Kindness is not Weakness

They mistake my craving to understand people.
They do not realise how well I know the feeling of being misunderstood.
The laugh at my walking through the fire to save the people burning me.
They do not see that I have too many burns festering deep inside.
They get annoyed that I constantly check to see if they are okay,
They do no comprehend that I know too well the achiness of no one bothering.
They confuse my kindness for weakness, they take me for a fool.
Eventually they will realise that everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Be kind, in the end its all that matters.

I don't need Resolutions...

As usual with a dawn of the New Year, everyone is busy writing or mentally listing their New Year's Resolutions...and the race is on for how fast they will be forgotten, and life to go back to the usual rut. This year...milestones pre-determined by time that I will have to cross, but hoping this will be a year of gratitude, of self reflection, of love, and rekindling my sense of being, of appreciation of my boundless blessings. One day at a time, I will look at my old life through new lenses, find more things and people to love...turn 30 and face each day with a firm belief that better things are coming.  

Happy New Year

A new start, a new year. While reflecting on a year gone by and hopeful of what the new one will bring...with so many things to look forward to, hoping I will be fully present this year to live in all its glory.

Marriage is...complicated

Such high expectations are a normal resultant of a whirlwind romance. Love resulting in marriage seems to be a common reality - and the ultimate goal. Finally, its legal and you can be together forever (hopefully). If you are lucky the honeymoon phase can last up to a year...and then before you know it, the excitement of a new life, the coming together of a new family, different career goals, families, vacations....and when you do get the time to look back, everything has changed. 

How did you get to this part of marriage, nothing seemed to change and suddenly everything is different. The love, the thrill, the adrenaline rush, and even the person you wake up right next to is not the same...makes you wonder if you yourself has changed also. If according to the movies and friends status on Facebook, your life seems to be lacking all the glamour that is associated with happily married people (if there is such a thing).

Marriage like life is complicated. No two people journey's are the same. Its not really a competition, its not a charade or a  fairy tale. Marriage is work. It takes conscious effort to choose to stay in love with the same person everyday. It takes work to find joy in small things - the big thrills are just punctuation in the daily life and not a sustainable way to be. It takes work to raise a family and manage the finances. It takes work to grow, to bite hurtful retorts and fight fair. Its complicated -and it should be. 

Unplug...

Times indeed change.

I remember when I used to revel in being away from everyone, in discovering new places, in freedom from family, friends and the tiny claustrophobic place I call home. Every time I travelled, my sense of wonderment grew, I could not get enough and I hated going back to the place called home to face the familiar way of life as it has been for forever. 

Yet now, thousands of miles away from everyone, with everything I used to think I valued and all I want in my noisy, dusty, bustling claustrophobic place I call home. I miss everyone so much and so worried that I may lose touch that I find myself more plugged and more in sync now than when I was physically there. 

Loneliness surrounds me. 

The new place has lost its thrill. It is not all that I hoped it will be. It is much harder than I ever imagined it to be. To start afresh in a new place where everyone has everything figured out. All friends are formed, clicks and I am the odd one out. I realise I have changed. It took all this loneliness biting at me from all angles to realise that I am not the same person I used to be, and that is neither a good nor a bad thing. I am different. 

Challenging times ahead. 

Finding the balance between wallowing in loneliness and going out to meet new people who are not interested and feeling like you have to convince them that they should have you in their life is proving to be quite a struggle. Making new friends just for the sake of it feels like such a waste of time when you know once this specific time is over, meeting them again is going to be hard. My heart is divided in enough places across the world to do it anymore. Yet we are social creatures. But in the meantime I am going to just be focused on me. Being my own friend, talking to the voices in my head, and try to unplug from my constant conversations from home. 

Life moves on.

Family

Family is God's way of showing you that He's got you. Imagine at a day old, a mushy bundle of joy with no means of communicating and yet God provides you an angel that will understand you, hold you, care for you and love you. You come into this world already knowing all the important things about her, you know her voice, her scent and importantly her heartbeat - all from the inside of her. As you cringe your face and cry at the unfamiliar world, you eventually get to meet compilation of people who have something in common with you. You share the blood bond. There is the dad, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles and many others. You the new addition to the clan and already you belong. 

Yet how do we move from that moment into abandoning our families. Not talking to our cousins. Petty family drama that we allow to define our lives. We chose to let go of those who held us when we needed someone. Why do inherit the hate or misunderstandings of others and absorb them into us? Because suddenly we have our own family that we created for ourselves, our friends. While they are amazing and seem to love us and be there when no one will. Yet we are more willing to let them get away with hurting us more than we would ever let our family. We hold our family with a higher standard of conduct yet we easily hurt them, because we know what can they do? Ostracise us? 

Being so far away, I seem to see everything clearly and differently. My mother was right, we should try and make friends out of our family, it deepens and strengthens the bond. To be in a place where you can make as many friends as you want yet have no one to call your own, is a foreign feeling. I catch myself searching for my mother's face in a strangers face. The snoring of my husband from the next door neighbour I can hear through the wall. The laughter of my child in all children I meet. The bickering of my cousins in the carefree gossipy teenagers. Sometimes I feel so lost. The loneliness gets overwhelming when you have always been surrounded by loved ones, always a short walk or drive away. I have gained a deeper appreciation and understanding. I tend to gravitate towards the people who are in the same predicament and we find ourselves giving each other love that we miss.