Be My Own Best Friend

Everywhere I go I see groups of people,  friends,
fake friends, frenemies, best friends, needy friends,  BFFs,
I see happy friends everywhere and I used to ask myself
what do I have to do to get friends right here? real friends
and now it has become what do I have to do to get friends?
I am alone, with myself, confident wallowing in my thoughts,
I am not lonely, All my best friends are at different corners of the world,
that is the price I still have to pay - for going to the best schools,
for going to international schools, because I sort my friends
by continents, and I have five best friends in different countries,
I know the geography of the rest of the world better than
I know the geography of the place I now call home.

Now I am back home,  fatigued from trying to meet new friends,
to get that initial hello, to find people who will stimulate my mind,
friends I will want to hang out with, be with - you know like things friends do,
I am tired of being broken, of hoping for my trials to be different next time
Afraid of appearing too desperate, seeming all put together,
while inside consumed of being alone, never fitting in.
no longer will I try to be at the mercy for people to like me,
no longer will I be at the mercy of needing others approval,
all that is finished, completed, finito - from now on,
I am going to be my own best friend.

I already talk to myself so I know my conversations pretty well,
I always say its nice to have friends who are like me in a way,
who understand me, accept me, don't judge me, and there is no
other person who is more like me than me. No person who knows
my thoughts more than me, understands my emotions more than me,
there is nothing that says that I cannot be my own best friend,
why have I not thought of this before? I amaze myself sometimes,
play games with myself , no one to impress but myself , no one to
encourage but myself, cry to myself, support myself,
lie to myself because I hate to hurt myself's feelings,
like how skinny I am and how God took more time and
special care when He was creating me - I am one of his favourite.

Surely if I am only my own best friend then that is selfish,
I can only be there for someone else when I can be there for me,
my first job is to make myself happy only then can i make
someone else happier, I am not doing this to be anti-social,
or to hurt anyone's feelings, or to brag about how weird and special I am,
I am only trying to look out for myself's best interests,
I am planning to be my own best friend till the very end,
...or...at least until i meet someone new or y'all come back.

My Sub-Personalities

There is a meeting convening in my head, of all the different aspects,
of me the ones I love and those I dread,
I try to quiet them and to please listen ,
to not all speak randomly but at least three at a time,
I can conjure the energy to understand the words
that they thrash at me all demanding my attention and time,
I have ignored them long enough and if I am not careful,
they will rise to the surface to demand a safe refuge,
to be maddeningly weird, distorted and whole.

I still l have a part of me that is innocent, vulnerable trusting and fresh,
capable of intimacy, spontaneity, love and warmth,
it is my capacity to go on learning, to experience a sense of wonder,
it is the soft centre in each of us, most intimate and sensitive core,
the part of us that feels; The Inner child - remains with us all our lives,
most us hide it from the outer world because it is vulnerable and easily hurt,
it is not wise in ways of the world, it wants to feel safe, loved and held,
its is not good at articulating its needs but when they are not met,
a sense of panic, loneliness, lost and confusion seep through our core,
and when our inner child feels good again, we feel good, happy and secure.

Because my Inner Child is so vulnerable and not good at coping with the world,
I, like you, have developed an the Inner parent to protect and control.
A part of me that  is an introjection of all authority figures who have influenced me,
in the past,  parents, teachers, clergy and anyone who kept me safe
It is our inner parent who makes us look both ways before crossing the street,
we continue living the rules enforced in us, and we need them to survive,
if our inner parent is too controlling, we become too over protected,
inhibited in expressing ourselves freely, we become rigid in personality,
we narrow our own needs to live up to expectations and  to conform
still trying to please people who are no longer with us.
When I address the feeling of my need to control I found fear,
fear, paranoia and guilt of wanting to be in touch with my own power

We have all learnt to please our inner parent, inner child to feel okay,
the need to please others in order to feel loved is,
a full time job, needing others approval, to meet expectations,
of our early authority figures, girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses and employers.
My desperation to be liked drains my energy, needing to sell myself short.
I am being manipulated by my inner pleaser, because of pent up anger,
because I cannot ask for what I want, frustration gives more room
for the the critic to maneuver and wallow in my despair and gloom,
My inner critic has the most power  to wreck my peace of mind,
an inner voice that makes me feel bad about everything,
its quite sadistic and always nagging about my shortcomings.

If you like me have the bad luck of having a perfectionist critic,
you can never give yourself credit. Its voice is instantly recognizable -
it is harsh, judgmental, always telling you what is wrong with you,
and how you should be, it can be relentless and there is no way
you can ever satisfy your won critic's demands, we drive ourselves
to exhaustion to attain those demands that we put on ourselves.
Until I get the message that I am perfectly imperfect,
until I can put all my little voices in check,
until I can enter in dialogue, to get to know them intimately,
why they are there, what they want from me - I can never be free.
if I listen to myself and observe myself in action a pattern so clear emerges,
I developed these parts of me to survive, I need to reduce their energy,
and take the reins back in my own hands. 

When I Grow Up

I know that IF and only If...

if I can surrender to the wave, I can ride it,

if I am serene in a storm, I can go through it.

and if I can face the sun, I can ignite it. 

When I grow up I still want to, 

be friends with my best friend,

and that awesome adult that her kids love.

When I grow up I want to,

remain at the core as a better version of 

myself when I was younger.

When I grow up I want to, 

be kinder to myself for all the mistakes, 

to be happy in my being with all my defects.  

When I grow up I want to, 

listen more and talk less, understand more

 and judge less, love more and complain less. 

When I finally grow up I want to, 

be myself, an original version of me, 

not a second rate version of anyone else. 

Different

Sometimes I want to scream. Scream that its not fair, scream at everyone to stop expecting so much from me, scream at anyone to accept me, to stop judging me to just let me be. Yes, I am a different kind of breed to the usual Zanzibari Muslim woman, married at that. Yes, I was born here, lived here and grew up in this very island - its just that I went to a different type of school. I went to the International School of Zanzibar, after that the International School of Moshi and then to the University of Dar-es-Salaam. I normally credit these facts to the reason why I turned out the way I did. Obviously if I was never schooled in those places I would have been just like everyone else(thank God I am not).

The result is not always good. I always have to explain why I speak such fluent English, even though I grew up in Tanzania. As shameful as it is, I know the geography of the rest of the world but I don't know the geography of my own country. Half my phone calls are unintelligible to those around me and I sort my friends by continent, and all my best friends are at least in 5 different countries. and then I still live in Zanzibar, where different is rare. Everyone is so sure of how their life is going to be, there are so many set rules that i always find myself breaking, so i tend to stick out like a sore thumb. Owh, I am owkay dress code wise I can fit in - but the moment I open my mouth...all hell breaks lose. I think the great majority of us are required to live a life of constant duplicity. See due to the background I had I can't help but be affected by it, yet my muslim home and society have specific expectations that always contradict my said back ground.

I was taught in school that it okay to question things, but all I see around me is that people take things as they are. I want to dress in jeans and go swimming in swim suit, but my society categorises that as an abhorred action. I want to have to be someone, most people don't understand that notion. I know people here but its hard to make friends, everyone knows everyone else, they have been together for the past 10 years...they are even scared to open their doors to me. I am always torn between my desire to be myself and my secret need to fit in sometimes, to be normal for lack of better word. This constant battle, some of my friends tell me I have a split personality. Its hard to say the opposite of what I feel, grovel before what I dislike and rejoice at what brings me nothing but misfortune - and funny enough I catch myself doing that time and again.

But on a fine day like this, I want to say to all of them that judge me all you want and keep the verdict to yourself. You may call me a loner, weird, different, but inside myself is a place i live all alone, its a place i go to for renewal. It is my heaven. They laugh at me because I am different, I laugh at them because they are all the same

Unsaid Words

Life is short and there is no time,

to leave things unsaid is like diamond in the mine.

The unsaid is left unexplained,

falling on deaf ears and empty dreams unrestrained.

The less you talk the more it hurts,

how many times do you need to tear me apart?

I knew the time had come to let go,

when all you cared about were your walls and  ego.

Nothing hurts more than being ignored,

I poured my heart out to you from the deepest stores.

You could fill a book with words I said,

You filled me with grief by words you left unsaid.

Behind my smile was a hurting heart,

and behind my laugh I was gradually falling apart.

I wish I could have given you my pain,

so you could see all my senses that you have maimed.

Those wounds didn't seem to heal,

They kept oozing with pain that was just too real.

I'll be owkay?

is that what you want me to say?

there is emotion behind my "I don't care"

my soundless cries are what you don't hear.

My silence is my loudest cry,

I am too wounded to mend ignoring you is all I try.

I make no apologies bloke,

For how I choose to repair what you broke.

love is the only covering on all my pain,

and makes me feel whole and wonderful again.

The agony that I am feeling,

donesn't compare to the joy thats coming.

I am...I am not...

I am good but I am not an angel 

I sin but I am not the devil

I hurt I am not invincible

I am pretty I am not beautiful

I am strong I am not a mountain.

I am smart I am not Einstein 

I do my best but I am not perfect

I get enraged but I have no resentments

I am different I am not out of the ordinary

I am insecure I am not shy

I sing but I am not Adele

I am me I am not anyone else

Me, Myself and I...Part I

All my life, I have been scared, of being me, 

I have been worried that people don't like what they see

when they look straight through what i pretend to be

Controlled deep down and bounded to never be free 

I starved myself because I wanted to be perfect,

I wore no makeup to hide my insecurity,

I used to keep to myself because I was scared,

I talked to guys more because girls hated me, 

As I watched my own life pass me by,

Like a passenger, watched the scenery blur away,

created everyday by a committee in my head,

 through the choices I made, based on nothing that I wanted. 

My life came with instruction manual

Name me a time, a day, a second, 

I know what I am supposed to be doing, 

I went through the motions, feeling trapped. 

I mentally killed myself a hundred times, 

I wanted out, out of this body, this framed destiny, 

every moment was pre-ordained, without my approval, 

my consent was in the people driving me. 

I couldn't see them, touch them or feel them, 

but I could hear them loudly every time I took a turn,

every time I tried to find out what I wanted, 

who am I and whose life was I living?

Life broke me down, and I had to find a source

 of strength to pull myself up because

 I do not want to regret growing older, 

its a blessing denied from many.

Whose life am I living? everything in life is temporary,
if its good - it will change, if it is bad, it will change. 

Nobody said life would be easy, they promised it would be worth it
This road I am on will hopefully get me to where I want to be.

What is Ugly?

What is ugly?

Not having designer clothes?

Not having your boobs out of your shirt?

or your ass hanging out of your shorts?

or not being able to see your ribs?

having acne?

not wearing makeup?

is that what ugly is?

maybe another word for ugly is "society".

They tell you that by definition ugly is:

 flawed, 

different,

not good enough,

unloved,

disgusting,

annoying,

misunderstood,

fat,

in short: 

Ugly is YOU.

everything-

about you. 

So hey,

stop being unhappy with yourself,

stop trying to be perfect, 

you already are, 

stop listening to them,

the cowards,

if you were meant to be like them, 

you would have been wired that way, 

stop wishing you looked like someone else,

stop hating your body, 

your face, 

your quirks, 

your personality, 

without that, you wouldn't be you. 

why would you want to be them anyway?

me?
 I don't care, 

yes, to them I am ugly, 

but who cares what they think?

I am not listening to them anymore, 

never did anyway, why start now?

my happiness doesn't depend on their acceptance of 

who i should be, 

they don't like me?

that's cool, 

I don't wake up everyday to impress em anyway!!!

i am happy because i love me, 

i love my flaws, they make me human,

my flabby arms, 

my hanging belly, 

my loud mouth, 

my random outbursts, 

i love my imperfections, 

they make me - "me"

and me is pretty amazing. 

I Miss You

I.. need you - but you... don't indulge me, 

I... worship you - but you... don't respect me,  

I... yearn for you - but you... don't desire me, 

I... want you - but you... don't feel like me, 

I... crave for you - but you... don't pine for me, 

I...  reach for you - but you... don't connect with me, 

I... care for you - but you... don't bother about me, 

I... gaze at you- but you... don't glance my way, 

I... feel you - but you... don't believe me, 

I... smile at you - but you... don't grin at me, 

I... sacrifice for you - but you... don't surrender to me,

I... reason with you - but you... don't hear me, 

I... love you - but you... don't feel affection for me...

I... miss you - but you... don't care anymore...

Why not?

Quotes that make you go hmmmm