Sometimes I want to scream. Scream that its not fair, scream at everyone to stop expecting so much from me, scream at anyone to accept me, to stop judging me to just let me be. Yes, I am a different kind of breed to the usual Zanzibari Muslim woman, married at that. Yes, I was born here, lived here and grew up in this very island - its just that I went to a different type of school. I went to the International School of Zanzibar, after that the International School of Moshi and then to the University of Dar-es-Salaam. I normally credit these facts to the reason why I turned out the way I did. Obviously if I was never schooled in those places I would have been just like everyone else(thank God I am not).
The result is not always good. I always have to explain why I speak such fluent English, even though I grew up in Tanzania. As shameful as it is, I know the geography of the rest of the world but I don't know the geography of my own country. Half my phone calls are unintelligible to those around me and I sort my friends by continent, and all my best friends are at least in 5 different countries. and then I still live in Zanzibar, where different is rare. Everyone is so sure of how their life is going to be, there are so many set rules that i always find myself breaking, so i tend to stick out like a sore thumb. Owh, I am owkay dress code wise I can fit in - but the moment I open my mouth...all hell breaks lose. I think the great majority of us are required to live a life of constant duplicity. See due to the background I had I can't help but be affected by it, yet my muslim home and society have specific expectations that always contradict my said back ground.
I was taught in school that it okay to question things, but all I see around me is that people take things as they are. I want to dress in jeans and go swimming in swim suit, but my society categorises that as an abhorred action. I want to have to be someone, most people don't understand that notion. I know people here but its hard to make friends, everyone knows everyone else, they have been together for the past 10 years...they are even scared to open their doors to me. I am always torn between my desire to be myself and my secret need to fit in sometimes, to be normal for lack of better word. This constant battle, some of my friends tell me I have a split personality. Its hard to say the opposite of what I feel, grovel before what I dislike and rejoice at what brings me nothing but misfortune - and funny enough I catch myself doing that time and again.
But on a fine day like this, I want to say to all of them that judge me all you want and keep the verdict to yourself. You may call me a loner, weird, different, but inside myself is a place i live all alone, its a place i go to for renewal. It is my heaven. They laugh at me because I am different, I laugh at them because they are all the same