and maybe when I act like nothing is wrong, maybe I have become really good at lying.
It starts off small like saying "I'm fine" when inside I am crumbling, It's hard to answer "what's wrong?" when nothing is right. So much that I sometimes think that if I died no one will notice that I'm gone.
You know the worst type of crying?When your lips start to shake and the tears build up quickly and fall fast. You are bent over or crouched trying to suck it in and to not make a sound but it hurts too much to just let it in. Maybe I keep it all in but am constantly caught up in moments where tears are so close to the surface every time I try to speak, that's why I remain silent. That is why I cannot confide in you. That is why I cannot look into your eyes because my eyes cannot hide the depth of pain welled up inside.
That's why I love the peace, the security and the privacy offered by my bathroom. In the bathroom I can give in to my emotions with no fear of anyone trying to stop me, trying to understand me, trying to judge or trying to remind me that I am supposed to be a strong woman. Only in the bathroom can I really be who I am right now - a broken strong woman. On the floor quietly howling my broken heart out, tears mingling with water, guilt mixed with confusion, restraint kept at bay by abandon, then and only then can I go through the healing ritual of giving in to my breaking point.
Why do I have to feel ashamed that I cry? I am crying now but I will smile again. Isn't it true that we fall down so we can learn to pick ourselves again? I am broken now but I shall rise again. Like a phoenix reborn from the ashes when it burst into flame, so will I find my smile again. I will live again. I will laugh again. I will forget again. I will hurt again and I will heal again.