Dear Body

I've known you for almost 30 years and we've had some serious ups and downs haven't we?

I'm sorry for all the times I told you that you were ugly and that no one would want me because of you, I'm sorry for starving you those times and I'm sorry for making myself sick those other times. All in the hope of making you smaller.
I apologize for hurting you, the cutting, the burning and the pinching.
It's been a long time coming, but I should have loved you all along. You're what makes me, me. You have been amazing in the journey of growing us a baby (she is fabulous and loves me regardless)! So many people are giving me hell for not bouncing back to pre-pregnancy weight, ( and no, I am not pregnant, and yes I do exercise, no I don't eat chips all, no, I wont diet because I am breastfeeding, and yes I work full time) you've given me my big hips, my "more-than-a-handful" breasts, my thunder thighs and my tummy. All of which, at one point or another, I hated you for.

Please forgive me, it's hard growing up and everything I said and did to you was out of spite and fear.
It's ingrained in us to hate ourselves unless we look how society wants us to, I'm sure you understand.
When my hips came in, I thought it was the beginning of the end. Small, transparent scars appeared on my skin where it stretched to accommodate my new growth, but now I embrace these big hips of mine (even though they sometimes get me stuck between the seats on the bus...)
When my breasts didn't get bigger, I felt like less of a woman, I was a big girl, big girls are meant to have big boobs! Why didn't I have big boobs?!

Then I learned to accept that all bodies are different and that not all bigger girls have bigger breasts. I've also come to realise that they aren't as small as I make out. They're mine and I love them.
I'm sorry I let other people's opinion of you change how I saw you, and I'm sorry for letting those opinions get to me and upset me. I have put you through sleepless nights lately.

It's my opinion of you that counts. You're my body, and how I care for you, and what I give you for nourishment, is the business of no one, but myself.

My mother grew and nurtured me for nine long months, as you grew inside, she grew and changed outside, just so that I could be. I am loved, by my family, by my friends, by my partner, I am loved. And if I cannot love myself, if I close myself off to that love, that's just like telling those people who matter that their love for me means nothing.

That is another reason why I have grown to love my body. I surrounded myself with the love of others, and closed my ears to complaints on my size, shape, eating habits etc and only listened to what really mattered, and to who really mattered.
I want to thank you for being so strong.
I want to thank my chubby little legs for all the miles they've walked.
My wide hips because one day they are"child-bearing."
My scars for reminding me that the past is behind me.
My "more-than-a-handful" breasts because, they are more than a handful.
I want to thank my whole body for making me who I am, for never faltering and staying strong and healthy for these 27 years.

A learning process

The journey to motherhood has not been an easy one for me. As you have noticed I practically disappeared off the face of the earth for a while....but I did my best to document most things that I went through and I feel that I am ready to share that with you. As usual I am going to be brutally honest and this is my own private public space...so sit tight and wait for the posts coming up for the next few days...

A Beautiful Miracle

They say that a mother is the biggest miracle in the world. Can you see why?

Missing what I never had...

I had already planned so much for us. I was already having flashbacks of memories that we were going to have. I was already imagining what it would feel like to have you, to hold you, to kiss you, and to know you. Yet now I will not have that luxury. I miss you so much even though I never had you. I miss the flutterings you left in my belly reminding me that you were there. I miss looking forward to each day, counting down the days till I will meet you. but now that day will never come. I miss your laughter that I have never heard. I miss seeing you in the room that I had built just for you, even though you have never set foot in it. How is it that I find myself constantly trying to make myself forget someone that I have never met? Someone who was destined to be the center of my life. Baby, I never had you, and I miss you so much more everyday. 

The Miracle of Life

I dream of a day like this...

when our hardened lives and hearts are touched by something so pure, 

by a miracle so beautiful and we were allowed a part in creating...

I dream of watching an innocent soul steal your heart by just a glance, 

melt the anger by that smile...

enveloped in softness, in life.

I dream of a day like this...maybe one day... 

Why Haven't You Had A Baby Yet?

I am becoming increasingly irked by this conversation

Random idiot: Hi
Me: Hi
Random idiot: Its been a while how are you?? Oh my God you are soo fat!!!
Me: Thank you, I work at it. (Inwardly: Dear God, please stop me from shooting this idiot!!)
*smiling*,  how are you and hows the family??
Random idiot: They are good, owh so you are married now?
Me: Yes
Random idiot: So how are the little ones?
Me: I don't have any little ones.
Random idiot: OMG, yaani kumbe you are just this fat??? You should join the gym.
Why haven't you had a baby yet?? Stop being lazy and give that man some...
Me: (Remember: it's still illegal to kill them) Thank you and goodbye.
(Walk away. Quickly. Don't turn back. and NO, don't throw that stone. Just smile and wave.)

I start walking away feeling conscious. Feeling fat, irritated, reminded of how I still don't fit in and no matter what I do, I will always stand out. I start missing those days and start wishing that I was as thin as when I thought I was fat. Because no matter how irritating and common that conversation is, I have to face it: its true. I can barely fit into anything in my wardrobe, and yes I don't have kids yet. So I start getting into depressed mode and mentally hating myself all the way to wherever I am going.

Then an external stimuli engulfs me and reminds me that its okay. Normally that reminder comes in the shape of my husband, mother or some close friend. Then depression shifts into anger. I remember how I see this scenario everywhere and I have been receiving it in different forms. It used to be: You are such a tomboy which normally got me labeled as a slut. Then it was you are so non-Muslim like which apparantly stamped my ticket with "straight-to-hell". Then it was you are so wild, which got me labeled as you will never get married. When I got married, they asked questions like what's wrong with the man who married you??? When they saw him, it turned into how could a man like that ever be interested in a woman like you??? Now it is, you have been married for more than a year, why don't you have kids yet, what is wrong with you? he is soo marrying another wife.

I am sure you have been there before if are still reading this. The judgmental conversations and questions coming from seemingly well-meaning people. Why aren't you married? When will you settle down? Why are you dating that guy/girl? What is wrong with you? How much do you make? Why do you drive such a shitty car? You are such an embarassement. Why haven't you lost weight? you've become so dark. The list is endless.

In short its pretty exhausting. The petty bypassing comments. People feeling free to point fingers as if their hands are clean. You might be wondering why I even get so enraged, that I should be used to it by now. Its like that swahili saying that goes "nina roho sina jiwe mengine nipunguziwe." - meaning I have a heart not a stone so reduce some things for me. This is the five hundred and ninety eight thousand times of unwanted barrage of thoughts flown my way. I can only take so much. This is one of the few places I can rant, and well, you are listening to me, and who knows maybe even feeling a little sympathetic. Honestly, I may not be able to say this to your face, but thank you. so much.

So let me answer this one: why haven't I had a baby yet and that bothers you;

Please do this: make me have one if you can.

Because of I tried to explain the reasons to your abnormally small brain, I wonder if you will even understand.