Strong for too Long

Have you ever broken down??? In a middle of a conversation, or when you see someone truly happy,  or see happiness, so unrelated to how you feel, that simple pat on the shoulder, understanding eyes letting you know that its owkay and they wont judge you, or just a hug because they figured you needed it. What finally  takes you to the secret land of tears is accumulated anger, a burden too large for your small back, and when the tears gates open, there is no way of shutting them down. 

Personally, because through time I have become a master of masking my emotions and betraying how I truly feel to people who do not know me well enough, I know the signs when I am too close to that garden of misery watered by the cascading salty droplets from my eyes. I quickly bite my lips and make an excuse for a quick exit, so that I can be alone. alone to unwind, alone to give in to how i feel - finally un-numbing the weight of my pain so I can finally feel it. I like to do that alone. 

To some people they think its a sign of weakness that I cry. I beg to differ. I cry not because I am weak,  but because I have been strong for too long. Because I have been smiling through my misery so often, answering "I am fine" at every concerned friendly place. I feel that they will not understand and I have neither the desire nor the capacity to explain and justify my feelings. See that is the problem with very good friends sometimes, is that you can generally accurately read their reaction to whatever situation that you are going through. Sometimes you tell yourself that you don't need that, or at times the shoulder you need to cry on is carry a face that is glowing with happiness that its selfish for you to pop that bubble with your tale of misery. So you keep it inside you. 

In the end, all that matters is that if someone cares enough they will see beyond the facade that you put up. The front that all is well in paradise and really dig to the bottom of things. Finally when that happens, normally by then things are owkay, the emotional trauma is over and I get exhilarated by the fact that someone cared enough listen to the cries of my heart and stop believing in the smile plastered on my face.