Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Don't Get Married If...

Today I am appreciating the work of another author, I really connected with this great piece and I wished I was eloquent enough to write such a piece. I think this is a great piece, a must read, fresh reasonable outlook ...and I loved it. What do you guys think?

IF you are not ready to delay gratification when you are angry. To hold your tongue, lower your voice and sometimes wait till the appropriate time, day or even month before you can deal with an issue thoroughly...don't get married. Immaturity is the inability to delay gratification. Marriage is for the mature.

If you're not ready to leave center stage and allow someone else to become your focus, your study, you muse...don't get married. Selfish people make very bad spouses. In marriage you don't lose yourself - but your heart has to be big enough to gain someone else. And soon, with God's blessing, little, crying, diaper soiling, demanding little ones are coming! 

If you are not ready, to stand up and calmly deal with meddling in laws as a united front: The opinionated sister, the insensitive uncle, the domineering father, the manner less brother, the nosy aunt...don't get married. Boundaries do not exist automatically, they must be created. A good spouse is committed to respectfully stand up for and protect their marriage from meddling relatives. Don't abandon your spouse to your relatives. It's betrayal. 

If you are not ready to pay bills...don't get married. Love does not pay bills. Kenya power will not give a waiver because your love is O so strong and you gaze at each other, O so romantic.  

If you are not ready to let go of your opposite sex "best friends" and invest that into your spouse; to like, to laugh, to play, to be silly and to enjoy life with them above anyone else..don't get married. Affairs happen because people did not marry their best friends. Someone else holds their heart. Someone else gets them better. Someone else inspires them more. Marry your best friend and cultivate your friendship so that you remain best friends.

If you are not ready to stop competing with the Joneses...don't get married. Let the Joneses buy their yacht when you are still walking; and enjoy the walk. Your journeys are different. They may have to cross oceans but you may be going through a road route. A boat might not do you any good on your journey. You must be ready to pace yourselves: stop competing, stop spending your future before you get there, stop the debt, stop trying to impress people. You must be able to be content. To enjoy your journey without deciding your happiness simply by measuring your progress against other people. 

If you are not ready to be an open book; to tell the whole story of your past, deal with the memories, expose the failures and risk rejection...don't get married. It is fraud to have someone sign off their life to you without the full details. The past is a touchy and demanding friend. It always shows up in a marriage. It doesn't enjoy being ignored and the more you snob it, the bolder it becomes and the more tantrums it throws. It will mess up the "neat" and "all together lovely" image that you are struggling to maintain.

If you are not ready to let go of your philandering and wild oats farming...don't get married. Don't take somebody's son or daughter and subject them to your germs, your indiscretions and your chips fungaz. It never ends well. It's romanticized in the movies, it's being fronted as the only "realistic" way to stay married and keep the fire burning. But truth be told, the only thing that the fire will burn will be you, your spouse, and your children. That family will burn for generations in bitterness, disease, fear, failure, hatred, broken hearts and broken dreams. 

Finally, if you are not ready to let go of the adrenalin rush of a risque life and to settle down...don't get married. The great Colombus (who we are told "discovered" America, have you ever wondered if the Native Indians who were in it knew that it existed?) had a diary that was long sought for. People wanted to read about wild journeys, the sea tempest, the reckless pirates they fought, the deaths, and the danger they must have encountered. When it was found there was great disappointment  Majority of the pages simply had 5 words: "This day, we sailed on."

Marriage, like life in general, has many "we sail on" days. You have to learn to find the thrill in the normal everydayness of it. If you depend in wild romance, all night sex (Ha!), romantic cruises, wild parties, compulsive moves across continents, tempestuous fights and make up sessions to be happy, you may be disappointed. You have to learn to thrill in gentle smiles, loving hugs, knowing looks, cozy moments, shared chores, cute babies, everyday work, dreaming together, praying together and simply living together. If these things are not thrilling, exciting and satisfying, you will look for a way out. The "boom twaff" moments are still there, but they are normally punctuations to the usualness of living. They cannot be your reason for getting married. They are unsustainable on an everyday basis. The one you choose must be thrilling to you even in the most mundane of moments. 

I pray this helps someone. Remember singles, YOU HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF CHOICE. Never let anyone pressure you into marriage. You are either ready of you're not: You decide! But please don't marry somebody and then punish them to live with your childish ways for the rest of their lives. A childish baby is cute but a childish adult is extremely frustrating. 

Marriage is for the mature and in many ways, we the married, are still being confronted with the demand to grow up everyday. If you are not ready for that demand...don't get married.

Judy Karanja


  1. Wow! deep, intense, and so damn true!!

    It is a shame that most people tend to perceive marriage based on what people read in fiction books, or movies and forget to use their logic.

    whats even sadder is when one is really ready for marriage, whilst the other isn't; thus, one being an adult and another being the baby. Frustrating.

    I've come to think that love is not the central and only reason to get married, most people DON'T think so - which is scary.

    the fire, chemistry - friendship, care?

    or what is the actual definition of love?

    marriage is more complex than what dwells in our minds. and i think its one of those things that no matter how many degrees you have or how good you are, its something that like wine, matures and tastes better in time...

    1. ..as always insightful and i love your input and soooo very freaking true...yet at the same time its always nice to take a plunge and not to over-think and have too many expectations...as waswahili say, kuolewa/kuoa ni sawa na kutia mkono kizani...

  2. ahhh great piece not only for marriage but also how to act mature hey

    1. ...indeed...maaana people just really really really dont wanna grow up...they don't realise you can be both mature and crazy and wild...just gotta find the balance...

  3. Mariage is a form of ibadah.... the rest has just been said here!

  4. people can still be immature at the age of 40!! this piece of work is so damn true, thanks Sabz for sharing.. like it!


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