Thursday, February 16, 2012

I Will Always Love You

I am writing this for you. I know that anyone may read this but I want you to know that I am writing this for you. No one else will understand. No one else knows. They think this is for them. But no, its not. I am writing this for you. I feel the need to come clean today. 

You were that one person that understood me the most. You have always been there for me, always appreciated me, always had my back, and seen a person in me that I would have never seen in myself. You gave me the freedom for my free spirit. You didn't try to tame me.  You made me comfortable enough to remove the facade that I save for everyone else. You taught me so much, the only person who could make me feel like I mean the world and yet be insignificant at the same time. You taught me to take things slow, to not always talk so much but to listen, to not always be in a rush but to silently bless everything around me. You taught me the true meaning of perseverance.

I had loved others before you, but only you seemed to have that profound effect in my life. It wasn't always good between us. Sometimes all I wanted to do was hurt you. Sometimes you took me for granted. Sometimes you wouldn't give me what I needed. Other times you made me feel like I didn't matter. You were so confident that I would always be there that you stopped noticing me, yet I loved you more than life itself and I showed you. I was so vulnerable with you, enough for you to leave with lifelong scars should you hurt me, yet trusting you not to do so. You wouldn't do the same with me. Its true what they say, love is a sweet tyranny, because the lover endures his/her torments willingly.

What can I say, every time I look at myself in the mirror, I see a part of you smiling back at me. I loved you more than I loved myself, you approval was what I lived for. I wanted to make you smile, to bring you out of yourself. I went out of my way to always make you happy, always make you pleased with me, always make you love me, so you can never dream of leaving me. You loved me for no big reason, and I lived each day to give you reasons to love me.

Then something happened. You, or maybe me, we broke. I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every part of my body was broken too. On the good nights I wished you all the joy, that you would find all the happiness you desire that you couldn't have with me. On the bad nights,  I wished I was a little kid again, skinned knees are much easier to fix than broken hearts. Have you ever been hurt as a kid, and the place tries to heal a bit, and just pull the scar off of it all over and over again. You made go so far as to wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and all I am is just a reflection of her.  You made me question everything in my life. I became reclusive - like a hermit crab. Hiding behind my shell, forcing people to believe in the smile on my face and turn a deaf ear to the deadning cries of my heart. No one could help me fix it. No one knew what to do. I had to decide when it was enough. When I will stop giving life to all the hurt you served me on a cold platter. It was my call.

In the end I had to accept the inevitable. That even though I gave it my all, I lost you. I tried to tell myself that giving up doesn't always mean that I am weak, that it means I am strong enough to let you go. After everything that we went through, I have never stopped loving you. Ask me why I keep on loving you when its clear that you may not feel the same way about me; its this little problem - as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you. There I was, the most independent and smart woman I know, broken into tiny little pieces, wrecking havoc in anything good that still remained in my life. My friends didn't know what to do with me.

I can't forgive and forget. I have picked one. I am going to forgive you, and forgive myself for all the things we did and did not do for each other. I have come to terms with all that has happned, we both have new people in our lives, they do their best for us. What we had is over and finished long ago, I am putting my all in what I have been blessed with right now. He is not you, but I am a firm believer that the Lord always knows what he is doing.  He chose him to be in my life and not you. I love him so much more that he was patient enough to wait for me to sort out my muddled emotions. I love him because he never judged, but tried to understand. All he did was put me first. All he did was love me. All he did was give me a brand new heart and allowed me to keep my shattered pieces that you left behind. All he did was love me in his own fashion, and then made me find the faith to believe in love again. His love.

Finally, I want you know that I will always love you, and I will always love him more.

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