

Is this why you disappear on your own blog...because you are happy?

Sometimes...but mostly no. Life catches up. Responsibilities increase. Sometimes I am not good at putting into words everything that is going on...other times I have so much going on...a few minutes of self expression feels too much. Wherein lies my biggest problem...I worry and love about others so much more than my own needs. This has always been a space for me to figure out my feelings or to help others feeling the same. Not all the stories are my own...some are borrowed from others struggles and triumphs. But I do promise to stay a little longer this time...to try a little harder...

Are you sad now then?

The beguiling smile on my face is your answer.