It's Real

Fat Girl Woes in a Skinny World

I had no idea how I found myself in this predicament. It feels like one day as I woke up, looking at the baby lying next to me, and I was the joke that they were laughing at - the fat girl. How did this happen so suddenly? So busy being pregnant and having a healthy child I forgot that I was supposed to look like I wasn't pregnant. For two years the monstrous fat crept into me filling all the crevices and bones, oblivious in my joy to be a mother, to get a rude awakening doze of how dare you be so fat?

Do you know that saying to truly understand another person you have to walk a mile in their shoes? Finally I was in a fat woman's shoes. I had always been laughed at because I was fat at a size 8/10 but now at size 16 implicit bullying, rudeness, comments, diet tips, exercise regime advice are a norm. I used to think it was a Western Culture thing to pressurize the woman into a certain size, to condemn a woman for being fat, ah hark, calling anyone fat. The African culture has caught on too. Much faster and much worse.

In the beginning I used to laugh it off. I was young and I can shed the pounds quickly. I wanted to conform and look the size that can be considered beautiful, it was after all my obligation to the society I was told. The work in store as a new mother, breastfeeding full time when I am home, working full time, taking care of my home and nurturing my relationships, slowly getting into pre-pregnancy mania took a back step, while I focused on what I considered to be more important. My baby did not understand my dilemma; she just wanted her mamma, all the time. Hubby appreciates how grueling demanding and beautiful it was the journey that my body had undergone to create a life; that the extra pounds is a small price to pay.  Consistently telling me, "I love you just the way you are, and if the weight bothers you so much, you will find a way to lose it in your own time. In the meantime I am enjoying your real womanly curvaceous body". Of-course he is lying to protect my feelings, I tell myself and force myself to brush off the obvious admiration in his eyes.  

As I eventually rejoined the world, inside I felt like a much better person. I have been through so much. I have been tested. I have grown as a person as a woman, and I had a whole new title: mom. At work I was promoted shortly after I rejoined after my maternity leave. In my heart and head I felt grateful, appreciative of who I am and what I can endure. Of the second love of my life I nuzzle to sleep everyday. I was superwoman. 

Not quite. 

Society finally felt that they had held their tongue long enough. I was not loosing the weight. I was proud to be fat - the abomination. Well meaning friends and family started to make comments on how to lose the weight. Asking me what could be wrong, why I hadn't gone back to being Sabra. They didn't like the person I had become, how dare I? Be fat? Be happy being fat. Then the insults piled on the regular. I could brush it off and be so surprised at the comments. People came into my office to look at me because they had heard how fat I was. The most hurtful people were the women. Mothers themselves. But as the comments became more rude, more personal, attacking my intelligence, my personality, my vanity of daring to think I am beautiful, my marriage - I felt that I had kept quiet long enough. I started to retort to all my attackers. Oh boy, was that the wrong move. I seemed to make them feel the need to be more creative in their insults. Finally I yielded, I started believing what they were saying. Afterall even strangers, acquaintances made the same comments. I had never felt more unclean. More not belonging to the society. Unhappy and depressed. I hated looking at my reflection in the mirror. Yet all this was an internal struggle. I had no right to voice these concerns. My friends failed to understand why I believed the stupid people, why I am giving in, they know me as a strong women who is always standing. At times they suggest the different things I can do to make it better. I felt they did not get my plight. I wanted to be accepted regardless of how I looked. My mom didn't know what to do, and I hated seeing my pain reflected in her eyes, so I started shielding her from my feelings by burying them deeper and deeper into the black hole of my fears. 

This piece of writing was not meant to be a show of how strong I am. Rather the acceptance of how broken I am. How vulnerable I feel. How everything I have believed about myself has been questioned, debated and laughed at because I dared to be fat. I dared not to lose the baby weight ten months into giving birth. No one wants to hear how I am hurting. Sometimes I look at who I was, as pretty as I may have been considered at that size, but I am a much better person now. More sure of myself. I can stand up for myself. I have learnt to say no. I have downsized on friends who are not good for me and try to invest that into my husband. I am fat, but it has helped me realize how fickle I was. I have learnt that universal acceptance is not possible, and as I learn to believe my husband that he loves me more now than before. The tempestuous flight of my daughter into hugging my legs as I get back home. I am learning to enjoy simple pleasures. To stop keeping a score and live life at my own pace, my own way and my own terms. I am not always comfortable in my fat woman skin but it has been an invaluable lesson that I have not fully understood. I am ok. You are ok. 

Celebrating Men

As usual I started trying to find a picture to convey thoughts of mine. I wanted to write a piece to celebrate men. Our men. The good men. The men who make us smile. The men who are there for us. Our fathers, boyfriends, husbands, sons, and friends. However, I could not find such a picture. Everything it seems on the internet is written from the women's perspective. 

It seems that we are all obsessed with finding the perfect man. Countless articles have been written on how to find a man, keep a man, make him happy. It seems that all men are liars, cheaters, and so much of the blame for our failing relationships is being proportioned to men. I am not saying that men are perfect but hell, lets cut them some slack. 

So on this auspicious day, I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to all the men in my life. The one who have hurt me, healed me, loved me, understood me, pushed me, believed in me, and countless others that I do not know. Because without you, our lives would not be complete. We need each other. 

Let us be kind to one another. Men and women, we are not the same. We are of different molds. But we complement one another. Re-read the above screen shot from my husband's facebook. Men are much simpler. It is much easier to make them happy. The don't triple analyse everything with their friends. They want loyalty, love, and happiness. We actually both want the same things. 

We can all love an imperfect man perfectly. Let us celebrate our imperfect men, and appreciate all that they do. Be grateful for all they are. Let us be proud when we see the men in our lives, to send a silent prayer to God and say thank you, for bringing us such blessings in our lives. 

7 Things Your Wife Won't Tell You

Most men have a hard time understanding women...even a woman they've been married to for years. One minute she is perfectly fine, the next she is an atomic bomb. She complains about something but when you offer advice on how to fix it, she still wont be satisfied. Let me tell you secret about women...don't worry so much about what she says, instead you should worry at what she doesn't stay.  So here is a couple of things is my short time as a married woman have taught me...and we will never say this to you...

1. All we want is YOUR LOVE!!!

When a wife shows her husband less respect, he in turn shows her less love. And when a husband shows his wife less love, she in turn shows him less respect and the vicious cycle continues over and over again. 

So if you want to make your life better, and stop this vicious cycle to become your ever ending reality, show her some love. That's all she wants. Love your wife despite her quirks, and she will overlook yours. And this woman will love you so much...and this woman will love you deep. Your wife will love you for keeps...she will love you until lemons become sweet!! 

2. She's BORED!!!

It's the same monotonous thing everyday, day in day out, week in week out. Its boring. Not only is she bored she is also tired. Tired from having to take care for the kids, running the household for you, and then pampering you - and she works too, just like you. Imagine if you had to do that all the time - full time. 

So my dear brothers, I implore you, make your wife feel special - give her a break. Take her out sometimes. Surprise her by cooking dinner or doing the dishes sometimes. Bring her favorite dessert home sometimes. Just do something, anything every now and then to break the monotony. 

3. She want's to be COMPLIMENTED!!!

Appreciation. Everybody craves to be appreciated. No one wants to feel as if the hard work they do goes unnoticed or even worse, taken for granted. It is not a woman's requirement in a marriage to clean your dirty clothes, to cook your meals, to heal you, to make you whole - but she does. And she does that on top of everything else she has to do in her life. Caring for the kids, working or going to school, striving to be a better Muslim....to mention but a few.

Show your wife that you appreciate and are thankful for the things she does to maintain you and your family. We often take our spouses for granted so much that we never let them know that we appreciate them. A simple "thank you" is a good start. 

4. She is insanely JEALOUS!!!!

There is a reason women don't care for polygamy even though it is decreed by Allah. Be very careful how you talk about other women around your wife. Don't ever compare your wife to another woman. Don't compare her to some movie star. and please DON'T compare her to your mother...and never ever compare her to your ex-wife or the other wife.

She wants to know and to believe that she is the center of your universe. So make her feel that way. Expect and respect, some jealousy from your wife. 

5. She wants you to take the lead. 

She cannot stress enough the importance of men taking the role of the leader within their families. And that is a problem with a lot of Muslim men nowadays. Not only are they not being good leaders, they are being led by their wives, (or mothers, or other women in their lives.) When will you understand that its the man who sets the tone, when you are not around we smell your cologne. 

Your wife desires and wants you to be her leader. And what better way to lead than to show her how to be a better person? A better Muslim? But you can't show her how to become better if you are not that great either...remember God made Adam before He made Eve. Therefore, you have to upgrade your Iman. You have to improve yourself and improve her in a gentle and respectful way. 

6. Surprise surprise!!! She doesn't like to NAG 

It's a common myth that women like to nag their husbands. that is not entirely true. She doesn't like to have to nag you but you make it very very hard. But even so, as women we should be grateful of the things our husbands do for us. But very often, men make it so hard for women to hold their tongue.  We want to respect you never want to hurt you. We give your our bodies but we'd rather give you our virtues. Perhaps you are always finding faults in her in she looks for things in your character to get even, perhaps you are not working, or not working hard enough and she has to take up the slack. Or perhaps you are just not that great of a guy but she loves you anyway. We give up on our dreams trying to break your walls. We bend over backwards to show you how much we care.  So dude, upgrade yourself and give her less reasons to complain or nag. 

7. More than anything, she wants a stable and HAPPY relationship with you. 

Women don't get married because they don't think it it's gonna be fun. They get married because they want a happy family life and they believe that you're gonna give it to them. Outside her religious duties, that's the most important thing in a Muslim woman's life. Raising a happy, stable family. and guess what? it's very easy for you to give it to her.

1. Stop acting like a jerk, Be a good husband to her. Be kind to her. Show her you love her.
2. Don't threaten her with divorce or taking a second wife. Yes, you have the right to do both, but using them as threats in inappropriate and detrimental to your marriage.
3. Trust in Allah, watch out for the tricks of Shaytan, and be patient with her. There's nothing Shaytan would love more than to destroy your marriage. 

See that isn't all hard. Is it now?

What Happened to All the Nice Guys?

I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I'd take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there who haven't figured it out.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given his behaviour was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends". Besides he totally wasn't your type. I mean he was a little too short, or too bold, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be  or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you weren't dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realised that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good long-term relationship. So, now, you are single again and after having tried the bar scene for several months, having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating in kind with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realise, one day that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open for them; or make dinners just because; or buy you that Christmas gift that you really wanted and mentioned it in passing five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realise that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of his is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realise that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

1) Build a time machine.
2) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab hold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've fucked yourself over. You're getting older after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't fucking want you, now.

Sincerely,

A Recovering Nice Guy.


***Read this fine print: this piece is not my writing and it touched a nerve. I thought it ideal to re-post it. 

You Make Me Wanna Say, "I DO"

I have a bad habit of falling too hard too fast,
I always end up getting hurt, and I think relationship sucks,
I should just give up and get into a relationship with my bed,
no commitment needed, we just sleep together every night.
But you stole my heart, so I want to steal your last name.

Everyday is a different day, more sadness coming my way,
every heartache, every blow, and words you don't mean to say,
each one more painful than the one before yesterday,
You didn't mean to abuse me everyday, loving me is all you do today,
Blissful is my world, not quite complete until when I am with you,
Eternity is not long enough for me to pour my heart out to you.

I am  mad at myself - not you; mad for always being nice,
for getting attached, for making you my life,
for depending on you, wasting time on you, for thinking about you,
for always apologizing for things I  didn't do,
for dreaming you will change, wishing you will, knowing you won't
but most of all, mad for not hating you, which I should but I can't.

I am not worried we fight all the time, I worry when it stops,
because it makes me feel like I am not worth fighting for,
I can bite my tongue forever while you try to find yourself,
You hide behind the violence, but inside you ache,
You don't mean to hit me, hurt me, even when I turn black and blue,
I know everyone says I should leave, but you make me wanna say "I do".