More than 2,000 hits!!!! Thank You

Dear all, thank you very much!!!! Thank you for visiting my blog which is accurately named Senses of Me. All I talk about is how I feel and whatever subject matter is burning in my head at a given moment. And for all of you to take the time and read - I feel blessed. 

Life is measured in time, so time equals to life. So again merci beacoup for dedicating a portion of your magnificent lives to read about a segment of my mind wanderings and imagination!!!

How to say goodbye...

 I am trying to come to terms with the fact that you will soon leave me here to deal with everything by myself. You are my friend and my sanity, my reality check, my blank canvas where I can throw all my emotions, not necessarily paint a master piece but you will still treat it with care. You are leaving, of course you will be back (inshallah) and this long distance friendship that I have to try to do, that we have to make it work.

My selfless me wishes you the best, that I know you deserve this, and it has been long coming and you have worked so hard for this moment and I don't want to tarnish it with my selfish longings of what I wish for. I guess this is what they mean if you truly love someone you should help ground them and still allow for their wings to soar to the heights of their heart's desire. The former is much easier than the latter. 

Strong for too Long

Have you ever broken down??? In a middle of a conversation, or when you see someone truly happy,  or see happiness, so unrelated to how you feel, that simple pat on the shoulder, understanding eyes letting you know that its owkay and they wont judge you, or just a hug because they figured you needed it. What finally  takes you to the secret land of tears is accumulated anger, a burden too large for your small back, and when the tears gates open, there is no way of shutting them down. 

Personally, because through time I have become a master of masking my emotions and betraying how I truly feel to people who do not know me well enough, I know the signs when I am too close to that garden of misery watered by the cascading salty droplets from my eyes. I quickly bite my lips and make an excuse for a quick exit, so that I can be alone. alone to unwind, alone to give in to how i feel - finally un-numbing the weight of my pain so I can finally feel it. I like to do that alone. 

To some people they think its a sign of weakness that I cry. I beg to differ. I cry not because I am weak,  but because I have been strong for too long. Because I have been smiling through my misery so often, answering "I am fine" at every concerned friendly place. I feel that they will not understand and I have neither the desire nor the capacity to explain and justify my feelings. See that is the problem with very good friends sometimes, is that you can generally accurately read their reaction to whatever situation that you are going through. Sometimes you tell yourself that you don't need that, or at times the shoulder you need to cry on is carry a face that is glowing with happiness that its selfish for you to pop that bubble with your tale of misery. So you keep it inside you. 

In the end, all that matters is that if someone cares enough they will see beyond the facade that you put up. The front that all is well in paradise and really dig to the bottom of things. Finally when that happens, normally by then things are owkay, the emotional trauma is over and I get exhilarated by the fact that someone cared enough listen to the cries of my heart and stop believing in the smile plastered on my face. 

Dear God: Direct My Life

Dear God, 

I am not even worthy to ask You for anything but I need You now. 

Please hear my cry and have pity on me, 

I have sinned and I know that You are aware of that, 

I am struggling here and I can't seem to fight back.

I need your help so stay with me and make me remember You;

as You have been remembering me. 

I need your love and everlasting mercy, make me love You;

as You have been loving me....and...

I'll fight for You, with every energy within me

It's not easy living at this point of time, 

too much gossip, slandering, and a lot of crime. 

I'm so scared I'll commit many of them, 

Please God, save me from any of them . 

I know I am mischievous, I know I am stubborn, 

so give me reminders and I will learn my lesson. 

I am a bit confused and sometimes lost, 

Please guide me so I won't be at a loss. 

I may be playful and very naughty, 

but I know that You know 

my heart that beats inside me has complete faith in You. 

My love for You is truly strong. 

I'll fight for you, although I've done wrong. 

These errors I've committed are lesson I've learnt, 

I thank You Allah, dear God for all the reprimands.

I know I am not worthy but thank You for still loving me. 

My Pic of the Day

T.G.I.F

...after all...it is the start of the weekend...

...On Being Old...

I received this in my inbox and I felt the need to share. When an old woman was asked on how they feel being old...

"As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. 

Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play on the computer until 4AM or sleep till noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's and 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will. I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They too will get old.  

I know  I am sometimes forgetful, but there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But , broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect. I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. 

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've earned the right to be wrong.  

So to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it)."

H.A.T.E.R.S

I will not permit anyone to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate them. Yet I am amazed at the hate directed my way. I am amazed at the lengths people will go to bring misfortune to others. If people desired their fortune as bad as they desired the misfortune of others the world will be a much better place.  The rumours circulating, the trash talking, we can be family hating  on one another, women going at each other - they said its the survival of the fittest, not survival of the haters. I personally live by the following mantra : "if you I can say it behind your back then I will be able to say it to your face."  

This is what I want to say to all my haters, you are my motivation of how low I should never stoop, why I need to tread on and get where I want to be, even if just to throw it in your face and make you hate me more. I realise that I am a reflection of what you can  never be - that's why you hate. Once you hate someone everything they do seems to be offensive. I mean I greeted you with all due respect and all you can say is I wanted to throw it in your face how much better I have it. I wear the nice clothes I bought myself and you say I want to be flashy. I drive my small car and you wonder why I don't have a ragidity worn out car yet you drive a PRADO. I excel at my job and you only want to nail it done that I am "close" with the boss. So no matter what I do- you will always hate.  

So this is what to say to you my reader; people will hate you regardless.A hater's job is to hate so let them do their job. While you looking for you haters elsewhere they may be closer than you think, this is how you know them: every time you try to do something with your life they have to make fun of you. Announce a goal like you want to change your life around, vocalise your dream, fall in love - and you will clearly know all your haters. But then again you need to be grateful, you need haters.

Haters don't hate you they hate good things. They use to want good things, hope for good things and when good things didn't happen to them - they hate good things. They have fucked up lives and they look at you all successful like you made a messed up decision. So my advice to you is if you've got 16 people hating on you, you need to figure out how to make it to 20 before the year is over.

Wedding VS. Marriage

What is this disease that is plaguing our young women of Zanzibar? Why is the only main ambition they have is getting married before they reach 20??? Have you gone to Forodhani and see teenage girls and how they are acting? Have you gone to the schools and listen to what they talk about? Indeed this is an era whereby virginity is not dignity, it is just a lack of opportunity. It angers me to have a young girl who has barely finished form II or IV and they want to get married, to an older man or her sweetheart. If they marry within the same age gap the chances are the divorce will come through in six months or less. If they get married as second wives, the chances of staying married are a bit higher. 

As I contemplate about what makes them choose this road, I would like to conclude that most of them think that marriage and wedding are synonymous; or that a husband and a boyfriend are the same thing - and these two notions couldn't be more different. Ah! The beauty of puppy-love, of lying to parents to get a pretext to go out and meet that special guy for a few moments, both of you hungry for each-other, leave with a mistaken idea that is how it will always be. Thus basking in the euphoria of the honeymoon phase of the relationship, the youngsters decide that they want nothing more than to get married. 

Marriage is not a word- its a sentence. Living together with any person requires high degree of tolerance and patience, yet the children think they know all the answers, they are sure of their love, they don't want to listen to anyone else other than the sound of their own voices. The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality but must live with the character. The result is as you see it everywhere, single parents who are children themselves, newly divorced couples who are still madly in love with each other, divorced kids who are given free reign and they wreck havoc in other people's marriages. Someone should sit these kids down from the get-go and let them know that a marriage is not all the glitz and glamour that is depicted on the wedding day. The mundane reality of living together tests your love in more ways than you can imagine. When you have children, that bond gets tested even more. I feel helpless when I see kids who are soo keen to be grownup- they don't act their age, when you get here, you will see that it is not at all how you imagined it will be.

Yet, back in the bygone days when our parents got married, things were totally different. It was common for a 15 year old to get married. Parents arrange everything, and the girl may come back from school or from playing and get told that they are getting married the next day. The notion of love, drama and relationships did not exist back then as they do now - and marriages lasted for 30 or 50 years. It begs the question on why it hold to be true for marriages nowadays.One can argue that the situation is totally different, as a friend aptly summed it that we "live in an era where losing an iPhone has a huge impact in your life than losing your virginity".

I believe that what counts in making a happy marriage is not how compatible you are - but how you deal with incompatibility. Finally I want to add that all marriages are happy, its the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble. 

From A lazy Intellectual African Scum

This piece has stemmed from another piece that has been circulating alot today and you can view it here:

http://mindofmalaka.wordpress.com/2012/01/18/you-lazy-intellectual-african-scum/

and I put myself to task of answering a few difficult questions that are posed in this article...which I think anyone who wants radical changes for themselves and our countries, nations as a whole then we need to keep this article pinned somewhere the eyes can easily find...it offends, it hurts, it questions, it enrages and when you are done feeling all that eruptions inside when you read it, you have to ask yourself, is it false? Or too alarmingly an accurate description of how we are "lazy intellectual scum"

I have to agree with how the piece starts, "they call the Third World the lazy man's purview; the sluggishly slothful and languorous prefecture. In this realm people are sleepy, torpid, lethargic and therefore indigent - totally penniless, needy, destitute, poverty-stricken, disfavored and improvised." Yet  I feel the need to add that all that laziness is set in a painstakingly beautiful place, where the wild animals walk free, the sun warms the heart everyday, the lands are rich with food and anything grows, the grounds - a horde of minerals accrued, the seas - a bountiful of blessings, God went out of His way to make sure we have everything that we can ever need and we are too blind to seek beyond the fullness of our stomachs. 

Sadly true that the poor uneducated people are the most hardworking people in Africa. It is the intellectual that are lazy. We are content with a false notion of the notoriety of our education bestowed on us - by hard working parents/entity who gave up every joy so that we can have it better. When we finally make it better for ourselves, we are arrogant enough to forget - forget what it was like before and ashamed of the very people who got us there. We work hard to create a phony sense of entitlement, of knowledge, that we are more deserving and better than everyone else - so we stop. We become contented to have risen above the mass where we can see the fruit dangling at the top but we don't bother striving to get it. 

Lords of Poverty - Indeed. One of my Economics teacher used to call it the "Big Man" effect that we all suffer from. So immersed in having the grandest car cruising on a road full of potholes, living in a mansion with neigbours from scum, having the newest accessories with relatives who have nothing to eat, spending  money we haven't earned to to but things we don't want so we can impress people we don't like-  living large but not living a life that matters. 

The Lazy Intellectual African Scum is a bold from the blue that blows up our unsuspecting sense of comfort. I believe that we need the to take the momentum of being flung back and flabbergasted to catapult ourselves into something different. Into change. Each one of us can relate to the article, we know what we must do, we know what we must change. As a person, you are but a drop in the ocean but if each drop took a stand, made a difference, something will give. Not everything will come to pass at once - but we can say that at least, as a  generation - we tried. 

...in retrospect...

I hate reality and how it shrivels up my dreams...

what I have to do versus what I want to do...

what I need versus what I want...

My life is not going how i want it to go...

its like I am being tested...

in more ways than I have ever been before...

I have to redefine my priorities, 

Re-assess the people I am keeping in my life...

Sever some old bonds and form some new ones...

I need a clearer vision, more sustainable, 

more healthy and attainable...

a solidified definition out of the mist of the mundane reality...

I am stuck between what I should be, 

how my life should be running and how it actually is...

whilst where I wanna be is even more scarier...

I am afraid to believe, to have faith, 

in case i get thwarted and my dreams shatter around me..

No one has done it before me, how can i succeed?

Imagination in in 3D and HD!!!

 This post may come as a suprise to my followers, but what can I say...I am always told I am childish...although I prefer to call it childlike. Childish or not these books are my most favourite fantasy...a beautiful magical world created that you could believe in so feverishly...

I wish I got my ticket ....

...so I could go to Hogwarts....

 and learn how to do this....just like Hermoine Granger there....

below here would have been a perfect christmas gift....Santa forgot to come all the way out here....but believe you me, friends!!! I have all the books....and I will try to write here also but this is keeping me sooo per-occupied and anti-social...I am falling in love again...

Sorry!!!

All these new years resolutions to help come true while we all don't want to change at all, Santa has just gone to hibernation until next year, and the fairy Godmother? She went to visit her friends.

I think God is very busy currently...and sometimes I think he must want to tell us that "Sorry, the lifestyle you ordered is currently out of stock!!!" because of the impracticality of things we ask of him.

We want to be rich without trying. We want to be thin without dieting or exercising. We want things to sort themselves out. We want to be with the perfect partner when we are full of imperfections.  We want the career without the grunt work. We want the dream house without building it. We want fabulous relationships without putting effort into it. We want to be loved without loving in return. We want to demand respect without giving it. We want God to make it all possible without believing in Him.

In the end, it is good to know that He understands, that we are human, that we are imperfect, that we are impossible, that we are unsatisfied, that we are needy, that we ungrateful, that we are unforgiving, that we are unloveable - but He loves us anyway.