Random idiot: Hi
Random idiot: Its been a while how are you?? Oh my God you are soo fat!!!
Me: Thank you, I work at it. (Inwardly: Dear God, please stop me from shooting this idiot!!)
*smiling*, how are you and hows the family??
Random idiot: They are good, owh so you are married now?
Random idiot: So how are the little ones?
Me: I don't have any little ones.
Random idiot: OMG, yaani kumbe you are just this fat??? You should join the gym.
Why haven't you had a baby yet?? Stop being lazy and give that man some...
Me: (Remember: it's still illegal to kill them) Thank you and goodbye.
(Walk away. Quickly. Don't turn back. and NO, don't throw that stone. Just smile and wave.)
I start walking away feeling conscious. Feeling fat, irritated, reminded of how I still don't fit in and no matter what I do, I will always stand out. I start missing those days and start wishing that I was as thin as when I thought I was fat. Because no matter how irritating and common that conversation is, I have to face it: its true. I can barely fit into anything in my wardrobe, and yes I don't have kids yet. So I start getting into depressed mode and mentally hating myself all the way to wherever I am going.
Then an external stimuli engulfs me and reminds me that its okay. Normally that reminder comes in the shape of my husband, mother or some close friend. Then depression shifts into anger. I remember how I see this scenario everywhere and I have been receiving it in different forms. It used to be: You are such a tomboy which normally got me labeled as a slut. Then it was you are so non-Muslim like which apparantly stamped my ticket with "straight-to-hell". Then it was you are so wild, which got me labeled as you will never get married. When I got married, they asked questions like what's wrong with the man who married you??? When they saw him, it turned into how could a man like that ever be interested in a woman like you??? Now it is, you have been married for more than a year, why don't you have kids yet, what is wrong with you? he is soo marrying another wife.
I am sure you have been there before if are still reading this. The judgmental conversations and questions coming from seemingly well-meaning people. Why aren't you married? When will you settle down? Why are you dating that guy/girl? What is wrong with you? How much do you make? Why do you drive such a shitty car? You are such an embarassement. Why haven't you lost weight? you've become so dark. The list is endless.
In short its pretty exhausting. The petty bypassing comments. People feeling free to point fingers as if their hands are clean. You might be wondering why I even get so enraged, that I should be used to it by now. Its like that swahili saying that goes "nina roho sina jiwe mengine nipunguziwe." - meaning I have a heart not a stone so reduce some things for me. This is the five hundred and ninety eight thousand times of unwanted barrage of thoughts flown my way. I can only take so much. This is one of the few places I can rant, and well, you are listening to me, and who knows maybe even feeling a little sympathetic. Honestly, I may not be able to say this to your face, but thank you. so much.
So let me answer this one: why haven't I had a baby yet and that bothers you;
Please do this: make me have one if you can.
Because of I tried to explain the reasons to your abnormally small brain, I wonder if you will even understand.