Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I Had Hit The Pause Button of My Life

It was one of those times in life just seems to move by too fast. Where everything flashes by my eyes and I look at my life like a stranger and I do not understand that it is mine. Overwhelmed with overflowing emotions that I do not understand, so alien yet so close to home.  My heart filled with loss, hopelessness, pain, love, anger. I wish I didn't have to finish every prayer with "Lord, why does it have to be me?" So misunderstood, so confused I didn't know how to reach out. So used to be strong I didn't know how to face my loved ones when I was so broken. I was that constant oak to everyone yet who can I lean on?  So closed off, so distant, I started to enjoy being alone. What was the point of everyone? What is the point of seeing my pain reflected in the eyes of those who love me each time they look at me? What's the point in letting you know, when really I don't want your sympathy. Maybe empathy. I am tired of my tears. I am tired of my pain. I am tired of my loneliness. I am tired of being tired. 

I had hit the pause button of my life. I had closed off, shut myself away from everyone. Then again Akhera karibu, what is my legacy? Is this how I want to go out. They say if you really want something bad enough and believe in it, it will manifest if we believe. So all I want is this:
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.

A Broken Strong Woman

Just because I come off strong doesn't mean that I didn't fall asleep crying,
and maybe when I act like nothing is wrong, maybe I have become really good at lying.
It starts off small like saying "I'm fine" when inside I am crumbling, It's hard to answer "what's wrong?" when nothing is right. So much that I sometimes think that if I died no one will notice that I'm gone.

You know the worst type of crying?When your lips start to shake and the tears build up quickly and fall fast. You are bent over or crouched trying to suck it in and to not make a sound but it hurts too much to just let it in. Maybe I keep it all in but am constantly caught up in moments where tears are so close to the surface every time I try to speak, that's why I remain silent. That is why I cannot confide in you. That is why I cannot look into your eyes because my eyes cannot hide the depth of pain welled up inside.

That's why I love the peace, the security and the privacy offered by my bathroom. In the bathroom I can give in to my emotions with no fear of anyone trying to stop me, trying to understand me, trying to judge or trying to remind me that I am supposed to be a strong woman. Only in the bathroom can I really be who I am right now - a broken strong woman. On the floor quietly howling my broken heart out, tears mingling with water, guilt mixed with confusion, restraint kept at bay by abandon, then and only then can I go through the healing ritual of giving in to my breaking point.

Why do I have to feel ashamed that I cry? I am crying now but I will smile again. Isn't it true that we fall down so we can learn to pick ourselves again?  I am broken now but I shall rise again. Like a phoenix reborn from the ashes when it burst into flame, so will I find my smile again. I will live again. I will laugh again. I will forget again. I will hurt again and I will heal again.

That time of the month...

Missing what I never had...

I had already planned so much for us. I was already having flashbacks of memories that we were going to have. I was already imagining what it would feel like to have you, to hold you, to kiss you, and to know you. Yet now I will not have that luxury. I miss you so much even though I never had you. I miss the flutterings you left in my belly reminding me that you were there. I miss looking forward to each day, counting down the days till I will meet you. but now that day will never come. I miss your laughter that I have never heard. I miss seeing you in the room that I had built just for you, even though you have never set foot in it. How is it that I find myself constantly trying to make myself forget someone that I have never met? Someone who was destined to be the center of my life. Baby, I never had you, and I miss you so much more everyday. 

Christina Rossetti - Remember

REMEMBER me when I am gone away,   
Gone far away into the silent land;   
When you can no more hold me by the hand,   
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.   
Remember me when no more day by day 
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:   
Only remember me; you understand   
It will be late to counsel then or pray.   
Yet if you should forget me for a while   
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave   
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,   
Better by far you should forget and smile   
Than that you should remember and be sad. 

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Live a Life that Matters

Ready or not, someday it will all come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.
All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.
Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.

It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear.
So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire.
The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.

 It won't matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived, at the end.
 It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant
Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

 So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built; not what you got, but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success, but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.
What will matter is not your competence, but your character.
 What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.

What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.
Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident. It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice.

Choose to live a life that matters. 
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