Thursday, February 16, 2017


We continue to hurt one another and ruining each other. Being together hurts a lot while being apart will hurt even more. Perhaps I will never find another man to love me like you do but you will never find another woman to understand you like I do. So why are ripping our souls apart when the answer is so simple. Why this excruciating pain by being together...yet we are a million miles apart.

Can you not hear the echo of my screams through my silence? Through the words I say everyday? Through the tears running down my face? Through the smile on my face that you have not seen- in how long? Do you remember? Are you aware?

I am tired of masking all my pain to please you. To make love to you. To keep your home inviting and warm. To keep remembering the good times...that are fast becoming the only place I can exist happily. Why do you lie to me in my face? Look me straight in the eyes...and tell your lies. I know you are lying, deep inside my gut but I do not have the proof..yet. So I do my best to believe you. To believe in your words even though your actions speak differently. You take me for a fool. Just because you feel that you won this round because of lack of proof, you walk away on a high feeling indestructible.

Nothing we feel entitled to ever comes to us in sufficient abundance to make us happy. Happiness is a feeling of being blessed. As I choose to be happy in the face of everything, I am happy that God is trusting me this much to deal with the enormity and the profound hurt that is allowing me to see cracks in my soul. The pain, having felt it, I redirect it now to nourish and care for my withering heart. The pain is helping my journey inward. The pain is making me question many choices. If I can be wrong about you, what else could I wrong about.

I am choosing to feel the pain and get above it so that it will not continually pull me in depths of despair. Me believing the lies you tell me doesn't make me a fool. I judge you on my own value system, and I mean what I say. I expect the same from you. Love should not hurt this much. Love should not make me lose sleep. Love should not be leaving me here questioning whether or not I truly matter. I do not need that kind of love.

I only want the love that hurts when you plunge in deep into the deep creases of my woman hood, the kind of pain that feels so good, like a climax; will kill you kinda good if you stop. I want a love so deep it pushes me to fly even higher than what I believe I can become. I need a love that prompts me to work out, because being healthy is sexy...and flexible and you can then be able to put me in any imagined position you want. I want great loving, sweet and seductive, like I will drop everything in the world without you having to ask. Because I know it is reciprocated. Because I know you love me on the same bandwidth...that it hurts to not be where you are. That is the pain that is welcomed in my life.      

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