Fat Girl Woes in a Skinny World

I had no idea how I found myself in this predicament. It feels like one day as I woke up, looking at the baby lying next to me, and I was the joke that they were laughing at - the fat girl. How did this happen so suddenly? So busy being pregnant and having a healthy child I forgot that I was supposed to look like I wasn't pregnant. For two years the monstrous fat crept into me filling all the crevices and bones, oblivious in my joy to be a mother, to get a rude awakening doze of how dare you be so fat?

Do you know that saying to truly understand another person you have to walk a mile in their shoes? Finally I was in a fat woman's shoes. I had always been laughed at because I was fat at a size 8/10 but now at size 16 implicit bullying, rudeness, comments, diet tips, exercise regime advice are a norm. I used to think it was a Western Culture thing to pressurize the woman into a certain size, to condemn a woman for being fat, ah hark, calling anyone fat. The African culture has caught on too. Much faster and much worse.

In the beginning I used to laugh it off. I was young and I can shed the pounds quickly. I wanted to conform and look the size that can be considered beautiful, it was after all my obligation to the society I was told. The work in store as a new mother, breastfeeding full time when I am home, working full time, taking care of my home and nurturing my relationships, slowly getting into pre-pregnancy mania took a back step, while I focused on what I considered to be more important. My baby did not understand my dilemma; she just wanted her mamma, all the time. Hubby appreciates how grueling demanding and beautiful it was the journey that my body had undergone to create a life; that the extra pounds is a small price to pay.  Consistently telling me, "I love you just the way you are, and if the weight bothers you so much, you will find a way to lose it in your own time. In the meantime I am enjoying your real womanly curvaceous body". Of-course he is lying to protect my feelings, I tell myself and force myself to brush off the obvious admiration in his eyes.  

As I eventually rejoined the world, inside I felt like a much better person. I have been through so much. I have been tested. I have grown as a person as a woman, and I had a whole new title: mom. At work I was promoted shortly after I rejoined after my maternity leave. In my heart and head I felt grateful, appreciative of who I am and what I can endure. Of the second love of my life I nuzzle to sleep everyday. I was superwoman. 

Not quite. 

Society finally felt that they had held their tongue long enough. I was not loosing the weight. I was proud to be fat - the abomination. Well meaning friends and family started to make comments on how to lose the weight. Asking me what could be wrong, why I hadn't gone back to being Sabra. They didn't like the person I had become, how dare I? Be fat? Be happy being fat. Then the insults piled on the regular. I could brush it off and be so surprised at the comments. People came into my office to look at me because they had heard how fat I was. The most hurtful people were the women. Mothers themselves. But as the comments became more rude, more personal, attacking my intelligence, my personality, my vanity of daring to think I am beautiful, my marriage - I felt that I had kept quiet long enough. I started to retort to all my attackers. Oh boy, was that the wrong move. I seemed to make them feel the need to be more creative in their insults. Finally I yielded, I started believing what they were saying. Afterall even strangers, acquaintances made the same comments. I had never felt more unclean. More not belonging to the society. Unhappy and depressed. I hated looking at my reflection in the mirror. Yet all this was an internal struggle. I had no right to voice these concerns. My friends failed to understand why I believed the stupid people, why I am giving in, they know me as a strong women who is always standing. At times they suggest the different things I can do to make it better. I felt they did not get my plight. I wanted to be accepted regardless of how I looked. My mom didn't know what to do, and I hated seeing my pain reflected in her eyes, so I started shielding her from my feelings by burying them deeper and deeper into the black hole of my fears. 

This piece of writing was not meant to be a show of how strong I am. Rather the acceptance of how broken I am. How vulnerable I feel. How everything I have believed about myself has been questioned, debated and laughed at because I dared to be fat. I dared not to lose the baby weight ten months into giving birth. No one wants to hear how I am hurting. Sometimes I look at who I was, as pretty as I may have been considered at that size, but I am a much better person now. More sure of myself. I can stand up for myself. I have learnt to say no. I have downsized on friends who are not good for me and try to invest that into my husband. I am fat, but it has helped me realize how fickle I was. I have learnt that universal acceptance is not possible, and as I learn to believe my husband that he loves me more now than before. The tempestuous flight of my daughter into hugging my legs as I get back home. I am learning to enjoy simple pleasures. To stop keeping a score and live life at my own pace, my own way and my own terms. I am not always comfortable in my fat woman skin but it has been an invaluable lesson that I have not fully understood. I am ok. You are ok. 

A Recipe for Beauty

There is no such thing as an ugly woman - that make up can't fix,
A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint to make a girl's complexion seem what it aint,
you know the saying, the average woman would prefer beauty over brains,
because the average man can see better than he can think.
See a man's face is his autobiography, whereas a woman's face is a work of fiction.
women dress alike all over the world, we dress to annoy other women
so when a woman sits in-front of her mirror, she doesn't spend her whole time
to make her self as advantageously as she really is - nah
but tries to be as much of another creature as she possibly can.
Why we try to do this, how can i possible elaborate? but you can be sure,
the woman who will rise from that mirror will be different to the one who sat down.

Covering a woman's face with makeup isn't like maths or physics,
it comes with easy instructions, if you follow through the results never disappoint,
wash the face, scrubbing it clean with the hair tide back, then proceed to
line a thin coat of base to ensure makeup doesn't seep too deep into the pores,
with a sponge or fingers, apply the foundation to match your skin tone,
until it exactly matches the skin, don't forget the neck, with a brush,
put on the powder, evenly across the face.
Transfer the attention now to the eyes and style them with eye shadows,
eyeliner, mascara, brow definer, eyebrow curlers, to your ultimate satisfaction,
line your lips with lip-liner then continue to spread a lipstick of your choice,
for a more glossy and pouty feel add a long-lasting lipgloss into the mixture,
sprinkle blush onto the apple of the cheeks to give you a healthy glow,
you may use any brands of make up of your choice, mac, chanel, maybelline,
clinique, bobbi brown, jioney, miss rose, mary kay, avon, or imani
then voila you will have a beautiful, dark gorgeous woman radiating with glow,
garnished with equally sophisticated or simple hairstyle,
Thus making you instantly popular and a head-turner if not a traffic-stopper.

This is all good right? After all a woman should be an illusion. Right?
It depends. If the makeup you put on your face defines who you are,
then its time to ditch that recipe and  create your own blend, to be a woman,
a face, naked, minimal makeup, believing that the way you are is beautiful,
and its enough. That the naked face - no matter how beautiful -
is remarkable because it is naked - not because it is beautiful.
"why do women pluck their eye brows and then draw them in pencil?"
one of my friends asks me, and yes its a guy. He continues "why do you
hide away the natural hair and put on weaves that don't match you,
why can't black women embrace their originality, with the nappy hair,
glowing skin, round asses, pouty lips and hips that drive us crazy?"
Why is that not enough? What can I tell him?
When I personally fall victim to the same predicament, you should
see me at a wedding, or a day in the office, or a casual meet and greet,
you may not be able to recognize me, but i do have my down to earth
moments where I go out naturally, nothing to enhance my appearance,
liberated and exhilarated in how I was created, and someone has to
walk up to me and ask me, "are you okay today?"

a shadow...a gurl..a woman...

The shadow has no face, she is every 
revlon model that women have chased,
the shadow whispers that sex is survival of the thinnest 
its a mainstreaming that doesn't serve our best interests,
tell you you are ugly, tell you how you aint pristine, 
and then go round telling you how to fix it with Maybelline. 


The shadow stalks the gurl, drinking in her innocence, 
This gurl trembling before each new day,  
this gurl trembling and afraid with each sunrise, 
this gurl who finds the cloak woman too heavy to don most days, 
this gurl trying to tread on her dreams when the water feels low, 
with the shadow at her heels, ebbing her purity and disrupting the flow, 
into woman hood, she enters it with her head bowed. 


Young gurl I want you to know me, to hear me, 
to know me in moments like this, moments of reflections, 
moments of acceptance, and moments of celebration. 
You should never put your heart in mind's position, 
Gurl, you should hold womanhood in a high esteem 
you deserve to wear the monarch like banner, 
because it carries easy like sun in summer.
I am a woman and I enjoy it, try it sometime, 
disentangle your gurl from the shadow and see
how brightly she shines.  

Just Saying!!!

A Woman's Power

It is very rare to see in a little boy, 

the promise of a young man, 

but one can almost always see the threat of a woman,

in a girl; but shhh don't let them know your power

Sure God created man before woman, 

but then you always make a rough draft, 

before a masterpiece is final, 

please, don't show them the power you wield

Whatever a woman does, she has to ,

do twice as good as a man to,

be considered half as good, and when she 

does, its not considered quite as real power.

A woman is wrong until she cries, then she is right

if women did not exist then all the money,

in the world would have no meaning - 

but no way, that is not real power

Women are never stronger until

they arm themselves with their weakness,

a woman is as bad as she dares, 

that vulnerability obscures great power 

This is an age where competence is a turn-on,

a man wants a woman who can hold her own,

a mother, businesswoman, nurse; part real part illusion,

the real woman's power lies in controlling your confusion

To get a woman's heart, a man must first use his own,

where your heart is where your treasure will be adorned, 

nature has given this woman so much power, 

man-made laws have tried to take it away and devour.  

A woman is the door way,

in which all must pass to enter this world, 

the compass to guide and to protect, 

but shh!!!! she doesn't know her power or her worth. 

Women do rule the world, we haven't

figured it out yet, when we do, we can finally 

embrace our power in all its glory, stand proudly 

and celebrate this international woman's day. 

Valentine's Trivia

Woman Work

Woman Work

I've got the children to tend The clothes to mend The floor to mop The food to shop Then the chicken to fry The baby to dry I got company to feed The garden to weed I've got shirts to press The tots to dress The can to be cut I gotta clean up this hut Then see about the sick And the cotton to pick. Shine on me, sunshine Rain on me, rain Fall softly, dewdrops And cool my brow again. Storm, blow me from here With your fiercest wind Let me float across the sky 'Til I can rest again. Fall gently, snowflakes Cover me with white Cold icy kisses and Let me rest tonight. Sun, rain, curving sky Mountain, oceans, leaf and stone Star shine, moon glow You're all that I can call my own. ©Maya Angelou

Because I am a Woman

Because I am a woman, I am your woman, I need you to understand some few things.

You know how I get mad at you and we fight?

Then you ask me what it is that you did, when you have been trying your best to please me,
Sometimes I tell you, sometimes I dont.
At times I feel so guilty that I am trying to change you,
yet I always tell you that I love you just the way you are,
Whilst at the same time I am trying my best to make you better in my eyes,
and I dont bother to ask if you want all the things I want for you.

Because I am your woman, I love you - more than I can tell you
Yet there are times that I hate you so much,
Because I feel that you do not understand me,
You cannot tell how I am feeling or what I am thinking,
So that you can give me what I want.
Then I realise the impossibility of my demands and
your never -ending patience and love.

Because I am your woman, I want you to be psychic,
Accurately read my mind so you can tend to my needs,
Decipher all the unsaid words so you can hear my heart,
and I give you hell when you get it wrong.
How can you possibly get it right, when what was owkay
yesterday is wrong today and dont try it tomorrow.
I realise I have been comparing you to one of my
friends - my girlfriends. They seem to get me to the T!!!


Because I am your woman, I apologize my love.
I am deeply sorry, and from this point forward
I promise to tell you exactly what it is that I want from you,
I will help you by voicing the thoughts running through my mind,
I will learn and try to be more patient,
I realise to make this work, we need to do it as a team,
and I need you to know that we are in this together.
and I love you.