Elusive Thin

As a society we are obsessed with "thin" and "skinny" to such a point that we have equated it with perfection.  I have traveled so long on the wrong side of the tracks I thought I was immune to pointless judgmental societal bullshit. But once in awhile...i slip and get sucked into the black hole of criticism and nagging stuff. Of-course let us not forget the double standard, its perfectly okay for a man to be as fat as he can be, because he is man. If he has a protruding belly then it shows that he has money!!! duh Yet a woman doesn't get a break, even  a pregnant one. So some of us go through depression because we have gained that extra weight and forget the little distinction that we are carrying a new life. 

So, it begs the question what level of thin is beautiful enough??? Because weirdly enough even skinny girls are feeling the pressure to be skinny. When you are too skinny, its not considered beautiful, and if there are one curves too many, then its too fat. The perfect balance is always elusive. 

Funny thing is we are not born with innate knowledge on body image. Kids don't care. Yet we are not satisfied with our flawed insecurities that we are planting them on our kids, it is becoming common practice to goad a child about weight in as young as four years old. Fat = ugly. Skinny = pretty. By the time the kids are tweens, they already want to look sexy and have an enhanced idea of fashion and whats hot. The journey to the Elusive Thin begins early nowadays. 

Why I Love My Job

They say the human body has over 50 billion white blood cells, 

and I need every single one because this job makes me sick. 

this is the kind of job I would laugh about but for some reason i still do, 

its opposite to anything I would really want all the qualities of my dream job it lacks, 

its attempts at knowing I exist are simply pathetic. 

the last time i tried to be original, do something new got me laughed me off, 

How can I  think outside the box when I work in a cube?

being semi-comfortable in full mode Swahili presentation gets me labeled as a show off, 

if a train station is a where train stops, a bus station where a bus stops,

does it not follow logically that make my workstation should be where my work stops?
and in essence it does; so I pretend where to work so they pretend to pay me.

They don't want well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking,
they are not interested in that, that doesn't really help them,
you know what they want? they want obedient workers, workers who
are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork,
and just dumb enough to passively accept all the increasingly shitty jobs with lower pay,
longer hours, reduced benefits, and vanishing pension that disappears a minute you go collect it.

I keep thinking about what I want to do in life, my life,
to be more than this ball of frustration and anger towards a job,
I keep telling myself its due to the fact that this is not what I want to do,
yet I used to be passionate about this, used to feel good about it,
now all I think about is quitting, running off to open my own shoes boutique,
yet I know I cannot afford that luxury,

Yet my drive has been beaten out of my efforts, I have settled,
My motivation has gone from roaring flame to a smoldering heat,
I have become a former shell of who I used to want to be.
I know this job sucks but for some reason as opposites I keep attracting it,
What really matters in the end is that this job has truly helped me,
in finding out just where I want my next endeavor to be.

Yet this job currently sucks and I have it, but it has awaken in me
the need to do something better, a desire to move from the misery,
to never stop searching until I find something to please me,
there are over a trillion nerves in the central nervous system,
and this job gets on every single, believe me its does
and for that same weird reason is why I love this job.
Because it made me realise that I don't want to wait to see where life will take me,
I am gonna take life where I want to be.

If not for YOU...

If not for you, I wouldn’t know

what true love really meant.

I’d also never know that

there is no better place,

To be right now,

Than on the floor,

Crying my eyes out,

Falling into a deep sleep,

To forget about the days,

Forget about the nights,

Forget about you.

If not for you, I’d never know

this intense craving,

to feel your tender touch;

to hear your voice;

No other one could take your place;

You’re it; I have no choice.

I block my ears,

From hearing the sounds,

Like your voice,

when you dedicate songs to me,

Those lovely songs,

They sounded to tender,

Now they kill me,

They hurt me,

If not for you, I’d never know

what its like,

When everything in the world

is beautiful;

Now, I don’t want to hear anything,

Don’t want to hear the waves,

Hitting against the sand,

Don’t want to hear the birds,

Singing outside the windows.

Don’t want to see my face,

Don’t want to see you,

Don’t want anything,

That has to do with you,

If not for you, I’d be adrift;

I don’t know what I’d do;

I’d be searching for my other half,

Incomplete, if not for you.

Now I want to forget the way,

You looked at me,

When you left me,

I want to forget,

I want to leave this world,

Close my eyes,

Fall to sleep to stop the heart,

From beating.

I hate you that I don’t wanna lose you

I hate you that I adore you

And I totally hate you the way I love you;

I hate me that I need you ,

I hate me the way I feel you

And breathe you, And taste you

I hate that I don’t have the strength,

Willpower, to let go

I hate you, I love you.

Now;

I just want to close my eyes,

just block away,

The world to stop the pain,

In my heart.

I just want my heart to stop beating,

To stop bleeding,

From your words,

Your love.

I gotta dislocate myself

from the tentacles

of my addiction,

To you.