Alone with People.

Isn't it amazing how you can be surrounded by so many people who make you feel more alone?
I think I will be happy to be alone. Not because I like it and want it, but what if you love and need someone and it fell apart? I may not make it, so its easier to be alone.

Because what if you learn to need love and you don't have it? What if you start depending on it, leaning on it, shape your life around it..and then it falls apart? Will you be able to survive that kind of pain?

So I am trying to learn to be comfortable to be alone, I may still have love in my life but nothing is guaranteed. What if it finished and ended suddenly? Who am I without the identity of mother and wife and homemaker? Am I really in touch with the inner me as much as people think that, I have my life all perfect and figured out.

But with life, I have changed and grown, sometimes for the better and other times for the worse, so why have I lost touch with my inner self? It is so easy to get lost in the years of being needed by the tiny humans that I forget to recharge. I have forgotten to prioritise me. I have forgotten me, At times I feel like a book that I want to read but never get around to opening.

Unplug...

Times indeed change.

I remember when I used to revel in being away from everyone, in discovering new places, in freedom from family, friends and the tiny claustrophobic place I call home. Every time I travelled, my sense of wonderment grew, I could not get enough and I hated going back to the place called home to face the familiar way of life as it has been for forever. 

Yet now, thousands of miles away from everyone, with everything I used to think I valued and all I want in my noisy, dusty, bustling claustrophobic place I call home. I miss everyone so much and so worried that I may lose touch that I find myself more plugged and more in sync now than when I was physically there. 

Loneliness surrounds me. 

The new place has lost its thrill. It is not all that I hoped it will be. It is much harder than I ever imagined it to be. To start afresh in a new place where everyone has everything figured out. All friends are formed, clicks and I am the odd one out. I realise I have changed. It took all this loneliness biting at me from all angles to realise that I am not the same person I used to be, and that is neither a good nor a bad thing. I am different. 

Challenging times ahead. 

Finding the balance between wallowing in loneliness and going out to meet new people who are not interested and feeling like you have to convince them that they should have you in their life is proving to be quite a struggle. Making new friends just for the sake of it feels like such a waste of time when you know once this specific time is over, meeting them again is going to be hard. My heart is divided in enough places across the world to do it anymore. Yet we are social creatures. But in the meantime I am going to just be focused on me. Being my own friend, talking to the voices in my head, and try to unplug from my constant conversations from home. 

Life moves on.

Family

Family is God's way of showing you that He's got you. Imagine at a day old, a mushy bundle of joy with no means of communicating and yet God provides you an angel that will understand you, hold you, care for you and love you. You come into this world already knowing all the important things about her, you know her voice, her scent and importantly her heartbeat - all from the inside of her. As you cringe your face and cry at the unfamiliar world, you eventually get to meet compilation of people who have something in common with you. You share the blood bond. There is the dad, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles and many others. You the new addition to the clan and already you belong. 

Yet how do we move from that moment into abandoning our families. Not talking to our cousins. Petty family drama that we allow to define our lives. We chose to let go of those who held us when we needed someone. Why do inherit the hate or misunderstandings of others and absorb them into us? Because suddenly we have our own family that we created for ourselves, our friends. While they are amazing and seem to love us and be there when no one will. Yet we are more willing to let them get away with hurting us more than we would ever let our family. We hold our family with a higher standard of conduct yet we easily hurt them, because we know what can they do? Ostracise us? 

Being so far away, I seem to see everything clearly and differently. My mother was right, we should try and make friends out of our family, it deepens and strengthens the bond. To be in a place where you can make as many friends as you want yet have no one to call your own, is a foreign feeling. I catch myself searching for my mother's face in a strangers face. The snoring of my husband from the next door neighbour I can hear through the wall. The laughter of my child in all children I meet. The bickering of my cousins in the carefree gossipy teenagers. Sometimes I feel so lost. The loneliness gets overwhelming when you have always been surrounded by loved ones, always a short walk or drive away. I have gained a deeper appreciation and understanding. I tend to gravitate towards the people who are in the same predicament and we find ourselves giving each other love that we miss.   

On Being Alone

Never expect. Never assume. Never demand. Let it be. If it was meant to be - it will happen. 

It hurts alot when the person who made you feel so special yesterday makes you feel so unwanted today. 

When you let go of someone's hand, don't be afraid to be alone for a while, wait and be patient. It's because someone in this world will find you soon, someone who's hand will fit yours. 

You have to let go when you feel that you are hurting too much. You have to give up when love is not enough. You have to move on when things aren't like before - because there is someone out there who will love you even more. 

Being alone and being lonely are two different things. Even if you are one, you don't have to be the other. 

The worst thing in the world isn't being alone. It's being surrounded by people who make you feel like you are alone. 

Being alone is very difficult. It forces you to be with yourself. 

We truly realise that we are alone when we need others the most.