I wish my sister was my best friend. I don't know what has inspired this sudden urge to come clean about my relationship with my sister. Maybe I am going to die soon or something, just kidding hopefully, it's more because I miss her. I feel like I have been an only child for so long and its not the case. I have always been jealous of people who get along with their siblings, because I am not that lucky.
Sometimes when I am having one of those honest one on one conversations with myself, I try so hard to make sense of the mess that is our relationship, I don't quite know how to place the blame, or understand the reasons. Is it because we were brought up by a grandmother who had 10 other kids to look after that we never got close as kids? Or is it because we were brought up to be competitive, repeatedly compared to one another in everything? Was it because she was always such a daddy's princess and I was such a rebel? Or was it because she went away, and with the distance and growing up, we couldn't quite breach the gap?
Me, who finds it so easy to pour my heart out on paper, and craft rhymes and rhythms cannot find the right words to explain why my sister and I are like fire and rain. When one is dominant, the other has to depart. I have so many best friends, I have been told countless of times that I am such a great friend, patient, understanding, loving, caring, sweet, thoughtful, confident, considerate - yet why can I not be all that to my sister? The weird part is that all my good friends know the deteriorating nature of my relationship with her, and they havent done anything about it thus far to help. She is a lost cause they tell me, and to just let it go.
Yet mum is always on my case, reasoning with me on why don't I use the same psychology I use on everyone else with her - my only sister. She says she will die a very happy woman if the two of us could just get along. Heck, there are just the two of us, her extra pair of eyes as she lovingly calls us, why do we insist in making her one eyed? Always making her having to pick sides? She was hoping that we would have outgrown out childish ways, and yet we are still frenemies to this day.
I am not writing to glorify my decaying relationship, but its time to be more to be honest. To acknowledge the way things are so maybe I can try to change them. Sometimes when in writing it feels more real, because I want to make a promise to myself to make it better and I have appointed you to be my witness. You may know what its like, to have that person in your family that you know you supposed to get along, it would be great if you could - but you just can't. For some people its the father, the mother, the sister, the brother, the aunts, the cousins - we all have some sort of skeletons in our closets and I am just cleaning out mine.
I am sorry my dear sister that we have not been the kind of supporting of each other. I am sorry that I value my friends more than you. I am sorry that we don't always see eye to eye and refuse to reach some sort agreement about almost anything. You always say I am daddy's favourite, well you are mom's favourite, can we just both live with that? You are one of strongest people I know, so I am sorry that I misread your patience as weakness. You are always positive, always full of hope and faith, you are definitely the saint and I, the devil.
I want us to try and put our differences aside. I may be the fire and you are the rain, can you drizzle gently and I promise to only smolder brightly so we can live together side by side.