What Love is This

Hurt me deep and expect me to turn my pain into poetry,
Take me for granted and expect me to treasure you,
Never look my way yet expect me to be in tune with your every emotion,
Love me selfishly and expect me to love you wholeheartedly.

Do my tears excite you? Does my sorrow enthrall you?
Why do you act like all you want is for me to be in perpetual anguish,
When was the last time you saw a smile on my face that reached my eyes?
Am I not a worthy woman in your eyes to deserve kindness?

How did we get here? We used to embody love in its entirety,
We used to be so intertwined in mind and body, in tune with each breath,
emotion, look, touch, caress...You were my everything.
You used to complete me, my every reason for existing.

Now, as I think of you, tears stream down my face at the last fight,
It's the only way we know how to communicate,
I silently sob into my pillow as you snore into yours,
I start to dissect every single thing that brought us to this point.

We seem to be in a stalemate, having the same fight over and over again,
Each of us unable to hear the other, each unwilling to give in,
Finally I drift into a fitful sleep haunted by graphic nightmares,
Reminding that its a lull in the storm, we will wake to hurt one another again.

Marriage is a Sport

I am new to marriage, having been married for only five years. However, the more I see married couples in my community the less I yearn for that long life lasting marriage because it just feels wrong. What has become accepted and become the norm hurts my heart when I think about it.

When has marriage been equated to riding and dying and sacrificing for a person who not only appreciate you but takes everything for granted?
When has marriage become a licence to men sleeping around and women staying put, turning a blind eye because we have been taught to believe all men are the same and it doesn't get any better?
When has marriage become equated to hiding faults and parading perfection that is a lie?
When has marriage become a charade in public and silent deep cries in the darkest chambers of our souls?
When did marriage become an empty promise?
When did it become okay to expect very little from marriage? To not expect happiness? To intrude in others marriage and be happy when others are in turmoil.

We have become scared to share our problems because we no longer have the compass to know who genuinely cares and who is just taking advantage and secretly rooting for us to fail. When the married couple scare the single people that marriage is no longer a sanctuary.

I am not looking for story book happy marriages or scripted movies telling me what marriage is. But shouldn't marriage be about respect? Openness? Togetherness? Being each others cheerleaders? Being patient during difficult times? Enjoying the happy times? Working, creating and building a life together? Isn't marriage companionship? Someone witnessing your life everyday in its mundane glory and to bear witness through it all? to be in tune? Are my views so old fashioned?

Why is it fashionable to accept that all marriages fail  and the ones that seem happy have just learnt to hide their problems well.. Marriage has become a horrible spectator sport. No sportsmanship. Full competition. Without the investment of grit and grime but everyone wanting the glory and trophy.

What do you like about motherhood?

Somebody asked me the question of what I like about motherhood and I couldn't find a clear answer straight away. She was shocked that I didn't know. I was amazed that my mind was blank. It took me time, days even till I could come up with a proper answer. That's when I realised that Motherhood to me has become like breathing, I am not even aware that I am doing it but its very essential to my being...and if i couldn't do it I would cease to exist...yet while doing it I pay no attention to the intricate mechanisms that I get into constantly.

The say a mother is born the day the child is born. It is essential to me and the tiny humans that I brought into this world to be the best mother I can be. Motherhood is hard, very hard, to give love and attention and tireless cleaning, endless questions, super soft touches, being needed, sleepless nights, and when you think you can't take anymore, you still have to dig deeper. I may not be a great mother all the time but I am doing the best I can and believe me I am willing to learn, I stress about it, I have sessions with my mom, my friends to agonise if I am doing it okay. 

I love everything about being a mother. Everything about being the sole person to hear my tiny humans way before they can talk. I love and appreciate how hard it is to be responsible in shaping the world view of the tiny humans before they can grow up enough to think that I know nothing. I like everything about it, when I don't like it.

Alone with People.

Isn't it amazing how you can be surrounded by so many people who make you feel more alone?
I think I will be happy to be alone. Not because I like it and want it, but what if you love and need someone and it fell apart? I may not make it, so its easier to be alone.

Because what if you learn to need love and you don't have it? What if you start depending on it, leaning on it, shape your life around it..and then it falls apart? Will you be able to survive that kind of pain?

So I am trying to learn to be comfortable to be alone, I may still have love in my life but nothing is guaranteed. What if it finished and ended suddenly? Who am I without the identity of mother and wife and homemaker? Am I really in touch with the inner me as much as people think that, I have my life all perfect and figured out.

But with life, I have changed and grown, sometimes for the better and other times for the worse, so why have I lost touch with my inner self? It is so easy to get lost in the years of being needed by the tiny humans that I forget to recharge. I have forgotten to prioritise me. I have forgotten me, At times I feel like a book that I want to read but never get around to opening.

The Newest Addition to The Family

World: Meet Baby Imaan who entered the world on 11th April 2015. 

My heart

All I want is to hold her forever in my arms and keep her safe from harm. I want her to be my little girl forever, so trusting, kind, generous, loud, opinionated and so many things that my parents say she is just like me in so many ways...yet I cannot seem to see that person in me anymore. 

As I continue to miss so many milestones from her life...she can talk now properly and she is so lively and such a go getter who loves to wear her new clothes...and i tell myself she can still recognise my voice when I talk to her on the phone...but all she does is quietly listen to my voice, rechecks the phone to see where I am...sometimes whisper mama and my heart breaks. Each single time. I left my heart behind. The slip of a girl who made me a woman enough to be a mother to her. I used to think I will never bear to leave her for long stretches of time...because being away from her for a day used to be torture and now it has been almost 400 days since I last felt her hug, her kiss, her running to me and wanting me and no body else...our talks that never made sense to anybody else, my constant companion, our little dates, I miss that. 

She has adjusted more...she is happy and is loved and surrounded by people who answer to her every single need...and I am grateful for that. There are moments I give in to my crazy and wonder what it would be like to hold you in my arms, will you know I am your mother, or will you pull the same stunt when you refused to breastfeed because I went away for work for two weeks and you were mad at me...and didn't want me...and now you still have at least 9 months until you see me again...I idly wonder if you will accept me...will you love me? Will you forgive me for leaving because I am sure you do not understand that I am doing all this for you. I have never known love like this before...my heart. Please don't stop beating, I am broken enough with you so far away.