Life moves on

Life is actually fair....because it is unfair to everyone.

Which Child Do You Love More?

My friends say that I love my first born more than I love the second baby. When they told me this, I took a step back and reflected...and I didn't know I did it but had to take it as a given. To me it wasn't that I loved any child any less because a mother's love is whole no matter how many times divided...but I figure my favorite child at any given moment is whoever needs mothers love the most. I love them both crazy but I guess how I am with each child depends on the child themselves...my youngest more independent child loves her space and the way I love her is giving her room to be and do whatever she wants but she always mummy is there when she needs her..My first born on the other hand is more clingy and we have endless conversations...and apparently I talk about her more so I give her what she needs also but also encourage her to be more independent...

Perhaps it is true, I don't love them equally, for one we can never measure love. But I try my best to love them equitably..both know that mama is here and love them like crazy...and at times I don't even like them, all I want is space to be alone and disappear. Being needed at this level is exhausting...but I wouldn't exchange it for the world. So I pose this question to you...which child to do you feel or friends and family feel that you love more?

Baby Steps...

From the throes of my pain, a smile breaks the winter of tears and tentatively my heart picks up a beat. Why is hope always lurking and refusing to be ignored? I told myself I wont do this again, I am tired of being hurt and yet the hope sparks memories of happiness and possibilities...so I decide to stay in love again...even though I had promised I was over this mess.

Baby steps...three hours later I fall back into my depression and start asking why I am believing you again and falling for you when I know how badly you can wound me? Why this heart continues betraying me? Why can I not erase him? Why do I fall for his words when I know he is lying...back into the black hole of uncertainty...

I get out again...I smile again. I look good again. I love you again. I don't know when I will fall back into my gnawing pain. I am walking by your side again...tentatively holding your hand, hoping that when I fall down again, I will pick myself up. Baby steps...

When Trust is Broken

How can I ever trust you again? And without trust how can our marriage ever survive? An affair is the ultimate betrayal...you are fully aware of the suffering the affair will inflict on me...yet you are daring enough to do it anyway. You claim to love me, perhaps now you love seeing tears imprint my face. You say you respect me but you don't want me to walk this place with my head held high. It reflects a total disregard for my feelings, someone whom you promised to cherish, love and protect for life.

And then there are the lies. Looking right onto my face and denying it all, getting angry that I would even think such a thing, shocked that I had the audacity to invade your privacy...and I caught you creeping. How dare I accuse you? How dare I be mad? When you still came home every night? All the things everyone used to tell me about but I vehemently denied, oh what a fool I am. She must be quite a woman that you give so much power to that she dares to call you to tell you good morning when you have not even left our bed. The same bed you leave cold to assure her sweet nothings so she can sleep well.

This is the man that you have become. Reckless, thoughtless, uncaring of anyone else except your own damned needs. The children looking at your expectantly to be help are left with cold stares and how busy you are. They come crying to me not understanding why daddy doesn't love them anymore. This man I cannot fight for. I will not fight to be lied to, to be taken for granted, fighting to be dissappointed, and fighting to be hurt again so slowly I starting for acceptance and to let go.

How can I ever trust you again? After everything how can we ever heal?

How can you be the unfaithful one and yet demand that I should trust you now. That now you claim to know that without trust our marriage cannot thrive. You say without doing much to rebuild the broken pieces that you left me with but rather to avoid to have to change and do things to regain my trust. You keep claiming that you have changed...you don't want to say what you are doing in secret, yet you insist that its nothing to harm me...or our marriage. I see you, demanding trust is simply a tactic to get away with further thoughtlessness and dishonesty.

I love how you had the audacity to throw everything in my face. Keep it all there. Perhaps she was that amazing that I somehow cannot compare or understand. The childishness of fighting her for you is beneath me, you never understood our endless fights, dishes smashed, and all hell break loose yet I wouldn't confront her even though I knew her name and number. Oh I did feel insecure at some point asking myself over and over what am I lacking? What do I need to improve. And you had the balls to tell me. As if it was me who looked for someone else to fill the gaps in our relationship.

Trust is not something I am required to do for you just because we are married. I know I have to trust you but its not a requirement for marriage, its a reaction to experience. It grows a each spouse shows that they are trustworthy. For trust to ever exist in our marriage again, we should begin with a commitment to be thoughtful and honest. Without that commitment its foolish to trust you again. And you should follow through with thoughtful and honest behaviour. Yet continuing to require that from you seems to be utter foolishness. So now I move forward with acceptance. Accepting that I may not be what you need anymore. Accepting that in this threesome I want out. Accepting that people change and grow and I hate the person you have become. Accept my part in this, I was too occupied to make sure that the house was well cared for, the kids not to lack anything, and instead of you reminding of how you also need me, look at all I do and lend a helping hand so that I may feeling I may have something more to give to you, but you looked for it else where.

The future is always uncertain. Can I forgive you? Yes. Will you not have another affair? I have no idea and frankly you are pushing to dangerously freeing ledge of I don't give a shit.  How can I ever trust you again? It will take a looong time. Can you be honest about all the details of your life? Not quite, you still have much to say and do...still creeping. Will you take my feelings into consideration with every decision you make? Only time will tell. I sit here patiently watching your every move, pretending I see nothing, my heart is now cold. The broken pieces are now jaded, unfitting to a whole again. 

Little girl

Come here little girl, let me wrap you in my arms and hold you close. Brush your tears gently away and blow soft kisses on all your wounds. But why my baby have you done this to yourself? What kind of pain is this you won't let go of? Why are you trying so hard to be unlovable? Why are you questioning your existence? Does it make you feel any better? Does this make it hurt less...show me where it hurts so I can make it better, tell me what to do little girl because I cannot bear to see the naked pain that your eyes should never have to show...you who is so pure,kind, generous, loving, and innocent...how did this happen to you? Why are you curled up all alone in this dark room and you don't want to feel the sunlight on your face?

All I get is even deeper sobs shaking your little body...you come to me and melt in my arms unable to vocalise how this pain makes you feel, where it hurts and how to make it better. Tell me, where does it hurt? What can I do? All you do is offer intelligible explanations that don't seem to make any sense. As I gather you and your tears slowly dry, the anguish reflected in your eyes is not something that someone like you should ever have to know...

Tears

I have a million words that I am trying not to say, I have to quiet my heart and force my mouth from blurting all my thought, suffocate the screams that are threatening to unleash forth...and I put a smile on my face and face another day.

Why wont the tears listen? I am not crying today. This is nothing new, it has happened before and chances are it will happen again. Why are the tears still flowing? Why wont my body stop acknowledging the pain ripping me into pieces? Why won't my hide the hurt and tuck it back to sleep behind the eyelids? Instead, its raining sorrow and sadness.

They come at no warning. I could be doing something normal or a small thing could happen and there they come...at the most inconvenient time. Why are the tears still there? I have cried countless nights, sorrowful deep sobs that shake my world, I have had panic attacks, couldn't breathe kind of tears, yet why wont they leave me alone in a time like this? Why would an innocent question open the gates of darkness?

May the tears continue to fall anyway, its okay. I have become accustomed to this. I can wipe them away. I can turn my back on the pain. Nothing will make it better except time and forgiveness, so for now I will crumble and become dust. For now the tears will plaster the pieces of me together like glue so I don't lose myself. These tears are washing away the pestering wounds deep inside that refuse to come out. These tears are a testament that I am capable of feeling crippling pain and run my life forward, the baggage I carry and refuse to feel its weight when I have life to live may come at unwelcome times and rob me of sleep and strangle me, so my tears are my constant companion, whether you can see them or not.

What Love is This

Hurt me deep and expect me to turn my pain into poetry,
Take me for granted and expect me to treasure you,
Never look my way yet expect me to be in tune with your every emotion,
Love me selfishly and expect me to love you wholeheartedly.

Do my tears excite you? Does my sorrow enthrall you?
Why do you act like all you want is for me to be in perpetual anguish,
When was the last time you saw a smile on my face that reached my eyes?
Am I not a worthy woman in your eyes to deserve kindness?

How did we get here? We used to embody love in its entirety,
We used to be so intertwined in mind and body, in tune with each breath,
emotion, look, touch, caress...You were my everything.
You used to complete me, my every reason for existing.

Now, as I think of you, tears stream down my face at the last fight,
It's the only way we know how to communicate,
I silently sob into my pillow as you snore into yours,
I start to dissect every single thing that brought us to this point.

We seem to be in a stalemate, having the same fight over and over again,
Each of us unable to hear the other, each unwilling to give in,
Finally I drift into a fitful sleep haunted by graphic nightmares,
Reminding that its a lull in the storm, we will wake to hurt one another again.

Marriage is a Sport

I am new to marriage, having been married for only five years. However, the more I see married couples in my community the less I yearn for that long life lasting marriage because it just feels wrong. What has become accepted and become the norm hurts my heart when I think about it.

When has marriage been equated to riding and dying and sacrificing for a person who not only appreciate you but takes everything for granted?
When has marriage become a licence to men sleeping around and women staying put, turning a blind eye because we have been taught to believe all men are the same and it doesn't get any better?
When has marriage become equated to hiding faults and parading perfection that is a lie?
When has marriage become a charade in public and silent deep cries in the darkest chambers of our souls?
When did marriage become an empty promise?
When did it become okay to expect very little from marriage? To not expect happiness? To intrude in others marriage and be happy when others are in turmoil.

We have become scared to share our problems because we no longer have the compass to know who genuinely cares and who is just taking advantage and secretly rooting for us to fail. When the married couple scare the single people that marriage is no longer a sanctuary.

I am not looking for story book happy marriages or scripted movies telling me what marriage is. But shouldn't marriage be about respect? Openness? Togetherness? Being each others cheerleaders? Being patient during difficult times? Enjoying the happy times? Working, creating and building a life together? Isn't marriage companionship? Someone witnessing your life everyday in its mundane glory and to bear witness through it all? to be in tune? Are my views so old fashioned?

Why is it fashionable to accept that all marriages fail  and the ones that seem happy have just learnt to hide their problems well.. Marriage has become a horrible spectator sport. No sportsmanship. Full competition. Without the investment of grit and grime but everyone wanting the glory and trophy.

What do you like about motherhood?

Somebody asked me the question of what I like about motherhood and I couldn't find a clear answer straight away. She was shocked that I didn't know. I was amazed that my mind was blank. It took me time, days even till I could come up with a proper answer. That's when I realised that Motherhood to me has become like breathing, I am not even aware that I am doing it but its very essential to my being...and if i couldn't do it I would cease to exist...yet while doing it I pay no attention to the intricate mechanisms that I get into constantly.

The say a mother is born the day the child is born. It is essential to me and the tiny humans that I brought into this world to be the best mother I can be. Motherhood is hard, very hard, to give love and attention and tireless cleaning, endless questions, super soft touches, being needed, sleepless nights, and when you think you can't take anymore, you still have to dig deeper. I may not be a great mother all the time but I am doing the best I can and believe me I am willing to learn, I stress about it, I have sessions with my mom, my friends to agonise if I am doing it okay. 

I love everything about being a mother. Everything about being the sole person to hear my tiny humans way before they can talk. I love and appreciate how hard it is to be responsible in shaping the world view of the tiny humans before they can grow up enough to think that I know nothing. I like everything about it, when I don't like it.

Alone with People.

Isn't it amazing how you can be surrounded by so many people who make you feel more alone?
I think I will be happy to be alone. Not because I like it and want it, but what if you love and need someone and it fell apart? I may not make it, so its easier to be alone.

Because what if you learn to need love and you don't have it? What if you start depending on it, leaning on it, shape your life around it..and then it falls apart? Will you be able to survive that kind of pain?

So I am trying to learn to be comfortable to be alone, I may still have love in my life but nothing is guaranteed. What if it finished and ended suddenly? Who am I without the identity of mother and wife and homemaker? Am I really in touch with the inner me as much as people think that, I have my life all perfect and figured out.

But with life, I have changed and grown, sometimes for the better and other times for the worse, so why have I lost touch with my inner self? It is so easy to get lost in the years of being needed by the tiny humans that I forget to recharge. I have forgotten to prioritise me. I have forgotten me, At times I feel like a book that I want to read but never get around to opening.