Sometimes there is nothing left. Nothing to draw on. Nothing to keep you afloat. Nothing that can make you believe that the end is near...because it keeps getting further away. The war that rages inside has no downtime...always simmering quietly and erupting at the most inconvenient of times and places. Yet looking at me...no one could even question that such a war is happening...looking at the smile on my face, the exuberant way I face each day, seemingly full of hope...no one can feel the helplessness and hopelessness biting at me from every nerve in my body.
The moments I do chose to let my guard down...and to let someone into my darkness they are appalled that the facade I present to the world is a lie. And they think its so easy to just simply prescribe what I need to do...to have faith. Everything will be okay. God will never forsake me. I should know better than to feel this way. How dare I? They thought better of me...stronger, more substantial than the mess that they realise is underneath all the smiles...urging me to stop the crazy talk and bring back the person they know...and before you know it...the smile is back on and I reassure them it was just crazy talk and I wanted to see their reaction. I get called some names and then they get in comfortable set of "normality" while I have to lock in my demons and helplessness, the black holes of anguish suffocating all the light from me...and keep a plastered smile on my face that all is well until they believe it.