What Love is This

Hurt me deep and expect me to turn my pain into poetry,
Take me for granted and expect me to treasure you,
Never look my way yet expect me to be in tune with your every emotion,
Love me selfishly and expect me to love you wholeheartedly.

Do my tears excite you? Does my sorrow enthrall you?
Why do you act like all you want is for me to be in perpetual anguish,
When was the last time you saw a smile on my face that reached my eyes?
Am I not a worthy woman in your eyes to deserve kindness?

How did we get here? We used to embody love in its entirety,
We used to be so intertwined in mind and body, in tune with each breath,
emotion, look, touch, caress...You were my everything.
You used to complete me, my every reason for existing.

Now, as I think of you, tears stream down my face at the last fight,
It's the only way we know how to communicate,
I silently sob into my pillow as you snore into yours,
I start to dissect every single thing that brought us to this point.

We seem to be in a stalemate, having the same fight over and over again,
Each of us unable to hear the other, each unwilling to give in,
Finally I drift into a fitful sleep haunted by graphic nightmares,
Reminding that its a lull in the storm, we will wake to hurt one another again.

A Broken Strong Woman

Just because I come off strong doesn't mean that I didn't fall asleep crying,
and maybe when I act like nothing is wrong, maybe I have become really good at lying.
It starts off small like saying "I'm fine" when inside I am crumbling, It's hard to answer "what's wrong?" when nothing is right. So much that I sometimes think that if I died no one will notice that I'm gone.

You know the worst type of crying?When your lips start to shake and the tears build up quickly and fall fast. You are bent over or crouched trying to suck it in and to not make a sound but it hurts too much to just let it in. Maybe I keep it all in but am constantly caught up in moments where tears are so close to the surface every time I try to speak, that's why I remain silent. That is why I cannot confide in you. That is why I cannot look into your eyes because my eyes cannot hide the depth of pain welled up inside.

That's why I love the peace, the security and the privacy offered by my bathroom. In the bathroom I can give in to my emotions with no fear of anyone trying to stop me, trying to understand me, trying to judge or trying to remind me that I am supposed to be a strong woman. Only in the bathroom can I really be who I am right now - a broken strong woman. On the floor quietly howling my broken heart out, tears mingling with water, guilt mixed with confusion, restraint kept at bay by abandon, then and only then can I go through the healing ritual of giving in to my breaking point.

Why do I have to feel ashamed that I cry? I am crying now but I will smile again. Isn't it true that we fall down so we can learn to pick ourselves again?  I am broken now but I shall rise again. Like a phoenix reborn from the ashes when it burst into flame, so will I find my smile again. I will live again. I will laugh again. I will forget again. I will hurt again and I will heal again.

Betrayed

I sit and wonder, what have i done to deserve this, 

I feel broken, hurt, wounded, 

and you are the centre of my pain, 

You caused it - the one person I run to

when my world topples upside down. 

Now you are the centre of my confusion, 

the centre of my turmoil, as my mind wanders, 

as my tears keep running down my cheeks, 

i sit dejected and defeated, 

sorrow, grief, anguish and anger 

all engulfing me at once. 

What wrong did I do to deserve this 

I tried to be the best friend to you, 

I never asked too much from you, I accepted you, 

Bent backwards and went out of my way
to be there for you

to make you reach for your dreams, 

to restore your faith in humanity

that we are not all the same, 

that friendship was the answer

I remember the good times, 

the times we laughed till we cried, 

how you would never let me do stupid things alone, 

how you could see behind the pain that I hide, 

people looked at us funny, said we didn't act our age 

you were my family, a part of me that 

God trusted me to find.

I know all about you, 

the good, the faults and everything in between,

and I still accepted you and welcomed you

into my life, my heart, and my world

If you wanted to jump off the cliff 

I would reason with you and when it all fails, 

I would ask you to wait so I can get down

to catch you and break your fall.

Now I hear about your betrayal, 

You had to be the one person to break me to the world, 

to hang my dirty laundry in public,

all in the name of you are afraid of loosing me,

all because you feel I found new friends 

that I would totally forget about you. 

the pain is unbearable, 

being heartbroken by a friend 

is the worst tidal flushing my body

I cannot register the pain, 

I cannot stop the tears of disbelief...

I trusted you: 

enough to be vulnerable around you

my weakness is,
 I dont know how to do things half way, 

how to be stab people in the back, 

I am upfront. 

I want to confront you, 

I want to tell you I know about your lies

yet you smile to my face,

and I realise it is not worth it.

You are not worth it.

so I have gone numb to deaden the pain,

I don't want to feel like this

It's not just my heart that you broke, 

but every single part of me, my ideals and dreams,

pain so deep in places I didn't know about.

Maybe all is not bad, 

maybe I am getting saved for something better,

I want to believe that someday

I will back on all of this and smile. 

Because letting you go is hard

Part of me wants to believe that we can fix this.

But you know what?

Thank you.

Thank you for teaching me. 

Thank you for being my learning curve.

Thank you for the pain, 

because I will rise above it. 

Thank you for letting me know

that I am not invincible. 

Thank you for showing me 

that sometimes, 

when something breaks,

It is better to leave it broken 

than hurt myself trying to fix it.

...my heart speaks...

The human heart is an amazing thing; it has immense capacity to hold joy 

and unfathomable depth of hording pain.

The heart has this beautiful milky way of joy and beauty,
intertwined with black hole that you sink deep,
the more you fight it...the deeper you sink.

The swirling winds of this hole catch you unaware,

and before you realise what is happening...

you are swiftly engulfed in the deep darkness.

 This language that my heart speaks, who understands?
Does it even matter...they say love is universal,

and i think pain is even more universal. 
And sometimes pain is more enduring.

Have you ever suffered in silence, and wondered
why everyone believes the smile on your face
but cannot hear the thundering loud screams of your heart...

maybe my heart speaks a weird language...

my heart cries out in vain, no one hears..

...no one cares...

now my heart is just numb...

dont want to feel anything...

my heart is tired of screaming..

tired of being ignored...

tired of being overlooked...

now i am just going to be quiet...

quietly suffocating the song in my heart....