A Broken Strong Woman

Just because I come off strong doesn't mean that I didn't fall asleep crying,
and maybe when I act like nothing is wrong, maybe I have become really good at lying.
It starts off small like saying "I'm fine" when inside I am crumbling, It's hard to answer "what's wrong?" when nothing is right. So much that I sometimes think that if I died no one will notice that I'm gone.

You know the worst type of crying?When your lips start to shake and the tears build up quickly and fall fast. You are bent over or crouched trying to suck it in and to not make a sound but it hurts too much to just let it in. Maybe I keep it all in but am constantly caught up in moments where tears are so close to the surface every time I try to speak, that's why I remain silent. That is why I cannot confide in you. That is why I cannot look into your eyes because my eyes cannot hide the depth of pain welled up inside.

That's why I love the peace, the security and the privacy offered by my bathroom. In the bathroom I can give in to my emotions with no fear of anyone trying to stop me, trying to understand me, trying to judge or trying to remind me that I am supposed to be a strong woman. Only in the bathroom can I really be who I am right now - a broken strong woman. On the floor quietly howling my broken heart out, tears mingling with water, guilt mixed with confusion, restraint kept at bay by abandon, then and only then can I go through the healing ritual of giving in to my breaking point.

Why do I have to feel ashamed that I cry? I am crying now but I will smile again. Isn't it true that we fall down so we can learn to pick ourselves again?  I am broken now but I shall rise again. Like a phoenix reborn from the ashes when it burst into flame, so will I find my smile again. I will live again. I will laugh again. I will forget again. I will hurt again and I will heal again.

...u ask me not to cry...

Tuns, my girl this is for you, 
When you can no longer suppress the tears behind those eyelids, 
just know that I will never be able to understand, 
but I feel your pain and I love you always.
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You ask me not to cry, 
Yet you are leaving me behind, 
We have shared so much, 
We have given so much,
Our hearts beat as one: rhythmically


You were there to catch my tears,
Dry them and kiss them away, 
You gave me a million reasons to smile, 
Or you would just intensly gaze into my eyes, 
and words fail to form in your mouth, 
Because you love me, you have to told me so, 
and you can't even describe how much. 


Now you are the reason for my tears, 
yet you are asking me not to cry, 
you are leaving me behind; 
Or have you left already?


I feel you, in my heart,
I see you in my reflection, 
I hear you in my heartbeat, 
I smell you in the wind and
I dream you into life. 


Tears are my way of expressing
my grief, my doubts, my love, 
my loneliness and my suffering 
You have to understand that I am 
feeling all of these because you are gone.


I cry because I need to. 
and when you ask me not to cry, 
You are asking me for too much.