Everywhere I go I see groups of people, friends,
fake friends, frenemies, best friends, needy friends, BFFs,
I see happy friends everywhere and I used to ask myself
what do I have to do to get friends right here? real friends
and now it has become what do I have to do to get friends?
I am alone, with myself, confident wallowing in my thoughts,
I am not lonely, All my best friends are at different corners of the world,
that is the price I still have to pay - for going to the best schools,
for going to international schools, because I sort my friends
by continents, and I have five best friends in different countries,
I know the geography of the rest of the world better than
I know the geography of the place I now call home.
Now I am back home, fatigued from trying to meet new friends,
to get that initial hello, to find people who will stimulate my mind,
friends I will want to hang out with, be with - you know like things friends do,
I am tired of being broken, of hoping for my trials to be different next time
Afraid of appearing too desperate, seeming all put together,
while inside consumed of being alone, never fitting in.
no longer will I try to be at the mercy for people to like me,
no longer will I be at the mercy of needing others approval,
all that is finished, completed, finito - from now on,
I am going to be my own best friend.
I already talk to myself so I know my conversations pretty well,
I always say its nice to have friends who are like me in a way,
who understand me, accept me, don't judge me, and there is no
other person who is more like me than me. No person who knows
my thoughts more than me, understands my emotions more than me,
there is nothing that says that I cannot be my own best friend,
why have I not thought of this before? I amaze myself sometimes,
play games with myself , no one to impress but myself , no one to
encourage but myself, cry to myself, support myself,
lie to myself because I hate to hurt myself's feelings,
like how skinny I am and how God took more time and
special care when He was creating me - I am one of his favourite.
Surely if I am only my own best friend then that is selfish,
I can only be there for someone else when I can be there for me,
my first job is to make myself happy only then can i make
someone else happier, I am not doing this to be anti-social,
or to hurt anyone's feelings, or to brag about how weird and special I am,
I am only trying to look out for myself's best interests,
I am planning to be my own best friend till the very end,
...or...at least until i meet someone new or y'all come back.
What selfishness... (which is good, dont get me wrong)
ReplyDeleteSometimes, this is all you need to think to remain sane. For when one is happy, then others are bound to be attracted to ya..
But i must say, its strange how friends are had to make.. especially when you are this grown up.. it was soo easier when i was 5 or ten... I guess ive become a bit too picky over the years... or how would you term this?
...it is freaking impossible to make new friends at this age...we all weary and most people are comfortable with the friendships they have strung along through the years...why add more??
ReplyDeleteI would say at our age most people are at their compfort zone, a set rhythm in how the rest of their lives will be, set - so they dont want to disrupt that...
heheh... aah well! So that kinda sucks if you had friends in school who are now scattered all over the planet!!
ReplyDeleteI miss you too! You are such a good writer.
ReplyDeleteI think 26 is a BIT young though to write off all new friendships...
...thank you and you are probably right, but in the spur of the moment and as the moments add up...its how i continue to feel...
ReplyDelete