Again

 A couple of years later, having left this space for a while I find myself wondering here again. Again misunderstood, again with judgements, again with confusion. But it’s for different reasons. It’s not a problem but rather having no blue print for moving forward. 

No one tells you what to do after you reach all the new goals, what do you do when everything is seemingly done. Why doesn’t the so called success feel as good? When you have smashed all the goals? When you have achieved a near impossible feat? When you have climbed a mountain so high and the view as much as it’s beautiful is extra lonely. 

How do you then move forward? What is the meaning of things? How do you get direction? When you are trapped in your own mind and no one can hear the loud screams in your mind because you haven’t opened your mouth. 

What do you do after all the boxes are ticked? Dotted all i and crossed all the t ? What comes next? 

Unsure

The only certain thing about life is that it keeps changing. So much happens in life and it feels surreal as if its not really happening to me. How have I forgotten to be grateful for this amazing life? How have I achieved so much and yet that achievements feel empty? 

Personal Mission Statement

I will continue to be a practicing Muslim no matter how difficult it becomes.
I will seek to balance career and family as best as I can as both are important to me.
My home will be a place where my family, friends, and guests find joy, comfort, peace and happiness,
Still I will seek to have a clean and orderly environment, yet livable and comfortable.
I especially want to teach my children to love, to learn and to laugh - and to work to develop their unique talents.
I will be a self-starting individual who exercises initiative in accomplishing my life's goals/
I will act on situations and opportunities rather than be acted upon.
I will always try to keep myself from addictive and destructive habits.
I will develop habits that will free me from my old labels and limits and expand my capabilities and choices.
My money will be my servant, not my master.
I will seek financial independence over time,
My wants will be subject to my needs and my means.
I will spend less than I earn and regularly save or invest part of my income.
Moreover, I will use what money and talents I have to make life more enjoyable for others through service and charitable giving.

May Allah guide me and Help me.

Hope

As long as you have days above the ground there is still some hope for you. 

No matter how hopeless your situation is, it will eventually change.

But you have to keep the mindset. 

You have to rekindle hope so that it can rage into a burning fire 

and Hope will consume all your doubts, worries, uncertainty and fear.

Hope. Faith. Believe. 

The D Word.

Divorced.

The dreaded D word. 

How did this happen? As she sits crying and going through every detail of what happened until she is in this position, crouched on the floor. Crying. Hurting. It has been bad for a while. They were always fighting. It was one thing after another. She felt that the love had changed. He did not respect her. He cheated on her repeatedly. Every time she touched his phone, she ended up crying. The kids were like hers alone, he didn't want to deal with it. The in-laws, that is another constant raging war. It was like the only time she caught a break was to go off and cry alone. Be in her own feelings and then she makes up the perfect retort that she cannot hold back so the fighting starts again. 

He feels suffocated with the constant nagging and questions. He cannot use his phone in peace without accusations that he is chasing hoes. She is so absorbed in the kids and he doesn't know who she is any more other than a home maker and a mother. The woman has not only gained weight but has been lost completely. After a long day at work, it gets even more draining thinking of going home and he couldn't take it anymore. She never listened. 

They were always fighting and each person could not compromise and each one didn't want to change. Each blamed the other for the state of things. its not that they loved each other less, but love left a bitter taste in the mouth. It suddenly seemed clear that there is no other way around it...the only way to get out of the black hole that sucked everything into it....was to stop wondering about what went wrong and how to make it better but rather to leave the broken pieces on the floor and move on. 

He filed for a divorce. 

She felt shattered. 

Its scary sometimes because you just don't know what its about. Is it learning how to love or learning how to fly again? How do they figure out the next steps? Perhaps its  just to understand how to survive the fall.  

Pain

We continue to hurt one another and ruining each other. Being together hurts a lot while being apart will hurt even more. Perhaps I will never find another man to love me like you do but you will never find another woman to understand you like I do. So why are ripping our souls apart when the answer is so simple. Why this excruciating pain by being together...yet we are a million miles apart.

Can you not hear the echo of my screams through my silence? Through the words I say everyday? Through the tears running down my face? Through the smile on my face that you have not seen- in how long? Do you remember? Are you aware?

I am tired of masking all my pain to please you. To make love to you. To keep your home inviting and warm. To keep remembering the good times...that are fast becoming the only place I can exist happily. Why do you lie to me in my face? Look me straight in the eyes...and tell your lies. I know you are lying, deep inside my gut but I do not have the proof..yet. So I do my best to believe you. To believe in your words even though your actions speak differently. You take me for a fool. Just because you feel that you won this round because of lack of proof, you walk away on a high feeling indestructible.

Nothing we feel entitled to ever comes to us in sufficient abundance to make us happy. Happiness is a feeling of being blessed. As I choose to be happy in the face of everything, I am happy that God is trusting me this much to deal with the enormity and the profound hurt that is allowing me to see cracks in my soul. The pain, having felt it, I redirect it now to nourish and care for my withering heart. The pain is helping my journey inward. The pain is making me question many choices. If I can be wrong about you, what else could I wrong about.

I am choosing to feel the pain and get above it so that it will not continually pull me in depths of despair. Me believing the lies you tell me doesn't make me a fool. I judge you on my own value system, and I mean what I say. I expect the same from you. Love should not hurt this much. Love should not make me lose sleep. Love should not be leaving me here questioning whether or not I truly matter. I do not need that kind of love.

I only want the love that hurts when you plunge in deep into the deep creases of my woman hood, the kind of pain that feels so good, like a climax; will kill you kinda good if you stop. I want a love so deep it pushes me to fly even higher than what I believe I can become. I need a love that prompts me to work out, because being healthy is sexy...and flexible and you can then be able to put me in any imagined position you want. I want great loving, sweet and seductive, like I will drop everything in the world without you having to ask. Because I know it is reciprocated. Because I know you love me on the same bandwidth...that it hurts to not be where you are. That is the pain that is welcomed in my life.      

Why Should I be home Early?

The concept of what  consists as family time seems to differ a lot for men and women.

Whereas the woman as the mother, wife/girlfriend homemaker is expected to give everything and then some. In some cultures men spending time with their woman is considered a weakness. It is seen that he is not manly, that he should have better things to do than be home with his one woman.

This ideology is perpetuated by both men and women. The men obviously get what they desire and as women we seem to not be able to rise our boys to be better boys than their fathers. We inflict the same pain our husbands gave to us onto someone else's child.

This has got to change. It needs to start with me and you. The priority has to be family. What kind of tiny humans we are molding to take over the earth and humanity. Nowadays the value of relationships is determined by the number of likes, texting, sexting, valuing the display of who someone pretends to be rather than the participation of watching someone grow, children's playtime has been replaced with gadgets and the internet, and the human connection is fast being deemed obsolete, whilst depression and broken homes and families are on the rise.

That is why you should be home early. You have to be there to show your daughters what a real man should be like and your sons to learn early how to treat a woman. We have no idea of the power of comprehension on children. How much are you hurting your own in your search for money and a better life that you have no time to actually have a life with them? They cannot tell you how much they need you, they try to show you by jumping you and wanting as much time with you as possible, however your constant refusals and being home so late, they are getting used to your absence. So when I tell you to be home early, its for your children. They do not know how to tell you why they need you around and I am their voice.

Me? Your partner who is riding and dying for you? Supporting you? Loving you? Being your cheerleader? Holding you up? You are asking me why you should be home early darling? Honey, if the street's allure is more inviting than the warm loving I am serving, then stay where you feel the ache in your soul is being stroked. Let the streets love you. Let the streets and its fleeting connections engulf you. My loving is too deep to not be revered. You do not have to be home early. But do not come to me one day and ask me why that food is not warm when you are here.. Why the smile and welcoming arms are tightly holding onto myself, I will not wait around to watch you desecrate everything we have build...I don't have to tell you that.

Valentines Scribbles

Valentines is here today. Everyone has complete specifications on what they need to get in order to get the proof that they are loved.

There are levels to this...I don't want one day of undying declaration of love, I want small actions of consistency to prove the words that you say are true.

So love yourself, love your partner, love the family, spread love. Positive vibes only. 

The Journey

On my journey of self discovery and self love, I have met many companions, travelers, lost souls and
many types of people on different roads heading to the same destination...eventually the grave. As with any journey there are those who will help you and those who will hinder and I am still looking for ways learn from both. To be grateful to have both.

On this journey with myself I continually look for ways to love myself. To listen to myself. To heal myself. To put myself first. To validate my feeling. To be aware of the kinds of vibrations of energy that my body picks. To be true to myself. To be kind to myself and not always hurt myself's feelings. To nurture myself. To be more patient with myself as I stumble and fall and learn to pick myself up. To believe in myself. To be myself's biggest cheer leader. To take care of my health, mental, emotional and physical. I want to continually be busy to find ways to love myself as I am my longest commitment.

I have had to learn a number of new habits and unlearn many old ones. I now have to look at myself to provide to me what I need before I look onto others to do the same. I can't be broken inside and wait for someone to heal me - they do not understand where it hurts. I have to understand myself first before the feeling of being misunderstood crashes me. I have to be kind to myself and forgive me for all the ways I have been hurting me and allowing others to add to the pain.

Some people will always look for ways and reasons to bring you down. Others will always lift you up. But when you remain standing, that's what shows your true strength

All writers are sad...

Someone questioned me, are all writers sad? 

Why I asked? 

The answer came is that there is so much more writing on sadness, on emptiness, on heartbreak, on betrayal and everyone can relate. Why don't you write about happiness?

With a smile on my face I replied, not all writers are sad, but sad girls write more. 

There is plenty being written about happiness, how it feels, the stuff that love is made of...but sadness overwhelms. Happiness is self-explanatory. Its like a confident child laughing with abandon and bubbling with infectious good energy that you can't help yourself but smile. It is a beautiful poetry and every sense of our existence can feel it...its like the heart beating and pumping blood and oxygen... we may not be aware of the intricacies of the how...but we do know that if it stops...then life as we know it can be over.

Sadness on the other side...is much more difficult to notice, you could be feeling it and not be aware of it until happiness knocks loudly. We have been taught that feeling sad is wrong...therefore we have learned from a young age to mask the emotion...sometimes we get so good we can even hid it from ourselves. 

Is this why you disappear on your own blog...because you are happy?

Sometimes...but mostly no. Life catches up. Responsibilities increase. Sometimes I am not good at putting into words everything that is going on...other times I have so much going on...a few minutes of self expression feels too much. Wherein lies my biggest problem...I worry and love about others so much more than my own needs. This has always been a space for me to figure out my feelings or to help others feeling the same. Not all the stories are my own...some are borrowed from others struggles and triumphs. But I do promise to stay a little longer this time...to try a little harder...

Are you sad now then?

The beguiling smile on my face is your answer.

Life moves on

Life is actually fair....because it is unfair to everyone.

Which Child Do You Love More?

My friends say that I love my first born more than I love the second baby. When they told me this, I took a step back and reflected...and I didn't know I did it but had to take it as a given. To me it wasn't that I loved any child any less because a mother's love is whole no matter how many times divided...but I figure my favorite child at any given moment is whoever needs mothers love the most. I love them both crazy but I guess how I am with each child depends on the child themselves...my youngest more independent child loves her space and the way I love her is giving her room to be and do whatever she wants but she always mummy is there when she needs her..My first born on the other hand is more clingy and we have endless conversations...and apparently I talk about her more so I give her what she needs also but also encourage her to be more independent...

Perhaps it is true, I don't love them equally, for one we can never measure love. But I try my best to love them equitably..both know that mama is here and love them like crazy...and at times I don't even like them, all I want is space to be alone and disappear. Being needed at this level is exhausting...but I wouldn't exchange it for the world. So I pose this question to you...which child to do you feel or friends and family feel that you love more?

Baby Steps...

From the throes of my pain, a smile breaks the winter of tears and tentatively my heart picks up a beat. Why is hope always lurking and refusing to be ignored? I told myself I wont do this again, I am tired of being hurt and yet the hope sparks memories of happiness and possibilities...so I decide to stay in love again...even though I had promised I was over this mess.

Baby steps...three hours later I fall back into my depression and start asking why I am believing you again and falling for you when I know how badly you can wound me? Why this heart continues betraying me? Why can I not erase him? Why do I fall for his words when I know he is lying...back into the black hole of uncertainty...

I get out again...I smile again. I look good again. I love you again. I don't know when I will fall back into my gnawing pain. I am walking by your side again...tentatively holding your hand, hoping that when I fall down again, I will pick myself up. Baby steps...

When Trust is Broken

How can I ever trust you again? And without trust how can our marriage ever survive? An affair is the ultimate betrayal...you are fully aware of the suffering the affair will inflict on me...yet you are daring enough to do it anyway. You claim to love me, perhaps now you love seeing tears imprint my face. You say you respect me but you don't want me to walk this place with my head held high. It reflects a total disregard for my feelings, someone whom you promised to cherish, love and protect for life.

And then there are the lies. Looking right onto my face and denying it all, getting angry that I would even think such a thing, shocked that I had the audacity to invade your privacy...and I caught you creeping. How dare I accuse you? How dare I be mad? When you still came home every night? All the things everyone used to tell me about but I vehemently denied, oh what a fool I am. She must be quite a woman that you give so much power to that she dares to call you to tell you good morning when you have not even left our bed. The same bed you leave cold to assure her sweet nothings so she can sleep well.

This is the man that you have become. Reckless, thoughtless, uncaring of anyone else except your own damned needs. The children looking at your expectantly to be help are left with cold stares and how busy you are. They come crying to me not understanding why daddy doesn't love them anymore. This man I cannot fight for. I will not fight to be lied to, to be taken for granted, fighting to be dissappointed, and fighting to be hurt again so slowly I starting for acceptance and to let go.

How can I ever trust you again? After everything how can we ever heal?

How can you be the unfaithful one and yet demand that I should trust you now. That now you claim to know that without trust our marriage cannot thrive. You say without doing much to rebuild the broken pieces that you left me with but rather to avoid to have to change and do things to regain my trust. You keep claiming that you have changed...you don't want to say what you are doing in secret, yet you insist that its nothing to harm me...or our marriage. I see you, demanding trust is simply a tactic to get away with further thoughtlessness and dishonesty.

I love how you had the audacity to throw everything in my face. Keep it all there. Perhaps she was that amazing that I somehow cannot compare or understand. The childishness of fighting her for you is beneath me, you never understood our endless fights, dishes smashed, and all hell break loose yet I wouldn't confront her even though I knew her name and number. Oh I did feel insecure at some point asking myself over and over what am I lacking? What do I need to improve. And you had the balls to tell me. As if it was me who looked for someone else to fill the gaps in our relationship.

Trust is not something I am required to do for you just because we are married. I know I have to trust you but its not a requirement for marriage, its a reaction to experience. It grows a each spouse shows that they are trustworthy. For trust to ever exist in our marriage again, we should begin with a commitment to be thoughtful and honest. Without that commitment its foolish to trust you again. And you should follow through with thoughtful and honest behaviour. Yet continuing to require that from you seems to be utter foolishness. So now I move forward with acceptance. Accepting that I may not be what you need anymore. Accepting that in this threesome I want out. Accepting that people change and grow and I hate the person you have become. Accept my part in this, I was too occupied to make sure that the house was well cared for, the kids not to lack anything, and instead of you reminding of how you also need me, look at all I do and lend a helping hand so that I may feeling I may have something more to give to you, but you looked for it else where.

The future is always uncertain. Can I forgive you? Yes. Will you not have another affair? I have no idea and frankly you are pushing to dangerously freeing ledge of I don't give a shit.  How can I ever trust you again? It will take a looong time. Can you be honest about all the details of your life? Not quite, you still have much to say and do...still creeping. Will you take my feelings into consideration with every decision you make? Only time will tell. I sit here patiently watching your every move, pretending I see nothing, my heart is now cold. The broken pieces are now jaded, unfitting to a whole again. 

Little girl

Come here little girl, let me wrap you in my arms and hold you close. Brush your tears gently away and blow soft kisses on all your wounds. But why my baby have you done this to yourself? What kind of pain is this you won't let go of? Why are you trying so hard to be unlovable? Why are you questioning your existence? Does it make you feel any better? Does this make it hurt less...show me where it hurts so I can make it better, tell me what to do little girl because I cannot bear to see the naked pain that your eyes should never have to show...you who is so pure,kind, generous, loving, and innocent...how did this happen to you? Why are you curled up all alone in this dark room and you don't want to feel the sunlight on your face?

All I get is even deeper sobs shaking your little body...you come to me and melt in my arms unable to vocalise how this pain makes you feel, where it hurts and how to make it better. Tell me, where does it hurt? What can I do? All you do is offer intelligible explanations that don't seem to make any sense. As I gather you and your tears slowly dry, the anguish reflected in your eyes is not something that someone like you should ever have to know...

Tears

I have a million words that I am trying not to say, I have to quiet my heart and force my mouth from blurting all my thought, suffocate the screams that are threatening to unleash forth...and I put a smile on my face and face another day.

Why wont the tears listen? I am not crying today. This is nothing new, it has happened before and chances are it will happen again. Why are the tears still flowing? Why wont my body stop acknowledging the pain ripping me into pieces? Why won't my hide the hurt and tuck it back to sleep behind the eyelids? Instead, its raining sorrow and sadness.

They come at no warning. I could be doing something normal or a small thing could happen and there they come...at the most inconvenient time. Why are the tears still there? I have cried countless nights, sorrowful deep sobs that shake my world, I have had panic attacks, couldn't breathe kind of tears, yet why wont they leave me alone in a time like this? Why would an innocent question open the gates of darkness?

May the tears continue to fall anyway, its okay. I have become accustomed to this. I can wipe them away. I can turn my back on the pain. Nothing will make it better except time and forgiveness, so for now I will crumble and become dust. For now the tears will plaster the pieces of me together like glue so I don't lose myself. These tears are washing away the pestering wounds deep inside that refuse to come out. These tears are a testament that I am capable of feeling crippling pain and run my life forward, the baggage I carry and refuse to feel its weight when I have life to live may come at unwelcome times and rob me of sleep and strangle me, so my tears are my constant companion, whether you can see them or not.

What Love is This

Hurt me deep and expect me to turn my pain into poetry,
Take me for granted and expect me to treasure you,
Never look my way yet expect me to be in tune with your every emotion,
Love me selfishly and expect me to love you wholeheartedly.

Do my tears excite you? Does my sorrow enthrall you?
Why do you act like all you want is for me to be in perpetual anguish,
When was the last time you saw a smile on my face that reached my eyes?
Am I not a worthy woman in your eyes to deserve kindness?

How did we get here? We used to embody love in its entirety,
We used to be so intertwined in mind and body, in tune with each breath,
emotion, look, touch, caress...You were my everything.
You used to complete me, my every reason for existing.

Now, as I think of you, tears stream down my face at the last fight,
It's the only way we know how to communicate,
I silently sob into my pillow as you snore into yours,
I start to dissect every single thing that brought us to this point.

We seem to be in a stalemate, having the same fight over and over again,
Each of us unable to hear the other, each unwilling to give in,
Finally I drift into a fitful sleep haunted by graphic nightmares,
Reminding that its a lull in the storm, we will wake to hurt one another again.

Marriage is a Sport

I am new to marriage, having been married for only five years. However, the more I see married couples in my community the less I yearn for that long life lasting marriage because it just feels wrong. What has become accepted and become the norm hurts my heart when I think about it.

When has marriage been equated to riding and dying and sacrificing for a person who not only appreciate you but takes everything for granted?
When has marriage become a licence to men sleeping around and women staying put, turning a blind eye because we have been taught to believe all men are the same and it doesn't get any better?
When has marriage become equated to hiding faults and parading perfection that is a lie?
When has marriage become a charade in public and silent deep cries in the darkest chambers of our souls?
When did marriage become an empty promise?
When did it become okay to expect very little from marriage? To not expect happiness? To intrude in others marriage and be happy when others are in turmoil.

We have become scared to share our problems because we no longer have the compass to know who genuinely cares and who is just taking advantage and secretly rooting for us to fail. When the married couple scare the single people that marriage is no longer a sanctuary.

I am not looking for story book happy marriages or scripted movies telling me what marriage is. But shouldn't marriage be about respect? Openness? Togetherness? Being each others cheerleaders? Being patient during difficult times? Enjoying the happy times? Working, creating and building a life together? Isn't marriage companionship? Someone witnessing your life everyday in its mundane glory and to bear witness through it all? to be in tune? Are my views so old fashioned?

Why is it fashionable to accept that all marriages fail  and the ones that seem happy have just learnt to hide their problems well.. Marriage has become a horrible spectator sport. No sportsmanship. Full competition. Without the investment of grit and grime but everyone wanting the glory and trophy.

What do you like about motherhood?

Somebody asked me the question of what I like about motherhood and I couldn't find a clear answer straight away. She was shocked that I didn't know. I was amazed that my mind was blank. It took me time, days even till I could come up with a proper answer. That's when I realised that Motherhood to me has become like breathing, I am not even aware that I am doing it but its very essential to my being...and if i couldn't do it I would cease to exist...yet while doing it I pay no attention to the intricate mechanisms that I get into constantly.

The say a mother is born the day the child is born. It is essential to me and the tiny humans that I brought into this world to be the best mother I can be. Motherhood is hard, very hard, to give love and attention and tireless cleaning, endless questions, super soft touches, being needed, sleepless nights, and when you think you can't take anymore, you still have to dig deeper. I may not be a great mother all the time but I am doing the best I can and believe me I am willing to learn, I stress about it, I have sessions with my mom, my friends to agonise if I am doing it okay. 

I love everything about being a mother. Everything about being the sole person to hear my tiny humans way before they can talk. I love and appreciate how hard it is to be responsible in shaping the world view of the tiny humans before they can grow up enough to think that I know nothing. I like everything about it, when I don't like it.

Alone with People.

Isn't it amazing how you can be surrounded by so many people who make you feel more alone?
I think I will be happy to be alone. Not because I like it and want it, but what if you love and need someone and it fell apart? I may not make it, so its easier to be alone.

Because what if you learn to need love and you don't have it? What if you start depending on it, leaning on it, shape your life around it..and then it falls apart? Will you be able to survive that kind of pain?

So I am trying to learn to be comfortable to be alone, I may still have love in my life but nothing is guaranteed. What if it finished and ended suddenly? Who am I without the identity of mother and wife and homemaker? Am I really in touch with the inner me as much as people think that, I have my life all perfect and figured out.

But with life, I have changed and grown, sometimes for the better and other times for the worse, so why have I lost touch with my inner self? It is so easy to get lost in the years of being needed by the tiny humans that I forget to recharge. I have forgotten to prioritise me. I have forgotten me, At times I feel like a book that I want to read but never get around to opening.