Starting Over

I have been absent for a long time. From writing. From my  simple passion.

The contradictory part was that I had so much time on my hands. So many thoughts, so many things going on. So much to write about But I could not string two sentences together.

As I had turned my back on writing I had done the same in all other aspects of my life. Built more walls to see who would care enough to break them down.

I had been through to hell and now I am back. I am still standing.

I am not whole anymore as how I knew myself. This woman I have become I do not know who is all the time. She is new to me.

She is more reserved. More outspoken. More uncensored. More reserved. Such a walking breathing and living contradiction.

This woman is now responsible for another human being. It is a big responsibility. I feel that I am already failing but I am willing to take guidance. I try to remember that a mother is born the day the child is born, so I cut myself some slack.

On how I look, it depends on the day. Most days I love myself. Some days I hate how I have come to look. The constant criticism gets to me. I am human.

All the things I knew about love wasn't enough. I am learning so much more of the deep capacity of my heart to love. Sometimes love is simply being there. Silent. Giving and until there is nothing left to give, and then giving some more.

I want to breathe new life to this space. Write more. Share more. Explore more. Live more.

Life in Now

It is amazing how much time we waste on unimportant things. The time we spend showing off to our friends and family. The time we create an unrealistic image of our lives on social networks. The time we worry about all the things that we have no control over. Life is not about keeping score. We are so focused on everything else, preparing, creating, dieting, saving, waiting we forget that in life we don't have second chances of moments lost. There is no rehearsal. It is a live show, so lets live accordingly to whatever we believe in. Celebrate being here, now, it could me much worse. 

Re-finding my passion in writing

Here's to New Things...

This year I have made a number of goals for myself that I would like to see through. I would rather not call them resolutions since I will abandon them by end of February.

I want to learn from the mistakes that I made this year, and learn from them. Make new ones in 2014.

I want to learn to balance my life, as a mother, a wife, person and working full time.

I want to go to grad school.

Be healthy, be active, eat better, losing weight should not be my ultimate goal, I want to challenge myself to love me and be comfortable with me at any size - as healthy as possible.

Be kinder to myself as I age.

Be grateful for all my blessings.

Forgive all those who have hurt me and let go.

Write more.

Inspire my child and husband.

Listen more and talk less.

I want to be good enough and aim for excellence, not strive for perfection. 

Daddy's Little Girl

I love you, Dad, and want you to know, 

I feel your love wherever I go, 

Whenever I've problems, you're there to assist, 

The ways you have helped me would make quite a list. 

Your wisdom and knowledge have shown me the way, 

and I'm thankful for you as I live day by day. 

I don't tell you enough how important you are, 

In my universe you're a bright shining star. 

No matter where I go in life, 

who I got married to and how much time I spent with him, 

The life I build with him and how much I love him, 

You will still always be my number one man. 

12.12.12

Yesterday was 12th day of the 12th Month in 2012.
In short 12.12.12!!! Yeeey!!!
Everyone said that it was an extremely important day,
Because it was the last sequential date we will ever see,
13.13.13, or 14.14.14 e.t.c are dates that will never be
Everyone made it to be such a big deal, in Facebook, Twitter,
text messages, and all social networks the whole world over.
Because everyone realised that it was the last repetitive date ever.

Everyone made a big deal of it except me, Yes, maybe I am I do have issues,
But the way I see it, everyday is a non-repetitive, each day is one issued limited edition,
each moment never repeats again in our lifetime,
Yes, we are only human, we forget and time makes a fool of us all,
but its important to remember, to treat each day with special care,
too see everything through new eyes like we are seeing it for the first time,
and see everything through wizened eyes like we are seeing it for the last time.

Life is measured in time. Lets make a pledge to make each moment count.
Sure we will have the big moments like 12.12.12 coming once in a while,
but everyday moments are as important as darkness is to the night,
Lets celebrate and live life in the moments, never taking anything for granted,
No one is promised tomorrow, no one knows what tomorrow will bring,
and no one knows when this charade will end, or where one shall meet death,
so let us rejoice in each day above the ground, in each day we are given a clean slate,
each day we can start over again, we can redeem ourselves of our sins,
we can forgive our loved ones for the pains, we can make a stranger our own,
Each day, we can start to love and live again.

Don't Get Married If...

Today I am appreciating the work of another author, I really connected with this great piece and I wished I was eloquent enough to write such a piece. I think this is a great piece, a must read, fresh reasonable outlook ...and I loved it. What do you guys think?

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IF you are not ready to delay gratification when you are angry. To hold your tongue, lower your voice and sometimes wait till the appropriate time, day or even month before you can deal with an issue thoroughly...don't get married. Immaturity is the inability to delay gratification. Marriage is for the mature.

If you're not ready to leave center stage and allow someone else to become your focus, your study, you muse...don't get married. Selfish people make very bad spouses. In marriage you don't lose yourself - but your heart has to be big enough to gain someone else. And soon, with God's blessing, little, crying, diaper soiling, demanding little ones are coming! 

If you are not ready, to stand up and calmly deal with meddling in laws as a united front: The opinionated sister, the insensitive uncle, the domineering father, the manner less brother, the nosy aunt...don't get married. Boundaries do not exist automatically, they must be created. A good spouse is committed to respectfully stand up for and protect their marriage from meddling relatives. Don't abandon your spouse to your relatives. It's betrayal. 

If you are not ready to pay bills...don't get married. Love does not pay bills. Kenya power will not give a waiver because your love is O so strong and you gaze at each other, O so romantic.  

If you are not ready to let go of your opposite sex "best friends" and invest that into your spouse; to like, to laugh, to play, to be silly and to enjoy life with them above anyone else..don't get married. Affairs happen because people did not marry their best friends. Someone else holds their heart. Someone else gets them better. Someone else inspires them more. Marry your best friend and cultivate your friendship so that you remain best friends.

If you are not ready to stop competing with the Joneses...don't get married. Let the Joneses buy their yacht when you are still walking; and enjoy the walk. Your journeys are different. They may have to cross oceans but you may be going through a road route. A boat might not do you any good on your journey. You must be ready to pace yourselves: stop competing, stop spending your future before you get there, stop the debt, stop trying to impress people. You must be able to be content. To enjoy your journey without deciding your happiness simply by measuring your progress against other people. 

If you are not ready to be an open book; to tell the whole story of your past, deal with the memories, expose the failures and risk rejection...don't get married. It is fraud to have someone sign off their life to you without the full details. The past is a touchy and demanding friend. It always shows up in a marriage. It doesn't enjoy being ignored and the more you snob it, the bolder it becomes and the more tantrums it throws. It will mess up the "neat" and "all together lovely" image that you are struggling to maintain.

If you are not ready to let go of your philandering and wild oats farming...don't get married. Don't take somebody's son or daughter and subject them to your germs, your indiscretions and your chips fungaz. It never ends well. It's romanticized in the movies, it's being fronted as the only "realistic" way to stay married and keep the fire burning. But truth be told, the only thing that the fire will burn will be you, your spouse, and your children. That family will burn for generations in bitterness, disease, fear, failure, hatred, broken hearts and broken dreams. 

Finally, if you are not ready to let go of the adrenalin rush of a risque life and to settle down...don't get married. The great Colombus (who we are told "discovered" America, have you ever wondered if the Native Indians who were in it knew that it existed?) had a diary that was long sought for. People wanted to read about wild journeys, the sea tempest, the reckless pirates they fought, the deaths, and the danger they must have encountered. When it was found there was great disappointment  Majority of the pages simply had 5 words: "This day, we sailed on."

Marriage, like life in general, has many "we sail on" days. You have to learn to find the thrill in the normal everydayness of it. If you depend in wild romance, all night sex (Ha!), romantic cruises, wild parties, compulsive moves across continents, tempestuous fights and make up sessions to be happy, you may be disappointed. You have to learn to thrill in gentle smiles, loving hugs, knowing looks, cozy moments, shared chores, cute babies, everyday work, dreaming together, praying together and simply living together. If these things are not thrilling, exciting and satisfying, you will look for a way out. The "boom twaff" moments are still there, but they are normally punctuations to the usualness of living. They cannot be your reason for getting married. They are unsustainable on an everyday basis. The one you choose must be thrilling to you even in the most mundane of moments. 

I pray this helps someone. Remember singles, YOU HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF CHOICE. Never let anyone pressure you into marriage. You are either ready of you're not: You decide! But please don't marry somebody and then punish them to live with your childish ways for the rest of their lives. A childish baby is cute but a childish adult is extremely frustrating. 

Marriage is for the mature and in many ways, we the married, are still being confronted with the demand to grow up everyday. If you are not ready for that demand...don't get married.

by 

Judy Karanja

I Had Hit The Pause Button of My Life

It was one of those times in life just seems to move by too fast. Where everything flashes by my eyes and I look at my life like a stranger and I do not understand that it is mine. Overwhelmed with overflowing emotions that I do not understand, so alien yet so close to home.  My heart filled with loss, hopelessness, pain, love, anger. I wish I didn't have to finish every prayer with "Lord, why does it have to be me?" So misunderstood, so confused I didn't know how to reach out. So used to be strong I didn't know how to face my loved ones when I was so broken. I was that constant oak to everyone yet who can I lean on?  So closed off, so distant, I started to enjoy being alone. What was the point of everyone? What is the point of seeing my pain reflected in the eyes of those who love me each time they look at me? What's the point in letting you know, when really I don't want your sympathy. Maybe empathy. I am tired of my tears. I am tired of my pain. I am tired of my loneliness. I am tired of being tired. 

I had hit the pause button of my life. I had closed off, shut myself away from everyone. Then again Akhera karibu, what is my legacy? Is this how I want to go out. They say if you really want something bad enough and believe in it, it will manifest if we believe. So all I want is this:
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.

The Miracle of Life

I dream of a day like this...

when our hardened lives and hearts are touched by something so pure, 

by a miracle so beautiful and we were allowed a part in creating...

I dream of watching an innocent soul steal your heart by just a glance, 

melt the anger by that smile...

enveloped in softness, in life.

I dream of a day like this...maybe one day... 

Ever Wondered...

Ever wondered how the sun knows where to rise and where to set?
Ever wondered how the night sky is always glittery dark?
Ever wondered how the waves always kiss the shoreline?
Ever wondered how the sky stays up, without pillars?
Ever wondered how the birds always get food?
Ever wondered how the seeds always know what to grow into?
Ever wondered how the sperm and egg become a person?
Ever wondered how the heart runs your whole body?
Ever wondered how the tears taste salty?
Ever wondered how lungs know which inhaled air to store?
Ever wondered how you know the things you know?
Ever wondered how a new born baby knows to suck mammas breasts and not blow?
Ever wondered how marvelous this world is full of miracles?
Ever wondered how the magnificent butterfly stems from a caterpillar?

Keep The Faith

I think these words ring true and hold testament in paraphrasing what Allah said in Suratu Luq-man verse 34:

"Verily, Allah! With Him (Alone) is the knowledge of the Hour, He sends down the rain, and knows that which is in the wombs. No person knows what he will earn tomorrow, and no person knows in what land he will die. Verily, Allah is All-Knower, All-Aware (of things.)

If I Should Have a Son...

If I should have a son, and he has every right in the world to call me mum, 

I would want him to know that he is always allowed to follow his dreams,
he can sail to the furthest shores and I will always be his anchor, grounding him,
he can fly to across the universe chasing them, marking his footprints on the milky way,
and I will be his trampoline, always there to cushion his fall, because my son he will fall,
and I want him to know that no matter how many times he falls, I want him to get back up,
he is allowed to cry, my baby has the  right to express all his frustrated emotions,
because a real man needs to understand how he feels before he can understand someone else.

I will tell him that this life will hit you hard, try to break your spirit, and as he rises up,
life will hit him again, trying to break his resolve, because that is the only way to truly find out
what it means to fight for what he believes, and for the impossible to be achieved.

I will teach the history of our ancestors, their strife, their struggle, their slavery and their revolution,

so that before he takes for granted everything he has, he will always know that he is blessed,
I will teach him to love people, all people, to be kind, to have empathy and to care for others, 

because if he does and his turn comes to taste strife, because for sure life will test him,
so when life does tests him, he will always find a helping, a kind smile and a pick-me-up,
so he must learn to forgive mistakes, forgive others and forgive himself.

I will tell him baby, be curious, be adventurous, I want you to try and find the cure for cancer,
or reach out to others beyond you borders, and find out as much as you can about this world. 

I want him to always speak his mind, something even his mothers is scared of doing at times,
but he is his father son, and he should try to be himself no matter what.
People will hate his big eyes, filled with wonder, hate his heart resounding with compassion,
and they will try to throw him hatred disguised in concern, feed him coldness sprinkled with fear,
but I will teach him to rise above it all, to prize his innocence and inexperience. 

I will tell him baby, I gave birth to you as well as your sister, so you are equal,
there will be no preferential treatment because you are a boy,

I will make him do the chores, so he can appreciate the work a woman goes through,
he is her protector, her shield and together its an amazing power they yield.
I will point to him the harsh realities, of other men who beat on their wives,
who abandon their children, who never want to make any sacrifices,
it is imperative that he understands that being a man is more than being male,
and he has to try and get it right, he has to find a woman who will be his equal,
his companion, his compass, his shoulder to lean on, his arms to carry him, his balance,
I will also warn him of women he needs to stay clear of, the ones who are easy on the eyes
are not always easy on the heart, his woman is not to be shared with his friend,
and no matter how hard he tries he cannot change her, so he should be more careful when
he chooses her, I will always be there when his heart is broken, try to comfort him,
mend him so he can go out there and do it all over again.

And baby, always remember that money is not the cure to your troubles in the world,
the most important things in life cannot be bought, even though money helps, 

hugs, smiles, love, laughter, good memories, cannot be bought,
He can go and see the world, but his friends and his family should be his North,
so no matter how far away he travels, he can always find his way when he is lost.

So he should cherish the friends he makes, keep them close,
Never to forget his roots, his family and the place he calls home,

to always hold family in high esteem, no matter how annoying or irritating they are,
he should always be good to them - because his momma will not live forever,
and the world is harsh, he must look after himself, keep people close,  

to always remember there is an Almighty watching over him.
Although others will laugh at his idealistic view of life, I want him to laugh
at them and look at them in the face and say, "Wait till you meet my mother!".

Reason to be Grateful

This life is hard, hard and it kicks you in the face,
wait for you to get back up and kick you in the stomach,
but getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way
to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air.
There is hurt here and spiderman, batman, superman is not coming,
and you may have to save yourself all by yourself.
Rain will always wash away everything if you let it and
when your body has internal flooding, it rains on your face,
salty water mapping tracks of emotions that can no longer be bottled.


There will be days like this when you open your hands
and you will only end up with blisters and bruises,
when you try to fly and the very people you are trying to save
are the ones standing in your cape,
there will be days when your boots will be filled with disappointment,
and they hand you handouts filled with war, hatred and heartache,
sprinkled with cynicism and defeat - then those are the days,
Those are the days when you have no other reasons
but to say thank you, like the way the night refuses to give up
no matter how many times the day runs away from it,
is how you should rise up no matter how many times you collapse.

Yes I make mistakes but life doesn't come with instructions,
and on the scale of one to over trusting I am pretty naive,
which is why people always take me for granted,
but this life is a journey and imagine if we traveled it,
imagine if we took life and lived it instead of examining it,
imagine if you could see the color of the wind while you ride it,
imagine if you gave other people opportunities you wish you had,
imagine if we lived life by every minute like it was the last,
imagine if we gave the poor the same opportunities as the rich,
imagine if removed the masks of "public benafactors"
and proved that they were just Robin Hoods,
then we will know that this life is hard but so very beautiful. 

Celebrating L.I.F.E!!!

I am not my mother, I do not have her thoughts and feelings
I am not my father, I do not have his thoughts and feelings,
I am not my teachers, I do not limit myself to what they taught me,
I am not my friends, I will not pretend to understand all they share with me,
I am not limited by my early religious education, I found God in my own time,
I am not here to perfect or meet others expectations, I have my own light to shine,
I don't need to drive myself, everything happens as it should
I don't fear a thing, I am capable of coping with each situation as it unfolds.

I am the centre of my world, I have every right to be here as anybody else
I have total confidence in my own abilities, I have the power to create what I will for myself
I deserve to experience satisfation in my own life, I now settle for what I want not just what I can get. 

I value who I am and what I have to give,  I am an attractive, successful, intuitive, loving and
creative human being, feeling good about myself feels totally safe
I am good, I always get enough, hell I am enough, everything I touch is a success

Because I love myself;
I nourish my body with good food, sleep and exercise,
I provide myself with good experiences,
I create a graceful living space for myself
I love and approve of my body and do only what I enjoy doing,
I allow myself to relax when I need to there is no limit to how good I can feel
I love and approve of myself every moment, I trust myself to be spontaneous and free

Life is good and it gets better everyday
I deserve the best of everything, simply for who I am
I forgive everybody whom I mistakenly thought tried to hurt me
I let go of all limiting or negative ideas that create negative effects in my life
I let go of all resentments, grief and guilt because I am divinely protected
I am grateful for the miracles that happen every day
My future is bright, safe, healthy, prosperous and loving.

God wants me to be happy, and if I surrender to the will of God
I truly believe that the will of God will not take me
where the Grace of God cannot protect me
Because God wants me to be happy;
I accept myself totally from today on, Just as I am
I feel gratitude for my life and for my many blessings,
I am free to live my life as I choose
Whatever we do has a ripple effect, whether win or lose,
we are all part of a Whole, the Universe,
and when we celebrate being alive, the whole existence celebrates with us.

Balance

We all know about a balanced diet...how about a balanced life?? 

Most of us struggle with different at times parallel notions that we want at any given time. You  may want that latest stylish dress yet you don't want to be frivolous in your spending. You want the career, the fame, the adrenalin rush yet you want to stay humble. You want to be independent, have your money, manage your life, have your opinions and thoughts yet you care and value families and friends and their opinions of you; its like wanting to be dependent and independent.  

Most men think that women have it easier. They can multitask. Talk to you on the phone, be cooking, breastfeeding a baby, video taping her favourite show, keep an eye on the kids and have multiple to do list going off on her mind as well as thinking of the events for the day tomorrow. Men are daunted by this and are ultimately amazed at this capacity, they like to think that they have a one track mind and they can only do one thing at a time - or maybe three at the maximum.  

Yet in order to be truly happy its about juggling and balancing the opposites. Its about being both grounded and being able to soar to new heights at the same time. In short I think it is possible, if you plan yourself out right, you can manage to do most of the prioritized things in your life and be happy in whatever manner that happiness means for you. So don't limit yourself but do know when enough is enough and step away.  

In short, Life is a balance of holding on and letting go. 

Me, Myself and I...Part I

All my life, I have been scared, of being me, 

I have been worried that people don't like what they see

when they look straight through what i pretend to be

Controlled deep down and bounded to never be free 

I starved myself because I wanted to be perfect,

I wore no makeup to hide my insecurity,

I used to keep to myself because I was scared,

I talked to guys more because girls hated me, 

As I watched my own life pass me by,

Like a passenger, watched the scenery blur away,

created everyday by a committee in my head,

 through the choices I made, based on nothing that I wanted. 

My life came with instruction manual

Name me a time, a day, a second, 

I know what I am supposed to be doing, 

I went through the motions, feeling trapped. 

I mentally killed myself a hundred times, 

I wanted out, out of this body, this framed destiny, 

every moment was pre-ordained, without my approval, 

my consent was in the people driving me. 

I couldn't see them, touch them or feel them, 

but I could hear them loudly every time I took a turn,

every time I tried to find out what I wanted, 

who am I and whose life was I living?

Life broke me down, and I had to find a source

 of strength to pull myself up because

 I do not want to regret growing older, 

its a blessing denied from many.

Whose life am I living? everything in life is temporary,
if its good - it will change, if it is bad, it will change. 

Nobody said life would be easy, they promised it would be worth it
This road I am on will hopefully get me to where I want to be.

Quotes that make you go hmmmm

Fallen, broken

I am a fallen Angel

When do I stop? When does anyone ever stop? Are we ever satisfied with our lives at any given moment? We tend to have this urge to be better, to be more, to demand for more and the moment we get what we want - we tend to set our goals to other heights. 

I write this because have you realised that when you are single, people ask about a girlfriend or boyfriend. When you have a fiancee they ask about a wedding. When you get married, they ask when you will have a baby? When you have a child, they ask when a little brother or sister is coming? When you have another one, they ask why you are having all this children? When you get divorced, they ask why? If you moved on, they ask why so quickly? When you choose a career over marriage, they tell you time is running out and you cannot do it all??

Will they ever stop??? Will people ever let you be? So you can live your life according to how you want it to be? Personally I am choosing to stop caring what they say about me, about my life. Because people will never stop talking. Where they are laughing at me because I am different, I am laughing at them because they are all the same. I am me, and I am doing me. I don't give a sugar honey iced tea about what they say. It is my life, only I should have the final word in how to live it. 

I love my life, I want to appreciate each moment, be it good or bad, I want to bask in remembrance, that I am here, and so God has a plan for me, and for that to work out - He needs me to always bring my A - Z game. He will supply the rest. So I may be broken right now - but I will heal.