Monday, June 13, 2016

When Trust is Broken

How can I ever trust you again? And without trust how can our marriage ever survive? An affair is the ultimate are fully aware of the suffering the affair will inflict on me...yet you are daring enough to do it anyway. You claim to love me, perhaps now you love seeing tears imprint my face. You say you respect me but you don't want me to walk this place with my head held high. It reflects a total disregard for my feelings, someone whom you promised to cherish, love and protect for life.

And then there are the lies. Looking right onto my face and denying it all, getting angry that I would even think such a thing, shocked that I had the audacity to invade your privacy...and I caught you creeping. How dare I accuse you? How dare I be mad? When you still came home every night? All the things everyone used to tell me about but I vehemently denied, oh what a fool I am. She must be quite a woman that you give so much power to that she dares to call you to tell you good morning when you have not even left our bed. The same bed you leave cold to assure her sweet nothings so she can sleep well.

This is the man that you have become. Reckless, thoughtless, uncaring of anyone else except your own damned needs. The children looking at your expectantly to be help are left with cold stares and how busy you are. They come crying to me not understanding why daddy doesn't love them anymore. This man I cannot fight for. I will not fight to be lied to, to be taken for granted, fighting to be dissappointed, and fighting to be hurt again so slowly I starting for acceptance and to let go.

How can I ever trust you again? After everything how can we ever heal?

How can you be the unfaithful one and yet demand that I should trust you now. That now you claim to know that without trust our marriage cannot thrive. You say without doing much to rebuild the broken pieces that you left me with but rather to avoid to have to change and do things to regain my trust. You keep claiming that you have don't want to say what you are doing in secret, yet you insist that its nothing to harm me...or our marriage. I see you, demanding trust is simply a tactic to get away with further thoughtlessness and dishonesty.

I love how you had the audacity to throw everything in my face. Keep it all there. Perhaps she was that amazing that I somehow cannot compare or understand. The childishness of fighting her for you is beneath me, you never understood our endless fights, dishes smashed, and all hell break loose yet I wouldn't confront her even though I knew her name and number. Oh I did feel insecure at some point asking myself over and over what am I lacking? What do I need to improve. And you had the balls to tell me. As if it was me who looked for someone else to fill the gaps in our relationship.

Trust is not something I am required to do for you just because we are married. I know I have to trust you but its not a requirement for marriage, its a reaction to experience. It grows a each spouse shows that they are trustworthy. For trust to ever exist in our marriage again, we should begin with a commitment to be thoughtful and honest. Without that commitment its foolish to trust you again. And you should follow through with thoughtful and honest behaviour. Yet continuing to require that from you seems to be utter foolishness. So now I move forward with acceptance. Accepting that I may not be what you need anymore. Accepting that in this threesome I want out. Accepting that people change and grow and I hate the person you have become. Accept my part in this, I was too occupied to make sure that the house was well cared for, the kids not to lack anything, and instead of you reminding of how you also need me, look at all I do and lend a helping hand so that I may feeling I may have something more to give to you, but you looked for it else where.

The future is always uncertain. Can I forgive you? Yes. Will you not have another affair? I have no idea and frankly you are pushing to dangerously freeing ledge of I don't give a shit.  How can I ever trust you again? It will take a looong time. Can you be honest about all the details of your life? Not quite, you still have much to say and do...still creeping. Will you take my feelings into consideration with every decision you make? Only time will tell. I sit here patiently watching your every move, pretending I see nothing, my heart is now cold. The broken pieces are now jaded, unfitting to a whole again. 

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