Thursday, April 2, 2015

My heart

All I want is to hold her forever in my arms and keep her safe from harm. I want her to be my little girl forever, so trusting, kind, generous, loud, opinionated and so many things that my parents say she is just like me in so many ways...yet I cannot seem to see that person in me anymore. 

As I continue to miss so many milestones from her life...she can talk now properly and she is so lively and such a go getter who loves to wear her new clothes...and i tell myself she can still recognise my voice when I talk to her on the phone...but all she does is quietly listen to my voice, rechecks the phone to see where I am...sometimes whisper mama and my heart breaks. Each single time. I left my heart behind. The slip of a girl who made me a woman enough to be a mother to her. I used to think I will never bear to leave her for long stretches of time...because being away from her for a day used to be torture and now it has been almost 400 days since I last felt her hug, her kiss, her running to me and wanting me and no body else...our talks that never made sense to anybody else, my constant companion, our little dates, I miss that. 

She has adjusted more...she is happy and is loved and surrounded by people who answer to her every single need...and I am grateful for that. There are moments I give in to my crazy and wonder what it would be like to hold you in my arms, will you know I am your mother, or will you pull the same stunt when you refused to breastfeed because I went away for work for two weeks and you were mad at me...and didn't want me...and now you still have at least 9 months until you see me again...I idly wonder if you will accept me...will you love me? Will you forgive me for leaving because I am sure you do not understand that I am doing all this for you. I have never known love like this heart. Please don't stop beating, I am broken enough with you so far away. 


Sometimes there is nothing left. Nothing to draw on. Nothing to keep you afloat. Nothing that can make you believe that the end is near...because it keeps getting further away. The war that rages inside has no downtime...always simmering quietly and erupting at the most inconvenient of times and places. Yet looking at one could even question that such a war is happening...looking at the smile on my face, the exuberant way I face each day, seemingly full of one can feel the helplessness and hopelessness biting at me from every nerve in my body. 

The moments I do chose to let my guard down...and to let someone into my darkness they are appalled that the facade I present to the world is a lie. And they think its so easy to just simply prescribe what I need to have faith. Everything will be okay. God will never forsake me. I should know better than to feel this way. How dare I? They thought better of me...stronger, more substantial than the mess that they realise is underneath all the smiles...urging me to stop the crazy talk and bring back the person they know...and before you know it...the smile is back on and I reassure them it was just crazy talk and I wanted to see their reaction. I get called some names and then they get in comfortable set of "normality" while I have to lock in my demons and helplessness, the black holes of anguish suffocating all the light from me...and keep a plastered smile on my face that all is well until they believe it. 
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